Living with PMDD

PMDD and Denial

2011-11-16T05:08:00.000-08:00

So what did I do two weeks ago when I was hit with my latest double header? (And yes, that means I am in the throes of another one now -- right on schedule.) I worked, I wrote, and I slept. (Three hour naps are not unusual when my hormonal system gets so far out of whack.) I just pared my life down to the bare bones, ate take-out from the Whole Foods Co-op or heated up all-natural frozen entrees, focused on my work (I work at home, due in part to my PMDD), and wrote my heart out. Took a walk when I needed a boost in my serotonin level. Took time out for me.

But I didn’t do any of that until I finally admitted that I was having a problem. And so, it got me to thinking. Why was it that I waited so long to admit my PMDD was acting up again? Why was I so deep in denial? Because I had work to do, a schedule to maintain, a life to live. I didn’t have time to give in to some strange, intangible brain disorder that keeps me from getting the things done I wanted to get done. I wanted to be normal.

PMDD women want to be normal more than anything else in the world. We don’t want to admit there’s something going on in our brains that just isn’t quite right. Something that even the medical professionals can’t agree on, much less define. We can find a thousand excuses for why we are so clumsy at times, or so ravenous, or irritable, edgy, disoriented, anxious, or weepy. We deny and deny and deny there is anything wrong with us, or that we are in any way acting strangely, because to admit that we are doing so means we will have to stop and deal with it somehow, and how can you deal with something that defies description?

Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves it’s just easier to ignore the symptoms we can’t explain and plow onward. Because that’s what women do. We just keep going until we can’t go any more. PMDD women are especially strong and stubborn in this regard. We go and go and go until we collapse. Or until our behavior becomes so erratic that someone in our life can’t stand it anymore and says, “What’s wrong with you?”

Even then we deny it. There’s nothing wrong with me. If you’d just pick up your clothes, fix the faucet, turn down the TV, do your homework, call me, stop calling me, show up on time, take the trash out, talk to your parent/child/boss/sibling, move your car, paint the bedroom, fill out the report, do what I ask, everything would be fine. The problem is you, not me. You’re what’s wrong with me.

And off we head into another relationship disaster, be it with our children, parents, co-workers, siblings or partners.

The bottom line is there is something wrong with us. But it’s not something we have any control over, any more than we have control over our allergies, genetic predisposition to any number of diseases, eye color, or shoe size. And it’s not something we can explain, unless we’ve done a whole boatload of research—only to find out it’s different for every woman, because we each live in different circumstances and environments and the biological rhythms of our bodies are unique to each of us. No two women are alike. Some have some symptoms, others have others. They come at different times of the month. Before periods, after periods, some even before and/or after ovulation.

What we do have control over is how we respond to our PMDD. And denial is just not an option. Not if you don’t want to leave a landscape littered with big mistakes, bad decisions, and tattered and broken relationships behind you everywhere you go.

To get a handle on your PMDD, you need to get a handle on yourself. You need to find a way to spend time on you, spend some time with yourself, getting to know your body and your unique hormonal rhythms. You need peace and quiet to do this. You can’t do this in the middle of your latest financial, household, work, school, or family crisis. You also need to like yourself to do this. You need to believe you are worth the time and effort.

Sometimes I feel like I live a totally self-indulgent life. I do what I want to do, go where I want to go, see who I want to see, and generally manage my life so that it encounters the least amount of stress and conflict. No drama queen here. I don’t have time for drama. It only sets off my PMDD, and God knows I don’t want any more experiences with that if I can help it.

So I take care of myself. I eat right, I exercise, I manage my stress. And even then I still get hit with the occasional strong episode of PMDD. But just imagine if I didn’t do all of that. How out of control my life would be. How joyless, how miserable, how sad and self-destructive.

Ignoring your PMDD is like ignoring a train bearing down on you. A wreck is inevitable. Studies have shown that if you leave your PMDD untreated, it will only grow worse over time, and you have a very good chance of ending up with a major depressive disorder. Is this what you want for your life? I know it’s not what I want. I also know that ignoring my PMDD, denying it, doesn’t make me more normal at all. It only makes things worse.

Fortunately, I am surrounded by friends and family who are supportive. I have worked hard to reach that place in my life, and have had to weed out those who were not understanding or supportive of my efforts to acknowledge, understand, and manage my PMDD. I say manage, because there is no cure, despite what many on the internet will tell you.

There are many things you can do to lessen the severity of your symptoms, and most of them are mentioned somewhere in this blog. Most of them are also free, or relatively inexpensive. Which is why you don’t hear a lot about them. The only ones you hear about are the ones people are making money off of. And while some of these methods may work in part, they don’t address the overall problem. Only you can do that, though a careful assessment of your life, priorities, relationships, nutritional needs, and fitness activities. No magic pill is going to do that for you, no matter how hard you might try to convince yourself that it will. PMDD is not a one-size-fits-all disorder. We’ve got to stop treating it like it is. Putting PMDD women on anti-depressants to suppress (not solve) their hormonal imbalances, is like asking every woman to wear a tent dress. It might cover the body, but it’s not a good fit.

That aside, however, the first step is to stop denying we have a problem. Forty years later, I’m still guilty of doing it, even with all that I have learned about the disorder. Is it any wonder those who haven’t done the research I have are equally caught up in denial? And what about those who don’t even know PMDD exists? All they do is run around thinking they’re crazy, but denying it to themselves and everyone else.

You can’t possibly think that to wake up one morning feeling fine, then slowly start to lose your fine motor skills, become agitated and confused, weepy, exhausted, irritable, and ravenous before dinner time is normal. The ability to wash away all of that with 45 minutes of aerobic exercise is also not normal. The fact that doing so buys you a couple of hours of PMDD-free time is not normal. The inevitable sink in mood and energy level when it wears off is also not normal.

But it is what it is, and it’s all we’ve got to work with. PMDD doesn’t do normal. Accept that and just do what you can to get through it. Surround yourself with people who will support you in your efforts toward good health and wellness. Weed out the people and situations in your life that don’t. Take time for yourself, be good to yourself, and most of all, when the episodes come…don’t deny them. Just find your own way to relax and go with the flow—no pun intended J.

The Queen of Denial

2011-11-04T04:48:00.000-07:00

She’s baaaack! And I’m not talking about me, writing this blog post. I’m talking about The Alien, or my PMDD self. After several months of relatively mild episodes, suddenly I’m hit with a humdinger. You know from my previous post, A Perfect Storm of PMDD, that I am one of the unfortunate many who have atypical PMDD, in that it occurs both before and after I menstruate. Kind of like a hurricane, with menstruation in the middle, serving as the eye of the storm, where I might feel lousy physically, but I’m clear-headed and things are relatively calm.

So, about ten days ago, I could feel a storm blowing in. I notice I’m starting to get agitated about things that don’t usually faze me. I realize I am emotionally looking for a fight, anywhere I can find it. I check the calendar, confirm it’s about that time of the month, and warn those closest to me that it may be a rocky few days. I back away from conversations and situations I know will set me off, and postpone any important decisions or discussions for a few days.

The storm came and went, no major incidents, other than a couple of afternoon naps due to extreme sleepiness. Menstruation started, and life was good again, aside from the physical discomforts of having a period. Usually, the second half of my PMDD begins on Day 3 of my period. So when Day 3 came and went with no trouble, I thought I was in the clear, home free, another PMDD episode averted. Kudos to me once again for not letting my PMDD get the better of me and wreaking all sorts of havoc in my life and personal relationships.

But this was not my usual period. This one lasted six days instead of three. Not a problem. I’m okay. Life is still good.

But then yesterday morning, I started noticing things. Like I tried to address an envelope, and my handwriting was all jumpy and spiky. My hand couldn’t control the pen the way it usually does. My typing was off, too. Kept hitting the wrong keys.

No matter. I’m just in a hurry.

Then I went to a funeral, at a church I had never been to before. I got lost. Suddenly I’m feeling anxious, confused, and my thoughts are scattered.

No biggie, it can happen to anyone.

At the funeral, all I wanted to do was weep.

Not a problem. People are supposed to be sad at funerals.

I came home, fixed myself something to eat. I work at home (in part due to my PMDD), so I started to work in my sun-drenched living room.

Suddenly I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.

Nothing unusual there, I told myself. The room was warm and I had just eaten.

Never mind that the room is equally warm and sunny most days, and I eat lunch every day about the same time and don’t get sleepy.

Finally I give in and take a nap, unable to concentrate or stay awake. It still hasn’t dawned on me, what is happening.

I wake up, totally ravenous, and wanting nothing but CHOCOLATE.

Still haven’t caught on. Or if I have, I’m in denial. I don’t have time for this nonsense. I have work to do.

A friend calls. We’re supposed to meet later on, go to Qigong class together. I want to know how soon “later on” is. Is it 4:30, 5:30, 6:30? If it’s sooner rather than later, I’ll wait to eat with my friend. If it’s later, I’ll eat now. No big deal either way, I just want to know, so I can plan my evening accordingly.

Somehow that simple conversation goes totally awry, and I end up in tears.

Bingo. The Alien has struck again. Now I know what’s going on. My PMDD has returned for round two. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, all I want to do is cry, and go back to sleep. But I’m too agitated and upset to go back to sleep, and I’m so effing hungry I want to scream. But I just ate a full meal a couple of hours ago. There’s no logical reason to be so hungry.

My friend calls back to see if I’m all right. How do I explain that everything is fine…but it’s not? How do I explain PMDD? This isn’t the type of conversation you want to have over the phone. It’s best that the other person can see the glassiness in your eyes, the exhaustion on your face, the lack of energy and slump of your body.

I fix something to eat (healthy carbs!) and work on a small project that only needs minimal concentration for an hour or so.

My friend arrives, and I try to explain what happened. He asks, “What can I do to help?”

The only answer I can come up with is, “Just be nice to me. I’m fragile today. Oh, and you might need to run interference for me at class. I’m not feeling very social right now.”

We go to class, and all goes well. I manage to muddle through the social aspects of class. The Qigong exercises get the blood circulating, produce the necessary boost in endorphins and serotonin. By the end of class, which was the absolute last thing I wanted to go to—I’d much rather have crawled back into bed and tried to sleep away my exhaustion—I was feeling 100% again, and had bought myself a couple of PMDD-free hours.

Because in my PMDD-induced confusion and misery I had forgotten what I could do to help myself. Light aerobic exercise. When I’m in the throes of a PMDD episode, and the last thing I want to do is get up and move, that’s the very thing I need to do. A simple walk is all it takes. After about 30 minutes, I start to feel better. By 45, I’m back on an even keel. An hour of any kind of light cardio activity and all symptoms are gone…

For about two hours.

So by the time I got home, I was back to being myself again. A totally different person. I was able to make it through the rest of the evening without incident.

But as soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I felt that heavy wet blanket of depression closing in on me again. The iron band around my head, the irritated eyes, like I’ve been crying (but I haven’t), the mental fuzziness, the sense of exhaustion even before I get out of bed.

There’s no denying it this time. It’s going to be another PMDD day.

Taking Time Out to Catch Up on My PMDD Research

2011-05-25T05:46:00.000-07:00

It’s Wednesday, and time to put up another post. Things have been hit or miss the past few months, due to having so much non-PMDD stuff going on in my life, and not having enough time to write any well-researched posts. I’m grateful to Cat Stone for allowing me to share her awesome artwork and PMDD Crisis Guide, which has allowed me to keep something new and fresh on the blog at least every other week. She’s been a lifesaver in that regard.

Yesterday, when I was thinking about what to write for today’s post, I realized I once again didn’t want to throw something out there just to have something to post. This is a blog devoted to helping people with PMDD and those who love them to better understand this often debilitating disorder. It’s not about me and my ups and downs, it’s about using what I’ve learned to help others to find peace and some sense of normality. So there’s no need for me to share whatever vague thoughts are rumbling around in my mind just to fill up an empty space.

That said, I haven’t been completely idle regarding the blog. To follow up on my last post, I’ve been busy doing more research into the connection between PMDD and the cycle of menstruation—have uncovered some fascinating stuff--and once I have my thoughts and facts in order, I’ll post them here. On a more personal front, I’ve been seeing a nutritionist in my ongoing efforts to manage my PMDD. That is not going well, and when I write up the account of my experience, I’m sure a lot of you will nod your heads in understanding, as I’m sure many, if not most of you have experienced the same frustrations. But again, I need to wait until my research is complete to write about it.

So for this week, I invite you to browse through past posts—a good place to start would be the over on the sidebar, under Popular Posts. (I’ve moved it to the top of the page for now to make it easier to find.) You’ll notice three of the top ten are posts for men on how to deal with a partner who has PMDD. Lots of good information there, and well worth reading (or passing on to a caring partner) if your relationship is in any kind of trouble.

Another good post is More Things That Make Your PMDD worse. A Perfect Storm of PMDD describes in detail what it’s like to have an episode of PMDD. And if you haven’t read it already, my favorite post is They Only See Our Failures.

Until next time…please continue to read, learn, rest, relax…and Be Well.

The Connection Between Menstruation and PMDD

2011-05-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

There’s one school of thought regarding PMDD that claims PMDD is not biological in nature at all, but rather a set of fanciful and imaginary symptoms devised by women as a means of expressing our discontent with our lot in life. Mad at your husband? Claim PMDD. Mad that you don’t get paid as much as a man when you’re doing the same work? Claim PMDD. Mad that the evils of the world have been attributed to women by organized religion? Claim PMDD. Feel like it’s unfair that you have to stay home with the kids while your partner gets to go out into the world and make his mark during power lunches, golf games, and beers with the guys? Claim PMDD.

In short, we’re not happy with our designated role in society, and so we have come up with a way to protest this arrangement by behaving badly and (hopefully) getting away with it. Science and medicine have nothing to do with it. There are no biological reasons for behaving the way we do. We’re simply a bunch of disgruntled women who have decided we don’t like the status quo.

So the best way to combat this insurgency is to deem us mentally ill, and classify our behavior as insane. Socially insane, if not legally so. The next step is to get us to buy into the stereotype. To get us to believe we are as crazy as they say we are. I’ve just been over at Facebook on the PMDD pages. The posts are full of women calling themselves crazy bitches and other references to insanity.

You are not insane. Your PMDD is real. It’s a biological condition, caused by a temporary fluctuation in your female hormones that *somehow* creates an imbalance in the chemicals in your brain, which in turn causes a disconnect in your thinking processes. It’s this mysterious *somehow* that nobody in the medical field seems to be able to pinpoint, any more than we know the underlying cause of cancer, or diabetes, or any number of disorders and conditions. Just as with those diseases, we’ve been able to identify many contributing factors, but not the actual cause(s).

Having just this week taken another quick dip into that realm of being disconnected, the memory is fresh in my mind. For the past three days, the weather here has been phenomenal. Perfect. Warm, sunny, splashes of vibrant color breaking out everywhere. It’s spring here, and rebirth and renewal are in the air. How can we help but feel blessed by the natural beauty that surrounds us? The generation of new life, the knowledge that whatever may be happening in our own, small, individual lives, overall, Life goes on, and it is inherently good.

As I sit or walk outside and experience nature blossoming all around me, hear the birds chirping, feel the sun and breeze on my face, see and smell the trees and flowers coming into bloom, I can intellectually understand the wonder and beauty of it all, can mentally acknowledge that Life is indeed beautiful—and it is--but am I feeling the Love?

Not. Why not? Because my brain chemistry has been temporarily altered, due to the fluctuations in my menstrual cycle, and there is a clear and distinct disconnect between my thoughts and my emotions.

Yesterday I wanted to weep. The day before that, I wanted to rage. The day before that, I was too tired to appreciate anything but the chance to take a nap.

This has nothing to do with my designated role in society. This has to do with my brain chemistry, period. I am not wanting to weep over the fact that women don’t get paid as much as men who do the same work. I am not raging at the idea that women have been blamed for all the evils in the world due to the doctrines of organized religion. I am not exhausted from having to take care of the dishes and the laundry and the myriad tasks that comprise taking care of a household and family. In fact, I do these tasks with love, as they bring me great satisfaction, knowing my home and family are lovingly cared for.

While I’m not happy with the societal conditions described above—I’d certainly like to get paid as much as a man in the workforce, and I’m not at all thrilled with the idea that women have been relegated to the status of a less than second class citizen by my faith, or that society in general sees women as either sexual objects or useless, with no in-between--those conditions are ever present every single day of my life. Those are my reality.

Why then, am I not furious, weepy, and/or exhausted every day if I’m so discontented with my lot in life?

You see? The theory that PMDD is just an excuse for women to express their unhappiness with the way things are just doesn’t make sense.

There are some theories that during a woman’s pre-menstrual time the so-called *veil* is lifted and we can see our overall connection to Life more clearly. For a few brief, shining moments, somewhere in the middle of our busy, overscheduled days, or maybe even the middle of our restless nights, we might suddenly see our relationships as they truly are, or discover an important revelation about our finances, our work situations, our living conditions--maybe entertain a thought or two that causes us to consider or reconsider any doubts we might have about our choices or our beliefs…

But it doesn’t cause us to go bat shit insane.

Think about this. It can’t be just your period coming that makes you go over the edge. Periods are a natural, normal part of the cycle of life, of fertility, of renewal.

To send you over the edge, something else has to be going on. Maybe even a lot of something else’s. Maybe even someone standing there, giving you a push.

Hey, it happens. More often than we’d like to admit. But that’s a topic for another day.

Today, we want to try to sort out what your part in all of this is.

So traditionally, the second half of the menstrual cycle is a time of personal insight, intuition, and clarity. This is normal. This is natural. This is the way God intended it to be. There was a time when a woman’s menstrual cycle was revered, respected, and yes, celebrated. A time of rest, reflection, and the potential for great wisdom.

Unfortunately, for us and for society in general, now it’s become nothing more than a curse, an inconvenience, a way for society to deem us as somehow unclean and flawed. Something to be ridiculed, suppressed, and avoided as much as possible.

Why is this, and how did it come to be?

That, too, is a topic for another day, but something we need to be thinking about in the meantime. So please, take some time out this week to think about your period. What it means to you. How it was explained to you, how you think about it, feel about it, handle it, and discuss it—if you even do. Or do you ignore it, pretend it simply isn’t happening?

How can we ignore something so fundamentally crucial to the well being of our bodies? How can we hate it?

PMDD women hate it because our menstrual cycle is what sets off this monthly--sometimes bi-weekly if we’re especially sensitive—chemical imbalance in our brains. The chemical imbalance that causes us to say things we don’t mean, do things we don’t want to (and would never do otherwise), make bad choices and decisions, hurt the people we love the most, and want to hurt ourselves.

But what if we came to understand it better? Came to understand that it’s not really the menstrual cycle—I mean, at least 90% of women who menstruate don’t have PMDD—but rather something unique that happens to PMDD women, in concert with our menstrual cycles.

In other words, don’t kill the messenger.

Just like women have been unfairly blamed for most of what’s wrong in the world by various sources, aren’t we unfairly blaming something normal and natural and an essential part of Life for something that really happens in our brains?

After all, isn’t when your period starts when the PMDD symptoms stop?

So let’s try flipping this idea around and see what happens. Can you just, just for a month or two, try seeing your period coming as something good and positive? Can you start to learn the natural rhythms of your body, and come to realize that your PMDD is just one aspect of a really complicated biological condition? A condition caused by something somewhere out of balance?

Can you start to look for the things in your life that might be out of balance, and allow the natural and normal process of wisdom and clarity to come through as you wait for your period to come? Can you make note of the thoughts that arise, and not act on them in your PMDD state, but set them aside until the PMDD passes and you can deal with your thoughts rationally?

In short, can you learn to be your own best friend? Can you stop beating yourself up for things you can’t control? Can you stop buying into the societal conditioning that women are too emotional and irrational to start with, and you’re just a crazy bitch in the extreme?

Because I think that once you do…once you take a few minutes out to stop and THINK about what you are allowing yourself to believe, about yourself and others, and once you try to view your menstrual cycle in just a slightly different manner, as I’ve suggested here, you might come a little closer to understanding this mysterious chemical imbalance that wreaks so much havoc in your life.

And once you do that, you’ll be able to start sorting out what is your PMDD, and what is not.

And as you begin to start untangling all the different threads that make up your Life, you’ll start to feel better.

Count on it.

PMDD Crisis Guide - The Mental Realm of PMDD

2011-04-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

This week we continue with Cat Stone's PMDD Crisis Guide...welcome back, Cat!

You can find the Introduction to Cat's Crisis Guide here.. and her post on the Physical Realm here.

The Mental Realm

This realm is where you will find your thoughts, and inevitably, the things you say. Over time this realm is programmed with reactions and responses to things that you are told, or things that happen around you. This realm for a PMDD sufferer is usually very chaotic.

During the hormonal changes in a woman's cycle, her body will undergo changes and present physical problems. These are a little easier to deal with than the changes that go on in the mind during this time.

This is probably best represented by the term, 'mood swings' although that would suggest the problem is just an emotional one. It isn't. The chemical changes in the body actually create false moods, which often bring about 'false thinking'.

A PMDD sufferer will experience random thoughts, seemingly crazy thoughts during their 'bad' time of the month. Thinking outwardly becomes impossible. Seeing the bigger picture seems impossible. All thoughts become inward and bad memories surface. Reactions to what people say, can trigger a negative spiral of thinking that can be overwhelming.

For me, it's like a constant battle in my head. I KNOW how I would normally react, what I would normally think, but during that time, things are not normal. I begin thinking I'm the worst person in the world, that my kids would be better off without me. I think about my past and all the painful things that have happened. I think people should leave me alone, not bother with me.. I lose all my self esteem and belief. All the things that normally get me through no longer work... The clothes I wore last week don't look right, even though it's the exact same outfit. I look in the mirror and see something completely different. This change in perception is quite common in all women who suffer from PMS, but when it means you don't leave the house because you have tried on 10 outfits, are full of tears, anxious, stressed out and frustrated, you know you are suffering from something worse.

My thoughts spiral out of control during my PMDD time, but I am learning to control them. Realising that your thoughts are not really your truth, takes time to happen. I often say... 'In my good head, I know this is true... but right now, I think that blah negative blah' I can recognise what I would think if I were in a good week, and what I am actually thinking. Dealing with the emotions that these bad thoughts bring up is harder than trying to control the thoughts, but keeping your thoughts in check goes a long way to steering a breakdown off course.
After talking to many women who have PMDD, it is obvious that they all feel like 'Jekyll and Hyde'. In fact, you will find that term used quite often when describing PMDD.

A woman with PMDD will find herself thinking about abandoning her kids, and how she'd do it, and how she'd get away. Or leaving family, friends or job. She may think the answer is suicide and spend many hours debating suicide, going through plans or writing her note to leave behind. She may think about drinking till she sleeps, or hurting herself. Her thoughts will turn to guilt, and she'll sit and think about all the damage she has done to her family or friendships, how lonely she is, how no one will ever understand. I know this to be true because I have done all these things, on repeat... for years. These thoughts are what drive people to harm themselves, along with the negative emotions, and it's why it is important to try and get these thoughts under control.

What also changes at this time of the month is the way you speak. This is governed by your feelings, and the things that are going on in your head. A chilled-out, mild-mannered woman will turn into a screaming, shouting, crazy, scary beast. You think I'm joking? This is one area the most damage can be done to your family and friends. The things you say. I would bet that every woman with PMDD has had an episode, and when the storm has died down, has had to think about what she has said to the people she loves. Nasty, spiteful, bitchy, outrageous things. Stuff you would never let leave your mouth. Goddess forbid you argue or fight with a PMDD woman having a bad episode.... Sanity has left the room. Like a caged animal, you want to fight. You are feeling so tired, so low, frustrated, wired, scared, you want to die, you don't care what happens. In your head, your mind is telling you you are terrible, shameful, worthless, then it tells you you will never get away from this nightmare, you will have to do this till the day you die. You worry about every aspect of your life. Will my partner stay with me? What if I hurt my kids? How can I keep doing this? I'm tired... oh so tired... I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.... What will happen if I just walk out the front door now. Mind is on OVERDRIVE.

There is a great lyric, by one of my favourite 'bands'.

How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood, And then just be.. in.. a good mood?
Dan le Sac vs Scroobious Pip - Waiting for the beat to kick in.

Ha.. yes, it's a man talking, and he has never experienced PMDD, but sometimes, you do HAVE to just decide to have a better day! FOCUS on having a better day. Focus on other things other than the thoughts.

Writing or creative outlets can help focus the mind on other things. Baking a cake, going for a walk, going to the library. Having a job can be a great focus... Distraction, distraction, distraction.
If you cant work, volunteer.. or use your time more wisely. It is too easy to let yourself dwell on the past, and mistake hormonal thoughts for the truth. It's easy to let yourself spiral. It's much harder to find the strength to change your thoughts. (Italics added by Liana.)

Some days, it is too hard to get out of the spiral. Some days, you just CAN'T. So what do you do?
Allow the thoughts to come, acknowledge them, then let them go. It's holding on almost compulsively to negative thoughts that feeds the downward spiral. You can even start talking to yourself (assuming you don't already!) and by that I mean...

'Oh hello, negative thought... what was that? I am crap mother?'

'Yes.. you are the worst mother ever, look at you, you hardly take the kids out anywhere, and most the time you are so caught up in your selfish head, You are so selfish. You slept the whole day away and someone else looked after your kids... '

Now this can go two ways.... You can either agree, or totally kick its ass.

'So, you think I'm a bad Mum? Who else cooks for the kids and washes their clothes? Who else finds things to do on a shoe-string? Who else creates a tea party in the garden, with 5 mins notice?

I have seen my kids through everything, to the best of my ability... I love them, I put 100% in when I can, and when I can't, I may sleep, or be a bit distant, but isn't that better than screaming and shouting at them. I am not a bad Mum, and will not accept that. Next?

'You dont have a life.. you sit on your fat arse all day, and never go out. What career have you got? People think you are a sponger, you drain everyone. Your friends never ask you out, cos you never go. You might as well be dead.'

(Are you going to take that?)

'Of course I have a life! I'm here, aren't I? I have this and that, and am planning on doing lots of things in the future. Just because things have been difficult, doesn't mean I will always be like this. I do have friends! And the ones that don't bother with me, aren't worth worrying about. I'm happier with a few close friends, doesn't mean I'm not liked. I give what I can to others, when I can, so, NO, I don't accept that, today I'm feeling vulnerable and a bit depressed, but thats today. Not tomorrow.. or forever...'

Don't commit the future by how you are thinking or feeling on a bad day. (Again, Liana chiming in!)

If you can learn to remain calm, and blow up every negative with a missile of positive you will soon feel stronger and more in control.

We often feel we need outside help, but there is much that can be done by you, by just changing your thoughts.

If you feel you would like more professional help with your thoughts, I would recommend looking into CBT – Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, which helps you to define your thinking patterns so you can begin to change them, and NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming, which helps you learn about your own ways of communicating and has an excellent way of re-shaping the way you perceive yourself, others and your thoughts and words..

We only use about 20% of our brains, and unfortunately, with PMDD sufferers, we have created such strong neural pathways, that we really do end up in one cycle of thinking. The connections our brain first started making years ago, that created the chemical imbalance, have become stronger and stronger. The more you sit back and allow it to happen, the more the brain feeds off the same thinking patterns. By attempting to break the cycle of negative thinking, you can start re-training your thoughts to support you, be your friend, rather than be your enemy.

Be careful of your thoughts, for your thought become your words.
Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.
Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.
Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.
Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.
~Author unknown

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." ~Albert Einstein

Taken By Surprise...

2011-04-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

This has been an odd month for me. After a couple of years of only experiencing PMDD symptoms every few months--due to the onset of menopause--for the past two cycles I’ve been back to my regular clockwork schedule of symptoms and a refresher course of how miserable PMDD can be.

But now, I also know how to manage and minimize it. I now know I am not my PMDD, and my PMDD is not me. After nearly forty years of cycling through it, being buffeted by first regular, then random storms of PMDD, I have finally learned to separate myself from my PMDD.

To do that, however, takes a great deal of self-attention and self-awareness. You have to listen to everything your body tells you. The body never lies.

But a PMDD body does lie. Imagine that. Your own body lies to you.

No wonder you feel like you’re going crazy sometimes.

I am a very much a positive thinker. Calm, creative, goal-oriented, and optimistic. Generally I sail through my days without a problem. I don’t sweat the small stuff, and half the time don’t even sweat the big stuff. Life has a way of working out for me, and for that, I am grateful. The more it happens, the more I learn to trust—to trust in myself and my higher power—that all choices made from that quiet place within me can be trusted and will lead me to good and positive outcomes.

So imagine my surprise last week, when a day I had willingly chosen to give over to helping a loved one get the medical help he needed, for me turned into an endless loop of mental frustration. What is this? I kept asking myself. This day is no surprise, and I chose to spend it this way, and yet….

And yet I can’t seem to stop the thoughts of anger, resentment, and frustration from welling up inside of me.

I did not let them out. I knew well enough that the person I was spending the day with was not the problem. But Lord, how I wanted to. Just wanted to let loose with every negative thought on my mind. We even joked about it.

Did you catch that? I was able to joke about my feelings in the midst of a PMDD episode.

And I didn’t even know I was having one. I just knew something was “off.”

It wasn’t until the following afternoon that I began to suspect it was PMDD. Thursday morning I procrastinated until it was too late to leave for my Qigong class, which I absolutely love. There’s no reason for me to miss the class, as everyone there knows about my PMDD and accepts me as I am. They welcome my arrival no matter what my mood, which I often announce upon coming in the door.

“Brain’s not working right today,” I will say, and everyone will know I’m a little off my stride.

So I skipped class—all the while asking myself, “Why would you skip something that brings such good things into your life?”

Remember, PMDD doesn’t make sense. It just is.

That afternoon, I found myself unable to focus on what I needed to be doing. My handwriting was off, and I kept getting distracted by the latest shiny thing—a new email, a new link to explore, a phone call to answer, a note to write, a snack to make.

Speaking of snacks, suddenly, for the first time in weeks, I wanted chocolate.

Should have been another clue, but I wasn’t thinking PMDD yet.

Not until the next morning, Friday morning, when I literally did not want to wake up. I swear to you, it felt exactly like when I woke up to a carbon monoxide leak in my house last November. Debilitating, bone deep lack of motivation and fatigue. All I wanted to do was sleep.

The phone rang and I dragged myself out of bed. An hour and a half later, I’m still yawning, yawning, yawning. It took extreme effort to keep my eyes open. Coffee didn’t help. At all. I don’t normally drink coffee, so if I do have a cup, the effect is immediate.

Not today. Not a blip of relief. I felt like I had an iron band around my head, my tongue was made of cotton and was also thick and swollen (which is one of my PMDD symptoms—allergy aggravation), I couldn’t get enough water to drink, and I was ravenous both before breakfast and less than an hour after.

I finally realized I wasn’t truly hungry…I just wanted to eat. Believe it or not, there is a difference. My stomach was full. But my brain was sending distress messages. What those messages were, I have no clue, because there was nothing distressing that I know of going on in my life—you know, like the kind of situation that spurs emotional eating…

I just know the signals my brain was sending were manifesting as a nearly overwhelming desire to eat.

It was hard, but I didn’t succumb. My food charting (another experiment I hope to share the details of some day) told me I had already eaten as much as, if not a little more than, I had on any other day. So this was not true hunger. This was my PMDD talking, not me. I was not hungry. The chart clearly showed that on any other day, I wouldn’t have been the least bit hungry…and believe me, I am not one to deprive myself of basic nutrition, because I learned long ago that it will only make my PMDD worse.

So I compromised with my PMDD, and spent the day sipping my favorite chocolate drink, because suddenly all I wanted was chocolate.

I did, however, go to bed really early that evening, in deference to my fatigue. Added to that was now a strange aching in my legs, all the way down into my arches.

What had happened? Had I pulled/strained a muscle somewhere? Somehow? How could I, when I’d skipped class on Thursday? It didn’t make sense.

I woke up 12 hours later, still sleepy. Still ravenous. Still wanting chocolate. Still aching.

Okay…by now I am beginning to realize what is happening here. It must be my PMDD. By noon it was confirmed. I started spotting.

Suddenly everything that happened the previous three days made complete sense. The strange and unreasonable irritability on Wednesday, the clumsiness, disorientation, and inability to stay focused on Thursday, the lack of motivation, intense lethargy, fatigue, and ravenous appetite on Friday. The chocolate craving, the sensation of an iron band tightening around my head, the urge to weep, the dull ache in my legs.

I continued to eat normally, despite the ravenous hunger, sip my favorite chocolate drink, and headed off to the gym to walk around the track, even knowing it was the last thing I wanted to do. But exercise had helped before, and I wanted to experiment, wanted to see if there was actually something I could DO to make it better.

The first twenty minutes I felt like I wanted to vomit. No lie. Around the half hour mark, I started to feel a little better. By the 45 minute mark I was heading back toward an even keel. Came home, made a healthy, carb-laden supper, then went to church.

Things weren’t completely right, however, until I went out for a salty bowl of chicken noodle soup afterward.

Go figure. But for some reason, after the soup, I came home full of more energy than I’d had in three days. I was psyched, ready to take on the world.

Instead I rested and read and had a cup of tea. The storm wasn’t over yet; that was just the eye of it. Been here, done this enough times to know this thing comes in waves.

Sunday morning I was dozing again when the phone rang and woke me up. I didn’t have nearly as tough a time waking up as I had on Friday morning. Huge difference between then and now.

Why? The menstrual blood was flowing.

And because of that, I made it to my next Qigong class and the grocery store and was able to focus on a couple of creative projects I needed to complete.

The first wave of the storm had hit, and I weathered it. Mostly by repeating this is not me, this is my PMDD. I am not angry, resentful, mad—that’s my PMDD talking. I am not hungry, that’s my PMDD talking. I have no reason to cry—that’s my PMDD talking.

Unfortunately, there was not much I could do about the fatigue. But getting out for a walk definitely helped with that.

The good news is (except for one cup of coffee) I managed to avoid the quick-fix stimulants that so many of us use to get past our fatigue, stimulants that only make our PMDD hit back even harder. Tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, sugar, energy drinks.

You, too, can weather the storm, whether yours comes in waves, or all at once. It just takes an enormous amount of effort to do so. Not everyone has the time or energy or circumstances to be able to do it. I understand that. I accept that. You need to accept that too, and simply start wherever you are right now.

Start with what you have, start with whatever symptoms present themselves. Try to sort them out like tangled threads. This part is me, this part is my PMDD. I am not my PMDD. I am better than my PMDD. I am stronger than my PMDD. I will not allow my PMDD to define me.

And I will not allow anyone else to define me by it, either.

Because they have never slogged through the storm in my shoes.

Until you know how it feels to have a brain and body that sends basic biological signals contrary to all conventional wisdom and common sense, you will never understand.

To those who do, you deserve to be congratulated and applauded--not dismissed, discounted, and ridiculed.

We are the strong ones, we are the survivors, and we are not our PMDD.

PMDD - They Only See Our Failures

2011-03-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

I’m one of the fortunate few. Through years of carefully cultivated self-awareness, I’ve finally learned how to separate myself from my PMDD. I know that I am not my PMDD. But millions more women are out there, valiantly struggling to get though each day, secretly convinced they are going mad, and simply hoping, even praying, that one day they will wake up and the nightmare that lives inside their minds will be over.

On the outside these women may seem to be coping—some of them even coping brilliantly by all external accounts--but on the inside they are terrified by--and of--this mystifying cycle of emotional imbalance that hardly anyone understands.

They’re also afraid to tell anyone, for fear that those people, too, will think they are crazy.

Or worse, they’ve tried to tell others—friends, family, medical professionals--and have been discounted, dismissed, or simply not believed. Or perhaps the symptoms of PMDD have crashed over their internal walls and manifested themselves, and those they spend the most time with and/or are closest to have already deemed them as somehow defective. She’s a moody one all right, sweetness and light one minute, a raving bitch the next. What gives? What’s wrong with her? How can anyone be so freaking out of control?

Everyone wants to be normal, and PMDD women are no exception. But PMDD doesn’t do normal. PMDD is a biological imbalance in your brain that manifests itself both physically and emotionally. It’s the emotional part people can’t deal with. Women the world over are no stranger to physical discomfort. We can be feeling like something the dog dragged in three days ago and still meet our commitments, care for our families, run households and offices and companies and governments, head up foundations, give speeches, present or accept awards, create beautiful works of art, love our partners, and still get dinner on the table in time.

Women are awesome. We are born with the gifts of joy, laughter, insight, intuition, sensitivity, kindness, compassion, creativity, cooperation, and multi-tasking (our biggest downfall, as we routinely take on too much.) We have more endurance than men. We have more tolerance for pain, be it physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional. We are passionate in our beliefs, and loyal to those we love—even when that loyalty is far from returned.

If a woman had a broken leg, and was temporarily hobbling around on crutches, most people would understand if she was a little tired or edgy or weepy during the course of her day. Most people would offer to help, open doors, fetch and carry things for her, run some errands, give her opportunities to rest and refresh herself. Most would give her some leeway to maneuver as she tries to navigate through her suddenly complicated day. At the very least, they would try to be tolerant if her frustration spilled over.

But when our brains are temporarily broken, as in the case of the PMDD phase of our menstrual cycles, there are no boldly visible cues, like a pair of crutches. Sure, the sparkle in our eyes may dim, our heads and hearts and joints may hurt, our handwriting may become stiff and awkward, our reflexes slow and clutzy, but only those intimately acquainted with us may be able to notice. We might not even notice these things ourselves, if we aren’t paying close attention to our bodies. Which most women don’t, we’re so used to putting our own needs aside and fulfilling the roles we play for others—mother, daughter, sister, partner, caretaker, breadwinner, coordinator, confidante.

So silently we slog through our PMDD days, knowing we feel fragile inside, but with no visible way to communicate that to the world—other than our emotions. All through our lives, we’ve been socialized to believe emotions are bad for everybody but actors and actresses. Real people need to suppress their emotions. Emotions get you in trouble. Emotions are counterproductive. Emotions are messy and scary. Don’t make a scene, don’t make a fuss, don’t get hysterical, and for God’s sake, don’t ever cry.

People can’t handle it when other people cry. Men especially can’t handle it when women cry.

Anger is the accepted emotional outlet for men, but there is no acceptable emotional outlet for women. Women are not supposed to get angry. If we get angry, there’s something wrong with us—we’re being countercultural. Little girls are sugar and spice and everything nice. Women who show anger are frowned upon, called all sorts of derogatory names, dismissed, discounted, deterred and destroyed, one way or another.

And so most women turn that anger inward, where it manifests as depression.

This is what happens to someone who passes for a *normal* woman, mind you. But remember, PMDD doesn’t do normal. PMDD lifts the veil on all those suppressed emotions, all those bitten lips and mounting frustrations life throws at us, turns off the biological mechanism that holds all that suppressed emotion back, and flips the switch to ON.

PMDD is your steam valve, honey, and like clockwork, once a month it lets loose.

If you’re especially unlucky, it happens twice a month, catching you on your ovulation cycle, as well.

And when that happens, we fail. We fail spectacularly. We rant, we rave, we cry and throw things. We break things, too. Dishes and doors, spirits and hearts and hopes and dreams. We say things we don’t mean, and hurt the people we love the most.

Why? Because they can’t see inside our heads to where the synapses are temporarily not working right, because they can’t see that we’re fragile inside on those days.

Because they can’t see we’re temporarily on crutches.

And for that, people call us crazy.

We’re not crazy. We’re pre-menstrual. More about what this means next week. In the meantime, remember, You Are Not Your PMDD. It might take up a huge chunk of your life, especially since you probably spend your non-PMDD days trying to make up to everyone for the way you *supposedly* let them down on your PMDD days--but really, who let who down?

Think about it. If you were on crutches, wouldn't the people in your life treat you with more care?

So you are not your PMDD, and your PMDD is not you. It’s something you have to deal with, like you would if you broke your leg, but it does not define you. No one who doesn’t have PMDD has a clue about how much energy and effort is expended in trying NOT to blow up, NOT to burst into tears, NOT to ruin the party, the family outing, the meeting, the conference, the trip…

The relationship.

All others see is our failures. But I read the Facebook posts, and I see how hard everyone tries, and my heart goes out to each and every one of you as you describe for the others how you feel it coming on, how you feel the tension building, how you are in the middle of the storm, how you hate all of it…

And how you ache inside as you do your best to deal with the heartbreaking aftermath.

I am here, and I understand. Because while I have a better handle than most on my PMDD, can even separate it out and still get my work done when my mind is acting up the most, I know all too well how much energy that takes, and how drained you can feel at the end of the day.

And even when I make it through 90% of the day without weeping or snapping or snarling at someone, even when I’ve spent the day protecting others from myself and my moods, moods I have as much control over as I would an allergic reaction, even when I’ve done everything I can to make sure I don’t ruin their day…

There’s always the chance the dam will break.

And that is all they see.

Do not let anyone define you by your failures. It’s not right, it’s not fair, and you wouldn’t do it to them.

Take care and God Bless.

How Mandalas Helped Me Cope With PMDD, by Cat Stone

2011-03-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

Today Cat Stone returns to guest blog about Mandalas and how they have helped her cope with PMDD. Since I have yet to master the art of inserting pictures into my blog, and trying will keep me here all day, I have posted them off to the side for you to enjoy. Thank you, Cat, for sharing your art with us.

I can't remember when I first became aware of mandalas.

As a teen I was always interested in the esoteric and other faiths and cultures, but it was probably around the age of 19, when I began following a pagan path, that I began to learn about the circle, the quarters, symbolism, colours... Along my path, I found a branch that fitted my specific beliefs. It was witchcraft. I worked in ritual with covens, I worked solitary, I studied, I practised, I meditated. I have suffered with PMDD since I was 13, and life has always been difficult. Being active in the Pagan scene gave me somewhere to belong, and something else to focus on.

Meditation became an big interest of mine, as my mind was always full of swirly thoughts and ideas, that and my body being filled with false feelings and tension. I found it very hard to meditate, just sitting still, and joined a meditation class. We tried lots of different ways to meditate, and the most success I had, was with a moving meditation, or mudra meditation.

During the pregnancy of my first child at 21, my PMDD became very bad, contrary to the idea that pregnancy brings relief to PMDD, for me, my changing hormones threw me into severe depression, agrophobia, anxiety and panic attacks. Mixed up with post natal depression, and my marriage breaking up when my daughter was 3 years old, I found myself homeless. I had left the Witches behind, choosing to follow my own path, one that wasn't full of fear and hierarchy. I studied The Tarot and developed even more interest into the symbols, colours and correspondences of the cards

It was then that I began to draw my own mandalas. About 11 years ago, I bought a Tibetan mandala print, and began to research them more. I had opened up a whole new world.

As an artist, I had studied art and art theory since school. I had qualifications in Art and Graphic Design. But with everything that had happened to me, and the PMDD worsening, I had been unable to create anything. My research into mandalas spurred off a frenzy of creation. At first, my mandalas weren't geometric, they were just drawings in a circle, but the fact I HAD created was the buzz.

(See the Orange Eye, Dance, and Stars Mandalas, off to the side)

It didn't take long before I started using a ruler and protractor and began dividing the circle. Division and geometric designs take you into the realms of sacred geometry, and designs that repeat themselves lend themselves to meditation very well, during the creation and the colouring in.

(See the Medley and Universe Mandalas)

At college, I did a project on repetition, and I began to look into mantras and chanting. Repeating something over and over, such as the word OM, brings about a calm to the mind. It stops the mind from stressing by letting it focus on the sound, and sound that promotes healing. I became aware that that was what I was doing with the mandalas. In hand drawing, you have to repeat the same pattern or shape over and over.. in the colouring, your have to think about each shape you colour in.

It is like a moving meditation. For about 2 years, I drew nothing but mandalas. I drew them when I needed to have a focus, when I needed to escape what was going on around and inside me. I ended up drawing them as wedding presents, birth mandalas, and gifts.

My love for them has never waned. I have recently come out of a long dark period of my life, caused mainly by trying different hormone medications, and my ability to draw had completely vanished again. Thankfully, after a long and very missed break, my inspiration has returned. I still find it hard to draw during the really bad times, but I'm already creating more than I have for the whole of last year!

The best way to start, is to print off a free mandala design from the net. I have recently started a Moon Mandala Group on Facebook, and download page on my website, where you can regularly download new and original mandalas, created by me, using the inspiration of the current moon signs. There will be info about the full and new moons, and mandalas to download. The Facebook group is there for you to upload your creation and share with the rest of the mandala loving world! I also upload other mandala designs to colour in between new and full moons.

Once you have your mandala, find a quiet place, alone, with your favourite music. If this is impossible, just sit in front of the TV, you'll soon tune out of that and into your page.

Buy yourself some nice colouring pencils. I use Prismacolor, but there are other really nice makes out there. They are gonna be adult pencils, so spend a little more than you normally would. The results will be worth it! If you prefer colour felt tips.. get a big set with all the colours of the rainbow! If you've got kids.. mark them 'Mummys' and keep them out of their reach!

Sit with your mandala, and choose a colour. Pick a part of the mandala to colour, and get going. It's that simple. Grown up colouring. The next colour will almost choose itself, and if you start getting fretful over how it's turning out, just walk away, go make a cuppa, and relax. Its a colouring sheet. There is NOTHING to stress over. Even if you completed it and hated the colours you used, you can throw it in the bin, tear it up... print off another one and start again, or leave it till another day.

There should never be any worries or stress over creating a mandala, it's just for fun. You cant just click your fingers and meditate, not without years of practice, so you will find there will be times it flows and times when it's just not a good time to be trying.

It's good to date your mandala and note any particular feelings or thoughts you may have. Put it up somewhere, and keep looking at it. This mandala, represents your ability to focus, choose, make decisions, your stamina and attention, and your ability to see something through to the end. When you suffer from PMDD it is easy to feel like you cant make any decisions, it is easy to feel scared of starting things, and rare to feel like we have achieved something and seen it through. The ups and downs leave us feeling tired, stressed out, unable to relax or sleep. Using mandalas to quieten the mind, focus thoughts and relax our bodies can in turn help with our general stress levels. You can turn to a mandala when you have that urge to do something but you don't know what, or when you're bored and feeling lonely.

Mandalas, can help women deal with the many facets of her life. Mother, wife, daughter, sister, lover, friend, bill payer, money earner... it is hard to juggle all this, especially hard when you suffer with PMDD. The calm and peace creating mandalas can bring will help you to discover who you are, what you really feel about things, or even develop more self confidence.

(See the Goddess Mandala)

I have found that many ladies with PMDD are also very creative and have various ways of occupying their minds, from knitting to baking, photography to poetry. I hope that other sufferers of PMDD will give it a try and see if it helps!

You can find all my mandalas at www.chaoticat.com and all my PMDD artwork and blog at www.meetmypmdd.blospot.com.

Cat Stone

Sharing Our Stories of PMDD

2011-03-09T06:59:00.000-08:00

Today we have a guest blogger, Joya, who has graciously agreed to share her story of PMDD. I invite others to contact me who would like to share your story of how you discovered you had PMDD, were diagnosed, and what treatments--both successful and unsuccessful--you have tried in an effort to cope with this debilitating disorder. This helps every woman with PMDD to understand that while you are not alone, every case is as individual you are.

Welcome, Joya, and thank you for sharing your story with us.

I was diagnosed about three years ago.

Before I was diagnosed I felt awful & sick. I also thought I was losing my mind. It took a while for me to realize the awful feelings and the craziness were associated with my monthly cycle. I began to dread my cycle, but always looked forward to getting my period because I felt such a relief. There were times when I literally thought I was going insane. And the awful physical symptoms were at times too much to bear. I am grateful for my diagnosis as I have been empowered to find ways to help myself.

I am very fortunate I have a wonderful Doctor who listens to me and I believe he actually cares about my well being.

I have tried the following:

The Pill

Anti-Depressants

Accupuncture

Herbal treatments

Supplements

And I am currently using the Mirena IUD

Side effects & benefits I have experienced:

The pill was not a good choice, I cannot handle the extra estrogen at all. I completely lose it. For whatever reason the pill intensifies my symptoms.

Anti-Depressants-at first seemed like a cure! Then I started to feel depressed all the time, and I became listless and lethargic. I gained 25 pounds and felt awful and the benefits seemed to have flown out the window. I am not a fan of anti-depressants. I am no longer using them for treatment of my PMDD.

Acupuncture helps-mainly it helps with relaxation. It is also not a cure-all, but can be very helpful in terms of relaxation. It can be expensive and it takes quite some time before it actually reduces any symptoms. I would like to return to acupuncture if for nothing else, but the calming effect it as.

Herbal supplements & supplements: for me they help, but do not have the strength to reduce my symptoms to a manageable level. I use supplements in conjunction with the IUD.

The IUD has been helpful, it has reduced my symptoms. However, after a little over a year of using the IUD I feel the effectiveness wearing off. It makes me want to cry. And I do not really have a period at all and I don't like this part of it. The idea of searching for another effective treatment feels a little frustrating at the moment.

I consider myself blessed. I have very loving and supportive friends and family. I have been honest about my PMDD-it does affect my ability to socialize and I can withdraw pretty easily. I hate when I am unkind, or I lash out at someone I love when I am PMDD-ing. It is awful and I feel horrible, and guilty. In some ways I try to keep to myself so that I do not do anything I will regret later. I live alone and work primarily alone, so I do control my interaction with people as much as possible. I have recently entered a romantic relationship-I have been upfront about my PMDD, and he is a very understanding person. However, I am terrified I will scare him away, and I know this is a large part of why I keep to myself. I try to keep myself and others safe, but I am starting to feel that it is not the solution.

I cannot think of a shape for PMDD, as it tends to have several forms for me. At times it may be rigid and square, uptight and bound, whereas other times-it is wide open and expansive...It encompasses many colors...red would be the primary color, as well as black and dark blue...perhaps with flashes of purples and greens.

The worst thing about PMDD for me is the darkness, the sadness, and the nasty voice inside me that gets so loud that I believe it. I believe every ugly lie the voice utters. I have made some serious life decisions while under the influence of the PMDD monster, only to wonder later-'what the hell was I thinking'. The other thing is I feel like I cannot trust myself and I do not want to be around anybody. It sucks, I am for the most part a friendly, upbeat and kind person. The PMDD twists things and I get twisted with them and then come out the other side-wondering what happened. I hate that I listen to the ugly angry distrustful voice, rather than my true core voice.

I have changed my diet, I eat mostly vegetarian. I focus on nutrition. Whole grains, veggies, I do have fats, like peanut butter and such. I love fruit too! I make 90% of my meals at home, this is very helpful. Honestly, diet and exercise have had a profound effect on my ability to cope. I make sure I get enough rest as I cannot function without adequate rest. I LOVE to exercise and I LOVE yoga and walking outdoors! However, when the monster (PMDD) is in house, I have to literally fight with myself to exercise, and do what is best for me. As there are times when I drink wine, or eat too much, and usually regret it.

I also remind myself what is happening and that it is not ME-it is PMDD and it is chemical and biological, but this is not always helpful. I take hot baths and drink tea, I use drops of white chestnut for anxiety. Basically, I try to take of myself and be loving towards myself. I do struggle and sometimes I cave to the cravings for fatty food, wine, or cigarettes. I realize that this is a work in progress, and from experience I KNOW that taking excellent care of myself is my best bet!

I work with a master metal smith-he is my dad. We design and create custom wedding rings. I work with 30 stores and retail clients from all across the globe! I am very fortunate to have the work I have. I work alone as most of my correspondence is via email. I love working with an artist and I love working with my clients. I am grateful for all of my clients. So I do not have a career I have a job, a wonderful job. I long for a career, but that is a long and painful subject for me. I have searched for 15, plus years to answer the 'what am I going to do with my life'? question only to still not know the answer. It causes me extreme grief. As I have taken endless classes and been in and out of school, etc...

For now, I am letting it go. I just recently withdrew from school, as the combination of work, school, PMDD and my learning disabilities proved to be too much for me. I am struggling with not feeling like an utter failure and feeling like I have liberated myself. I do not have children, I have a cat, whom has been with me for 15 years. I care for her deeply and she has been a most loving and loyal companion over the years.

I would like to have a career that I can pour my heart and soul into. I would like to love freely and create. I would like to be of service to the people, the Earth and the animals. It is unfortunate that every single month for two weeks I kinda fall apart and lose my grip. However, I refuse to give up and I hope that I can find a way to do what I long to and be even with PMDD.

I believe yoga and meditation are helpful. Yes, they help me to relax and change my focus and help me to slow down and breathe.

"Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none." Unknown.

"Everything we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." Edger Allen Poe

Cat Stone's PMDD Crisis Guide Continues

2011-03-02T05:13:00.000-08:00

Today is a follow up to last week's intro to Cat Stone's Crisis Guide to PMDD. Today Cat discusses several excellent ways to help yourself feel better when you are in crisis, courtesy of your PMDD. I hope everyone is able to take away at least one piece of advice that helps to ease the pain of your PMDD. Thank you, Cat, for sharing your thoughts with us.

You can find the intro to this guide either in last week's post, or at Cat's blog.

The Physical Realm of PMDD

This is an easy 'realm' to understand. It's the one we are most aware of. This is where PMDD is manifesting in most cases. There are many theories, from an imbalance or sensitivity to hormones, to a bug that lives in your system called H-Pylori. One thing that is common, is that it is hormonal, cyclical, and very hard to treat. Treatment is different for all women, and many have to try various medications and treatments before they find one that works.

Physical symptoms of PMDD are much like that of PMS. Bloating, painful breasts, cramps, heavy bleeding, back ache, digestive problems and insomnia, to name a few. Tiredness and lethargy is also a big problem, some days, it is hard to even get out of bed.

Weight problems can occur due to the imbalance in hormones, sporadic eating habits and lack of exercise. Acne is another troublesome physical symptom. I for one get new spots every time I ovulate or menstruate. These spots are hard, painful and more like boils. They take ages to clear up and often leave scars.

To start treating the physical symptoms (and in turn, improving your general well being) a plan of action should be devised. In it's most simple form, you should have a check-list that covers your body's basic needs. Maybe you can see it as a tool kit.

Exercise

We can actually take charge of this aspect quite easily. We can change what we eat and how much exercise we do. We have control over that. It is well known that exercise helps to relieve stress, keep the body healthy and can relieve cramps. It is easy to feel out of control when you suffer from PMDD, so by taking control over this aspect of your health, you can feel more in control of yourself in general. Sometimes, leaving the house before you blow is a good option. A brisk walk round the block will help you calm down, think, and work off some of that pent up energy. I'm sure most PMDD women go around like a coiled spring, just waiting to ping. This is energy waiting to come out. You could use it in a healthy way, or you can wait for the volcano to blow, inevitably hurting those around you with words or your own actions. Punching pillows helps... although in my house, (and I'm not proud of it) I am chief door slammer. It's the pent up energy that turns into rage. If you don't release this energy you will feel anger, you will feel rage, you will feel like fighting.

Try and incorporate some form of exercise into your daily routine. Getting outside really helps, maybe for a walk or bike ride. Join a Yoga class. This is the best way to learn to relax too, and become more sensitive to your body and what it's telling you. If nothing else, stick on your favourite album and dance and sing round the living room!

Stress

A special mention here goes to Stress. We underestimate how much stress can affect our body. Stress is not just in your head, stress affects every cell of your body. When we get stressed, our body reacts, putting a strain on our adrenal glands. In genuine situations, this reaction (known as fight or flight) can save our lives. When we are constantly stressing ourselves sick over our illness, weight, money, kids... we are abusing those reactions and leaving our bodies exhausted. Stress puts added pressure onto our hearts and can tie our stomach up in knots leading to erratic eating habits and IBS. You can overwork your adrenal glands, so they become so tired they don't function properly. This is when you health will really suffer and you will more than likely hit rock bottom. Your immune system will be lower, your 'feel good' hormones (serotonin), will be depleted and you will feel lethargic and depressed. Physical activity has been proven to help relieve stress, and should be a regular part of your tool kit.

Food and water.

The next simple tool to keeping our moods stable is eating, and drinking water. If I feel myself spiralling out of control, or I've just screamed at the kids for leaving a toy in the wrong place, I have to immediately check whether I have eaten that day. Our moods get worse if we don't eat. Obviously, try and make healthy choices, but it's better to eat than not, so if all you can manage is a piece of toast with jam, then do it. The aim is to try and keep yourself topped up with energy. Little and often is good, and will help keep your blood sugar levels stable.

Dehydration is another problem. If we aren't remembering to eat, we probably aren't drinking enough either. Tea and coffee and alcohol all dehydrates the body. Dehydration leads to mood swings, headaches and fatigue. This in turn can lead to more digestive issues such as constipation.

If we try and run on empty all day, we are setting ourselves up for a screaming rage at teatime, or a sobbing wreck at bedtime. We don't even expect our cars to go far with no fuel in the tank, but are quite happy to do it to our own bodies.

Sleep and rest.

Rest and relaxation should be the next tool in the tool kit. PMDD sufferers can have irregular sleeping patterns. Depending on what part of your cycle you are in, you may feel overwhelmed with tiredness and want to sleep all day, when at other times you cant sleep at all.

Getting plenty of sleep is essential to maintaining a stable mood. If you go to bed at 2am, and are then up for work or the school run at 7am you are going to be tired, whether you have PMDD or not, but add PMDD into that mix and you will have one very grumpy lady. You are more likely to snap, rant, cry, blow your top or worse, if you are tired. If you cant sleep, it is still important to rest your body. Try a long hot bath, meditation, or just lie down and watch a film or listen to music.

Maybe you like to read, or sew, or paint. Taking time for yourself and indulging in your favourite past time will help you relax. It is easy to deny yourself these little things, to write them off as unimportant, and say, 'how can I possibly deserve to sit here and enjoy myself when I'm such an awful person' or ' I cant take time out for myself, what about the washing up.. cooking tea... etc' If you like.. I'll give you permission! In fact, even better... I'll prescribe it!

Light.

Get out into natural light. The winter brings S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder. If you are already sensitive to hormones, stress etc, you may find the winter becomes a hard time of the year. Low levels of light takes it's toll on energy levels and you may find yourself more depressed in the winter. If it's really severe, on top of the PMDD, you may find it hard to get up, stay awake in the daytime, or your depression and anxiety can worsen. Light boxes work well, but if you can't afford one, just make sure you get out in any sunshine (when we get it), put lights on in the house, and be kind to yourself. It is easy to assume your PMDD is getting worse in the winter, but it's more likely to be the added darkness of S.A.D.

Writing.

OK, so why would this be on the list? Because it's a physical activity. It anchors thoughts down on paper. Thoughts are like air, they flit and change. Writing things down, gets things out of you head and into the physical world. Keeping a diary, writing lists or post it notes helps you to keep track of your mind. Sometimes, making a plan on paper, is the difference to a day saved, or a day lost. Making lists will help you organise. Crossing off stuff on the list will give you a feeling of achievement. EVEN IF that list is nothing more than..

brush teeth
take kids to school
wash up dishes
go for a walk
EAT
have a shower

You will find you get more done by having a reminder list.

It is good to write out your feelings. If you feel weird about other people reading them, then keep a diary for yourself. If you feel you can share with other sufferers, even if it's under a false name, you should think about setting up a blog. Writing get things out of our system. The physical activity of sitting and focussing, helps us to become calmer.

Self destruction

If you suffer with PMDD you will know all about self destruction. My ability to cope with symptoms fluctuates. When I hit a low, and get ill, I forget about all the things I 'should' do. I spiral out of control and turn inwards. I become self-hating, self-destructing and down right cruel and hard on myself. Sometimes, holding onto sanity becomes too much in itself, and I let go. I free fall, I become some caught up in myself, I cant think about others. I can get really depressed and suicidal. I don't eat. I survive. I pass every hour in the day, waiting for bed, so I can try and start a fresh the next day. If I really want to hurt myself, I'll drink. Alcohol is not my friend, but I'll drink, because I hate myself, everyone must hate me, I want to hurt myself, I don't want this life, everything is wrong, why am I like this? I hate you.. and you.. why did I have kids? I'm a rubbish mother, I don't deserve them... Sound familiar? It will if you have PMDD.

Physical self destruction is something you can control. If you know you will drink yourself silly, then stay away from the bottle. If you are suicidal, then stay away from dangers, risks.. like driving for instance.

Remember that not eating or drinking, not looking after yourself, not allowing yourself rest time can all lead to a worsening of PMDD symptoms. You are in control of that. You must look after yourself. Don't allow yourself to self destruct. There is always tomorrow, the feelings will pass, and you will need your body to be there for you.

If you are feeling suicidal and have no-one to talk to, there is always the Samaritans here in UK on 08457 909090 or in the US call 1-800-SUICIDE. Or if you are a member of my Facebook group, there will always be someone around to help you through the bad days..

A PMDD Crisis Guide, Guest Blogger Cat Stone

2011-02-23T07:23:00.000-08:00

I figured you might be getting tired of me going on and on about relationships and such, so fellow PMDD blogger Cat Stone has graciously agreed to step in and do some guest posts, starting today with her PMDD Crisis guide. Please help me welcome Cat to Living on A Prayer, Living with PMDD...

Recently, I have been feeling much better. This is a real turnaround after many years of feeling like a pendulum swinging back and forth. I feel I have more control. I am coping with my bad days more effectively and achieving more on my good days... AND it's winter!

Up until now, it has been hard to write without getting too emotionally involved, and that's no good if you are trying to help others in an emotional state. I finally feel that I can share some practical advice, and I really hope it helps other women cope with PMDD.

Firstly, here's a little about what I have learned and coped with over the years. I'm not a Doctor, but I am an Aromatherapist, and have researched many therapies and theories over the years. I have also had PMDD for 20 years... since I was 13. I have lived with this disorder all my adult life. I don't remember a time when I wasn't feeling crazy and out of control on a regular basis. I used to believe I was really mentally ill. I just wanted to be taken away and put in a padded cell.

When I look back at this, the desire to be taken away, away from my kids and life, stemmed from the overwhelming feeling of being unable to cope. A week or month in a psychiatric ward looked more like a holiday. A break from the pressure, the relentless cycle of life, bills, kids, shopping, etc.

That never happened. They never took me away. I was a single mum with a 3 year old. No family or friends as I'd just moved to a new area after separating from my adulterous husband and being homeless. I would hit crisis every month. Crisis at this time in my life was volatile... I had been through so much emotional trauma by this time that I was reacting to everything, and was feeling more and more suicidal.

Screaming, frustration, anger, rage and shouting. Throwing things, kicking things, punching, scratching my arms with my own nails, drinking, sobbing, weeping, and suicidal feelings.

I would lose all control over myself. An ex-boyfriend said once that I made no sense while I was having an episode. Words would come out, but he couldn't understand me. I figured I was a raving lunatic. I feared for my daughter. I thought I was an inadequate mother. I felt she should be taken away from me. I digress.... I know that ladies reading this who have PMDD can relate to my story, and those people who don't suffer, will never be able to truly understand how it feels.

The point to my story is that I have been in crisis more times than I care to remember. It's taken me years to understand, years to develop ways of coping, years of trying different meds... I grieve the years I have lost to PMDD, the opportunities lost and the events I've missed.

In everything I study, there are different realms... We live in physical, mental, emotional and spiritual realms. In holistic therapy, we can become unwell or suffer dis-ease in any of the realms. I believe in the theory that everything is interconnected. An illness in the mind can become an illness in the body, and PMDD is a disorder in the body that causes a disorder in the mind.

PMDD is an invisible disorder. Women that suffer look no different to women that don't (unless you count the extra grey hairs and bags under the eyes!). PMDD dis-ables women. It robs them of approximately two thirds of their life, every month, without fail.

PMDD often gets misdiagnosed as Bi-Polar. I asked my Psychiatrist what the difference between the two is, and he said 'Bi-polar sufferers will have periods of time (weeks, sometimes months) when they function normally. Life is relatively normal. Then they will swing, either up or down, again for a longer period of time, and the cycle continues.

PMDD works on a much faster cycle. The ups and the downs can be weekly, sometimes even daily, and there is no long period of normal, functioning time.' PMDD sufferers may get a few days in a row of feeling OK, and believe me, there is MUCH to do during those days... sort out problems, fill in forms, do the shopping, clean the house, catch up on work. It all too quickly deteriorates and jobs end up having to wait again till the turmoil is over.

If you can get to the point when you know you're about to explode, when you can recognise the feelings building, when you are aware of your actions, then you have half a chance of diverting disaster. In my next few posts, I will be looking at each 'realm' in turn, and how PMDD affects you on different levels.

This is my interpretation, my opinions, theories and my experiences. One thing is for sure.. although there are a lot of commonalities between PMDD sufferers, what works as a treatment, what helps you get through and survive is usually very different. There is no one way to treat PMDD. I am just sharing my way, in the hope I might be able to help others find their own path through PMDD.

My next post.... PMDD and the physical realm: Looking after the body to look after the mind.

Relationships and PMDD -- Doing Your Part

2011-02-16T06:57:00.000-08:00

Last week I posted 20 tips for partners who live with women who have PMDD. While it would be ideal if your partner did all of these things, that’s still only 50% of the equation. You’ve got to bring something to the party as well. As any relationship book will tell you, it takes two to make a relationship—any relationship—work.

So if you’re thinking, “If I just love him enough,” or “If I just (do anything) enough,” it’s not going to work—not without you running yourself into the ground. Relationships are full of give and take, and only work well when each partner gives as much as he or she takes.

Even if you’ve got the best partner in the world, there are still things you can do to make your PMDD episodes run more smoothly. And if your partner is not supportive—then do it for you…because you’re worth it.

1. Chart your symptoms daily. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, one of those pocket calendars will do. Just write a few words each day: anxious, crabby, sad, sleepy, achy, bloated, cravings, weepy, snapped at __________. Use this to get in touch with your feelings and your body. Eventually you’ll discover patterns of symptoms.

2. Consult your chart/PMDD calendar when considering social events, activities, creative or household projects, vacations and such. Making major decisions comes under this heading, too. Don’t set yourself up for failure by taking on something big when you know you won’t be feeling up to it. Don’t just try to slog through your life the best that you can…be pro-active!

3. Learn to recognize when you are symptomatic, and consciously postpone thinking about anything that needs serious thought until you are feeling better. If you don’t, your decisions will be colored by your PMDD, and you may well end up asking yourself, “What the hell was I thinking when I decided to do this?”

4. Understand that if it is not treated, your PMDD will only get worse. It could end up a major depressive disorder and who wants that when you know it can be avoided?

5. Find a doctor who will listen to you. If the doctor won’t listen, change doctors. It’s your life at stake here. No one has as much to gain from finding the right treatment for you as you do. So take an active part in your own health and well being. Don’t just do what the doctor says because “the doctor knows best.” The doctor knows what the doctor knows, and if the doctor doesn’t know anything about PMDD, you need to find one who does.

6. Try whatever you need to try to feel better. If you don’t feel better, then stop whatever makes you feel worse, and try something else. This goes for both medical and natural treatments. If medication works for you, go for it. If it doesn’t, don’t keep hanging in there, thinking it will get better. Your doctor is not you. Your doctor can’t feel what you feel or experience what you experience. Only you can know what works for you and what doesn’t.

7. Do not let anyone make you feel inadequate because something that works for others is not working for you. There is nothing wrong with you if this treatment or that treatment doesn’t work. All it means is you haven’t found the right solution for you yet. PMDD is not a one-size-fits-all disorder.

8. Move your body. Fit exercise in whatever you can, whenever you can. Isn’t a healthy you worth it? Find a few kinds of exercise you enjoy and mix it up so it doesn’t get boring fast. A class here, a walk there, maybe Tai Chi today and Zumba tomorrow. Just put on some music and dance around the house with the kids or by yourself for a song or two. See if that doesn’t put some energy in your step. Park your car a few spaces away from the door instead of in the closest spot. 30 minutes of some sort of aerobic activity a day is best, even if it’s just cleaning the bathroom or carting laundry up and down the stairs, but if you have to start with 5 or 10 minute increments, then start there. Anything is better than nothing.

9. It is essential that you get enough rest. Sleep is when your body re-regulates itself and if you don’t get enough sleep, your body doesn’t have the time it needs to complete its repair job from whatever abuses you subjected it to during the day. (aka substance abuse, smoking, stress, overexertion, poor diet). The more sleep you lose, the harder it is for your body to catch up, and you fall further and further behind each day. This explains why you are so exhausted.

10. Eat healthy. Whole foods, as close to their natural state as possible. Avoid alcohol, caffeine, sugar, sugar substitutes, anything made with high fructose corn syrup (yes, you might have to start reading labels), white rice and white flour, for starters. Start being aware of what you eat, and as you pour that cup of coffee, know you are contributing to your PMDD, and know that you are choosing to do so. Ask yourself, is this candy bar, energy drink, glass of wine, piece of cake worth feeling miserable two weeks from now?

11. Get yourself some high quality dark chocolate for when the cravings come. Not that mass-produced stuff that comes in a bag. No matter how good it tastes, it’s not going to help you like true chocolates from a chocolate store will. There are plenty online to choose from if your town doesn’t have a chocolate store. A bonus is you’ll need less of the high quality stuff to feel better, so you might even lose some weight.

12. If you snap out at someone, stop, apologize, and explain to them that it’s not them, it’s your PMDD. Don’t let hurt feelings fester, on either side of the relationship. If they’re not open to an explanation of PMDD, just say, “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day,” and leave it at that. Everybody has bad days now and then.

13. If somebody is trying to bait you, walk away. Don’t let their bad mood spark yours. Tell them you’ll be back or continue this conversation when you’re both in a better mood.

14. Ask for help when you need it. If you don’t have anyone in your life who is willing or capable of doing this, find new friends who will be supportive and encouraging. Even if they’re just online. PMDD forums and discussion groups abound. You don’t need to go through any of this alone.

15. Do not let your negative thoughts and feelings get the better of you. Every day, all day long, our minds run rampant with thoughts. Good ones, bad ones, even strange ones. One way to get a handle on this is to learn how to still your mind. But that takes dedicated time and effort. If you’re not at a place in your life where you can take the time out to meditate or practice some form of deep breathing exercise that stills the mind, at the very least, when the negative thoughts come, push them right back out of your mind and refuse to dwell on them. Say to yourself, “That’s my PMDD talking, not me,” and consciously change the subject.

Remember (as long as PMDD is your only problem), you are in control of your mind…your mind is not in control of you (even though it very much feels like it). You need to refuse to give those negative thoughts any air time, because if you don’t, they will loop endlessly through your mind, creating deeper and deeper ruts, until negative thoughts are all you know and you end up with major depressive disorder. This is how PMDD women become suicidal.

Some wonderful ideas on how to mentally shift gears are in this article from Women to Women. The article is about perimenopause, but unless you die first or have your ovaries surgically removed, thus throwing you into instant menopause, you’re headed for perimenopause anyway. Why not learn how to deal with it in advance?

Be blessed, and keep me posted on your progress!

Top 20 Tips for Men Dealing With PMDD

2011-02-09T05:25:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, my research has uncovered a complete lack of serious information for men on the subject of PMDD, so here it is, short and sweet, a list of the top 20 things you can do for your partner with PMDD.

1. Believe her. When she tells you what she’s experiencing, believe her. Even if it doesn't make sense. Because PMDD doesn't make sense. The symptoms are as unique and individual as the woman having them.

2. Do not tease her. Do not make fun of her, as this is a serious and often debilitating condition.

3. Chart her symptoms daily, either together or on your own. If she refuses to admit there's a problem, then do it on your own so that you can be prepared for when the storm hits.

4. Consult your chart when considering social events, activities, or vacations and such. Surprises and big decisions come under this heading, too.

5. Learn as much information as you can about PMDD from reliable resources. If they have a product to sell you, any type of product, proceed with caution.

6. Understand that if it is not treated, her PMDD will only get worse. It could end up as major depressive disorder.

7. Help her to find a doctor who will listen to her and help her. This may take a few tries.

8. Don’t let her negative thoughts and feelings get the better of her—or you. If she shares them with you, gently remind her it’s the PMDD talking, not her, and postpone any major discussions/decision making for a few days.

9. Be supportive and encouraging as she tries different things to feel better. Make a note of what works and what doesn’t. Share this with her doctor.

10. Help her to get enough rest. Sleep is when our bodies re-regulate themselves. If we don’t have enough (sleep) time to do the work needed, we start the day at a disadvantage.

11. Join her for moderate exercise. Exercise is always more fun with a friend.

12. Encourage her to eat healthy. (Avoid alcohol, caffeine, sugar, sugar substitutes, anything made with high fructose corn syrup, and white rice and flour, for starters.)

13. Buy her some high quality dark chocolate. Keep it on hand for the dark days.

14. Do what you can to keep stressful situations to a minimum. PMDD feeds on stress.

15. Do not accept any behavior that is abusive. Ever.

16. Do not return such behavior if it happens. Calmly walk away and resume your conversation when she is more in control of herself.

17. Remember that she literally is not herself during an episode of PMDD. Try not to hold the things she says and does against her. It’s not personal, and it’s not about you.

18. Be as comforting as she will allow you to. If she won’t let you near her, let her know you will be nearby if she needs you.

19. Don’t expect her to be full of sunshine and laughter when she’s not having a PMDD episode. A healthy, balanced, and emotionally well-rounded woman feels every emotion--not just the good ones.

20. Last, but not least: Do not blame every time she becomes irritated, annoyed, angry, afraid, or upset on her PMDD. Nothing is more irritating than having a genuine concern or grievance, and being told, “It’s your PMDD again, isn’t it?”

Maybe it is, and maybe it isn’t. Take the time to check her chart to see if she’s supposed to be having an episode, and then carefully sort through (usually by talking it out) and separate what is her PMDD and what is a genuine fear or concern on her part. Encourage her to feel and express the full range of emotions, just like people without PMDD do.

More than anything, a PMDD woman just wants to feel normal. These 20 tips will go a long way toward helping your partner do just that.

More Tips For Men Whose Partners Have PMDD

2011-02-02T09:38:00.000-08:00

Last week’s post, while it will go a long way toward stabilizing your relationship with a woman in the throes of a PMDD episode, was barely the tip of the iceberg. So this week I thought I’d continue with some tips and information on how to cope with your partner when she’s feeling her worst.

Once again, most articles I read in researching this post were about how awful it is for the man, who has to deal with all sorts of aberrant behavior on the part of his partner. There doesn’t seem to be much understanding or empathy for the woman actually going through the brain chemical changes over which she has no control.

So the first thing I want to emphasize once again is empathy. Put yourself in her place, and my guess is you’ll discover you wouldn’t want to have a body and brain you have no control over for several days a month. How would you feel if your thoughts—due to a biological disconnect between your brain and your mouth—came out as something else entirely—something actually hurtful to those you love the most? How would you feel if no matter how hard you tried to eat right and/or stay in shape, your body suddenly just wouldn’t cooperate? What if it actually undermined all your best efforts by bringing on intense cravings for things you know you shouldn’t eat, cravings for things that actually make your condition worse?

How would you feel if for up to half of your life, nothing you thought or said or did made sense?

One article I read said women could be touchy—touchy!—about being labeled as a raving lunatic for a few days a month. As if the women involved had no business being so sensitive. Who wants to be called insane? Do you?

It also said very few women will admit they’re affected by PMDD. Again, would you feel comfortable telling people, “Oh, don’t mind me, my mind just goes berserk every now and then?” Would you want the strange looks that come with such a statement, would you want people steering a wide path around you because you just admitted there’s something not quite right about you?

So don’t try to be helpful (or antagonistic) by pointing out her PMDD symptoms. She’s well aware of what she is feeling. Anxious, edgy, jittery, depressed, clumsy, fat, foolish, frightened, sleepy, weepy, ravenous, disorganized, out of control…the list goes on.

Even more important is that you don’t make fun of her for any of the above.

Again, if you knew people were going to ridicule you for something you have no control over, would you openly admit to having such a problem? How can any woman win the admiration and respect of the friends and family she loves and respects in such an antagonistic enviroment?

Your best bet is to save your meant-to-be-funny comments and war stories for your buddies, and simply act like nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Help to make your partner feel as accepted and normal as possible.

This does not mean you have to accept any kind of behavior she throws at you. Abuse is abuse, whether your partner means it or not. PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse, and you don’t have to accept abusive behavior under any conditions. For more on this, go to last week’s post.

Don’t spring any big surprises on her. Remember she’s doing everything she can just to cope with her everyday life, to stay on an even keel in a body emotionally tilting one way and then the other, just to get through the day without being labeled crazy. Big news, big plans, big surprises can wait for a day when she’s better equipped to handle them.

Besides, you should never trust any big decisions made while she is under the influence of her PMDD. This includes decisions she may come to regarding your relationship. If she says she wants out…do what you can to stay calm, and wait until the storm passes. If when it does she still wants out…then you have a different problem, and one that is beyond the scope of this blog.

Take it easy on social activities. If you felt like a beached whale and couldn’t seem to control what you put in your mouth, would you want to go to a party and spend it stuffing your face at the food table? A food binge can be great fun, if that’s what you want to be doing—if that’s your way of celebrating good times or good news. But if you’re watching your weight—and what woman isn’t at one point or another?—taking her food binge show on the road is the last thing she wants to be doing.

The same goes for her emotional outbursts. It’s hard enough to keep a lid on things at home. Do you really want to put her in a situation where she spends the evening either snarling at your friends and family or weeping at every little misinterpreted comment? Because during a PMDD episode, a woman’s brain will focus on the negative, and even if you didn’t say or mean anything negative at all, even if you compliment her, her brain is being flooded with negative thoughts and images, and eventually the dam will burst—putting a huge damper on your evening out.

And then she’ll feel miserable about it. About ruining your plans/evening/event. Whether she did or did not, if she’s normally in a healthy frame of mind, she will always blame herself for anything that goes wrong during these dark periods of time in her cycle.

So remember to chart her symptoms and plan social events to avoid head-to-head conflicts with her PMDD episodes if at all possible. She’ll appreciate you all the more for your understanding.

Be understanding of her cravings. Just as men do, women often seek comfort food when they are feeling miserable. During a PMDD episode, a woman will especially seek carbs. Doing so is a natural way to boost the level of serotonin in her body, and she knows this on a subconscious level. Where it gets confusing is the food and advertisement industries have done their best to convince us certain foods and drinks are healthy when they are not. So while on a very primitive level, your partner’s body is craving something to boost her serotonin levels and make her feel better, what manifests is a desire to eat everything in sight in the hopes of finding that magic solution.

It’s best to have good quality carbs already on hand for when these cravings strike. I find that whole wheat or multi-grain toast with no added sugar jam (not artificial sweeteners, as they can make PMDD symptoms worse), a bowl of whole or multi-grain cereal, or a bit of good quality dark chocolate does the trick. When we consume large amounts of cheap chocolate candy (or cereal) we are looking for the same effect, but in the wrong place. The added calories from the sugar and fat that come along with the added amount of chocolate needed to reach the same serotonin boost as a good quality piece of chocolate only cause our PMDD symptoms to worsen. They also cause us to gain weight.

But sometimes, the woman’s level of serotonin dips so low that nothing short of a pizza will do. If that’s the case, then go for it guilt free. You might even plan pizza night around her cycle, and see if that improves things.

Take on some of her workload. Whatever you can do to help out, do it with an attitude of love, not resentment. If she asks you to help around the house, do what she asks. If she wants you to run an errand, please do the same. The slightest bit of effort to appreciate what she’s going through will go a long way toward soothing her, and is it really worth the effort to argue over whose turn it is to take out the trash?

It’s true that things that don’t usually bother her will bother her greatly when she’s having an episode. Just keep in mind who your real partner is, and go along with what she says. The sooner you do, the sooner her episode will pass.

That’s right, stress will prolong her episode, so if you want it to end sooner, the best thing you can do is to go along to get along, as long as it’s a reasonable request.

If you’re a mature adult, you know what reasonable and unreasonable is. We don’t need to go into it here.

Treat her like you appreciate her. Every woman loves to be appreciated, no matter what mood she’s in. During an episode of PMDD, with all those negative thoughts running an endless loop inside her head, your partner needs extra special care. Reassurance is always nice, but might not be believed or accepted. Understand that the negative thoughts in her brain are overwhelming the positive ones you’re trying to get across. Be patient. Be persistent. Let her know you care, and you’re there for her if she needs you. She’ll meet you more than half way if she possibly can.

If she doesn’t, it’s because she can’t, or doesn’t understand enough about what’s happening to stop the train of negative thoughts in her mind. It’s not because she doesn’t want to, or doesn’t love you. It’s not about you at all. So remember that, and try not to take the things she says and does personally. In a few days time, the woman you love will return, and when she does, it would be a good time to discuss what may have gone wrong during her most recent episode.

A lot of women will want to forget what happened, pretend it didn’t happen at all, and that’s quite normal, but not the best way to deal with it. Talking it out with your partner when she’s feeling herself is the best way to prevent unwanted behaviors and situations in the future.

The bible says it best : Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ~ 1 Corinthians 13

All a woman with PMDD is looking for is the same thing everyone wants—love and acceptance.

The more you accept, the less you’ll have to. What we resist persists. So don’t fight your partner’s PMDD. Go with it, roll with it--and watch the waves grow smaller over time.

Dealing With PMDD - Advice for Men

2011-01-26T08:50:00.000-08:00

I’ve spent quite a bit of time searching the internet for Resources and Advice for men dealing with a woman who suffers from PMDD. Unfortunately, most articles lump PMS and PMDD together, which does a great disservice to women with PMDD. In the comment sections of these articles both men and women express anger and resentment toward the women who experience true PMDD: the men claiming the articles give women a license to behave badly two weeks out of the month, and the women claiming the women with extreme mood swings give all women a bad name.

So, to clear a few things up…

20% of women suffer no pre-menstrual symptoms at all
80% of women suffer from some combination of pre-menstrual symptoms
20-40% experience moderate discomfort pre-menstrually
Up to 10% of women suffer from PMDD

This post is written for the men who have partners in the last category.

But before we get started, a quick primer on the differences between PMS and PMDD.

PMS deals primarily with physical symptoms. Bloating, aching, cramping, tenderness, fatigue, headaches, food cravings, and mild mood swings are the most well-known of the more than 150 symptoms possible. A little irritability, tension, sadness, weepiness, or any combination thereof is par for the course.

The major component of PMDD is mood swings in the extreme. PMDD actually affects your brain’s capability to regulate itself, and therefore affects just about every other hormone in your body. That’s not to say a woman can’t have the bloating, aching, cramping, fatigue, cravings, and other physical symptoms. If she does, it may well be that she suffers from both PMDD and PMS, and once she gets her PMDD under control, all she’ll be left with is some PMS.

Frankly, I think most women with PMDD would be happy to simply suffer some form of PMS. Because PMS is to PMDD what a headache is to a migraine. There is a distinct difference, and that difference is biological—not mental. The biology of PMS and PMDD share many similarities, but at some point they split into completely different paths. An explanation of that is beyond the scope of this post, but I’ll be happy to write about it some other time.

For now, it’s enough to know that PMS and PMDD are two completely different things.

That’s not to say your relationship won’t benefit from the advice in this post if your partner simply has PMS. But we’re not talking about PMS here today, we’re talking full-blown PMDD.

1. Both you and your partner should mark the time on a calendar when you expect her to be pre-menstrual. This can be hard if her cycle is not regular, but do the best you can to identify patterns. An explanation of my pattern is here, and can give you an idea of what symptoms to look for.

If your partner is in denial, and claims there’s nothing wrong with her—mark your own calendar separately. In many cases, the man can tell before the woman that she’s entering into her pre-menstrual phase, because he’s watching from the outside, while she’s busy trying to cope—either consciously or sub-consciously--with the unwanted changes going on in her brain and body.

Please note: There are women who are in complete denial that anything different is happening to them, and then there are women who know what’s happening, but “really don’t want to deal with this right now” because they are too busy to, and so they pretend nothing is happening, and they really aren’t feeling any differently, until it’s too late to do anything about it, and the episode erupts full force.

Determine which type of woman you are living with, and keep track accordingly. Apparently there are several applications available on the iPhone and Android phones to help you track her cycle, but an old-fashioned calendar will do just as well.

2. If she’s indicated that this is what she would prefer, try to stay clear of her until the episode passes. This has nothing to do with you, or her love for you. It’s simply due to her heightened sensitivity to any combination of the five senses. She literally can’t handle any more sensory input—be it bright lights, loud noises, touch of any kind, strong smells, or even certain foods. If a PMDD woman has allergies of any kind, they can be exacerbated pre-menstrually. If she has any another condition, such as arthritis, diabetes, or fibromyalgia, they can be exacerbated as well.

Even if she’s otherwise healthy, during an episode of PMDD a woman is literally is a walking bundle of nerves. Unfortunately for both of you, this heightened sensitivity and discomfort can be so distracting that it causes her an inability to focus on things like questions, requests, conversations, or simple instructions. (Now you know why she forgot to pick up your suit at the cleaners.)

Take the first one, for example: You have a question that requires more than minimal thought and consideration.
Examples would be:
Major purchases—car, appliances, maybe that boat/motorcycle/sportscar you’ve always wanted (not a good time to bring it up)
Health decisions
Financial decisions
Employment decisions
Decisions involving having or raising children
Vacation plans
Any change of routine or structure in your life

Why? Because during a PMDD episode a woman’s brain is not functioning properly. This has nothing to do with how smart or intelligent she is. This is her brain chemistry being disrupted due to the hormonal shifts taking place in her body. During a PMDD episode it can take all of her concentration simply to focus on the basics of getting through each day. If you come at her with anything resembling a major decision, it could overload her brain and cause a meltdown.

So if she asks for space during that time, please give it to her.

3. Be patient. Dealing with anybody on a short fuse can be challenging. If she snaps at you, or does something that irritates you, don't lose your temper and fight back. It won't do any good, and in most cases will only make things worse. Just (discreetly) take a deep breath, maybe say a prayer, and ignore whatever she just did that bothered you. Remember that she's not normally like this and she’ll be herself again soon.

4. Do not enable immature behavior. I’ve said all along, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse. Being emotional does not excuse inappropriate behavior, any more than being drunk excuses offensive behavior. If she’s being immature, yelling, shouting, stomping, snapping, cursing, slamming or throwing things, don’t respond with your own immature behavior. She at least has an explanation for it—a biological explanation. What’s your excuse?

Stay calm and leave the room if you have to, until she settles down. Let her know you love her and you’ll be nearby, but you can’t have a conversation with her when she’s being irrational. Believe me, she knows she’s being irrational. But without conscious effort at awareness, she can’t stop herself any more than she could stop an allergic reaction. If you calmly point out that she’s being immature or irrational and say you’ll be happy to continue this conversation another time, things will settle down a lot more quickly than if you respond with your own emotional outburst.

5. Listen to her, even if she’s not making any sense. Try to figure out what the REAL problem is. If she’s complaining about something that’s never bothered her before, or doesn’t usually bother her, most likely what she’s saying is “I feel miserable, and there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m looking for something else to change and hoping that will make me feel better.” This is a time of true desperation for her. She’s looking for anything, rational or irrational, that will make her feel better. This is a good time to suggest she take some time out for herself, maybe a hot bath, or a cup of tea and a good book, or whatever soothes her soul. Let her know you support her need to have a little time to pamper herself in whatever way makes her the happiest.

But beware of sending her out on a shopping spree. Retail therapy will only make things worse when the mood has passed and the bills come in.

6. Don't take it personally. During an episode of PMDD, you can count on her emotions getting the best of her, and she'll probably question your relationship. She might question you. Might question her whole life and everything she believes or stands for. This is normal and natural for a woman during an episode of PMDD. As mentioned in Number 5 above, she's feeling helpless, and sometimes when people feel helpless they look for other things they can control, and that might mean bringing up topics or suggesting changes that trigger your emotions. Your best defense against this is to stay level-headed and calmly say, "Ok, I understand." What you really understand is that you're still the same person she loved before her PMDD episode kicked in, and her change in perception of you and her life overall is the PMDD talking, not her. For more information on this, see my post It’s Not Personal – It’s Just My PMDD.

7. Be compassionate. Think about a time when stress or physical changes made you hard to get along with. Have you ever been sleep-deprived? Maybe you had an accident or were the hospital, and the chronic pain made you want to lash out at everybody. Put yourself in her shoes. Not only is she experiencing uncomfortable physical symptoms, but her hormones also ebbing and flowing, making it almost impossible for her to know how she feels or what she wants. Think of the effect testosterone has had on you, like when you get sexually aroused, or on any occasion when you felt aggression or rage. You remember how you felt caught up in the emotion, how it made you want to say and do things you ordinarily wouldn’t say or do. That’s what’s happening to her.

8. Be forgiving and reassuring. Her insecurities will definitely come up during an episode of PMDD, and with her heightened sensitivity, every negative thought she has will be magnified ten times over. If she doesn’t consciously stop the negative thoughts, they will flow through her mind in an endless loop. If you can get her to talk about them, fine. Some women won’t want to, because they know the thoughts are irrational, even while they are having them, they just don’t know how to stop them. Nobody wants to share irrational thoughts, and then remember they did so when the episode is over—even if the only one remembering them is her.

If she feels unloved and insecure, she’ll probably act out, which will make you not want to be around her, which will "confirm" her negative thoughts. Most women feel insecure about their bodies to start with, maybe even their lovemaking, child-rearing, housekeeping, or professional skills, and if they’re in any way insecure about your feelings for them, this is when that insecurity will come out. So try to give her a few extra compliments (and don’t be offended if she doesn’t believe you, or snaps at you for it), and—if she’ll let you (remember those heightened sensory sensitivities)--be more affectionate. If she won’t let you near her, don’t make her feel badly by taking it personally. Guilt is the last thing she needs when she’s feeling unlovable. Tell her you understand and you’ll be around if she changes her mind. That could well be all it takes to melt her defenses.

More on this next week, as that’s enough for now. For more information, I invite you to scroll through my most popular posts, as indicated in the sidebar.

Take care, and good luck!

Relationships and PMDD - Finding the Right Partner

2011-01-19T07:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, today’s post begins the one I had in mind when I started this series on relationships. But once I started thinking about it, I realized that for any of us to have a successful relationship, we have to start with ourselves. We have to know ourselves, like ourselves, and be friends with ourselves before we can successfully have any sort of relationship with anyone else, be it friendship, a family relationship, or a relationship with a significant other.

People will only treat you as well as you treat yourself. If you don’t know yourself, don’t understand yourself, how can you explain your PMDD to anyone else? If you don’t treat yourself with kindness, care, and consideration, how can you expect anyone else to?

So I started with Relationships Begin With You, then emphasized the importance of getting to know yourself as well as you would a friend, and then offered some ideas on how to be a friend to yourself, or how to treat yourself the way you would a friend. Because, face it, most of us treat friends better than we do ourselves. We’re there for friends, but when it comes to taking care of ourselves…for any number of reasons, we drop the ball. Those issues go way beyond the subject of PMDD, so this is not the place to explore them.

I then tackled the topic of family—offered tips on how to get along with your family, especially during family gatherings--and if for reasons beyond your control, you just can’t get along with some family members—I wrote about how to “just say no” to family gatherings for your own peace of mind and well being. This is not opting out. This counts as being good to yourself, and treating yourself like a friend. If a friend came to you and said, “I just can’t deal with my family, family drama stresses me out, or I love them but they just plain make me feel crazy,” what would you tell that friend?

Then tell yourself the same thing. Do what you can to get along, and learn to let go of the rest. Take a break from the family if you need to, if you need some time to get your head together. The only person you have control over and are responsible for is yourself. If others behave badly, that’s not on you. But if you’re the one behaving badly, then you need to take a look at that, take some time out, and do your best to figure out what you could be doing differently. Be the change you want to see in your world. Start with taking care of yourself.

Many of us are already in relationships, and have children. Children who depend on us to be there for them, no matter what kind of day we are having. Taking care of ourselves helps us to be better able to take care of them. When we’re calm, relaxed, and happy, we’re much better able to weather the storms life brings into our days, and provide that emotional stability our children need to grow into happy, well-adjusted adults.

They can’t do that if we’re in a bad relationship, whatever the reason. So if you’re not willing to put forth the effort to find or create a healthy, stable, and supportive relationship for yourself, then do it for them—the kids who are counting on you to show them how to navigate life’s many challenges. If you don’t show them…who will?

To have a good relationship, you need a supportive partner. Period. If your partner isn’t supportive of your needs as a PMDD woman, you might as well be a salmon swimming upstream. But for your partner to be supportive of those needs, you have to know what those needs are, yourself. When you’re having an episode, do you need calm and quiet, or do you need to be held? Do you need to be left alone, or do you want someone who can gently and lovingly help to ease you out of your negative mood? Will flowers and candy help? Do you just want to watch TV or read a book, or do you want to talk?

The answers are as varied as can be. But the key to any good relationship is communication. Maybe one month you’ll want to go out to dinner. Maybe another you’ll want to take a long bath. Maybe you’ll want to make some popcorn and watch a comedy. Maybe you’ll want to go for a walk. Maybe you just want to feel appreciated.

Whatever you want, you need to be able to communicate that to your partner. And if your partner won’t cooperate…is he or she the right partner for you? I’ve said all along, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse. It’s not an excuse to behave badly. It’s not an excuse to take your anger, irritation, or sadness out on others. It’s not an excuse to withdraw and/or abandon your responsibilities.

But it is an explanation for why you feel tempted to do these things when having an episode of PMDD.

The first thing you need to do is chart your symptoms, to discover what your pattern is. I detailed mine in my post, A Perfect Storm of PMDD. Once you know what your pattern is, you need to let your partner know when your bad days are coming, and ask for some extra consideration on those days. If you have a really good relationship with your partner, he or she might be able to see the storm coming before it arrives. I know there have been many times in my life that I was completely unaware that I was starting to act out of character, until my best friend, a man, pointed it out. Then I had to decide if he was right or not, because nobody knows my mental, emotional, or physical state as well as I do.

Sometimes he’s right, and sometimes he’s wrong. When he’s right, we go into PMDD mode. When he’s wrong, I do my best to figure out what’s really bothering me, and if he’s involved, we talk about it. If he’s not, I might ask him to help me figure out ways to deal with the person or situation that is causing my anger and or tears.

Beware of partners who tell you that you must be having an episode just because you’re upset with them for one reason or another. There come times in everyone’s lives when we are genuine angry or upset with someone about something. And that’s okay. Anger and emotional upset are normal and natural signals that something is not going right in our lives. They’re like warning lights, letting us know that here is something going on that needs to be addressed. The key is to know the difference—are you genuinely angry, or has your PMDD kicked in?

If your PMDD has kicked in, revert to the list of phrases I mentioned in my last post. What works with children and family members works just as well with partners. Or make up your own list. Agree on these code phrases beforehand, when you are feeling well. Then, when the bad days come, you’ll have them ready to diffuse tense situations that arise.

A good relationship of any kind is based on mutual admiration and respect. If you’re in a good relationship, your partner will respect your need for space or extra attention when the bad days come. If you’re not, you will likely find yourself with a partner who ignores you, demeans you, eggs you on, refuses to believe you, and/or abandons you when you most need love and support. Partners like this only add to the problem, because they create stress. Stress exacerbates PMDD and PMDD causes stress.

So the best thing you can do for yourself is to find a partner who will not add to your stress when you are already stressed. If your partner simply won’t listen, then there’s more going on in your relationship than just your PMDD. Don’t let anyone blame you or your PMDD solely for the failures in a relationship, be they friends, family, or your significant other. It takes two people to have a relationship. If you’re trying, and the other party isn’t—it’s not just about your PMDD. They’re using your PMDD as an excuse to avoid looking at whatever else may be going wrong in the relationship.

I don’t know any gentler way to say it. If somebody loves you, truly loves you, they will work with you to find a way to make your life easier and your episodes more bearable. They will be open to information and resources on the subject, and will want to help you get better. They will not walk away, and they will not cast 100% of the blame on you. They may not be happy with you at times, but they will be there for you.

If they are not…then you need to start at the beginning again…and learn how to be there for yourself.

It's Not Personal, It's Just Your PMDD

2011-01-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

Okay, we’ve covered your relationship with you, learning to treat yourself as well as you would a friend, how exactly to have a relationship with yourself, choosing your friends wisely, avoiding relatives who are toxic to you if you can, and tips to get along with them if you do choose to attend family functions.

Now we’re going to look at your relationship with another aspect of your family—the people you live with every day.

This could be any combination of people and or ages. Mother/guardian and children; parents and/or siblings (you, living with your parents and siblings); adult woman living with parents; adult woman caring for parents; roommates; mother, partner, and children; childless couples; same sex couples, you name it. But these are the people we are closest to, physically, if not emotionally. It would be nice if we were as emotionally close to them as we are physically, but for any number of reasons that often isn’t the case.

Stress at home is bad enough, but for a PMDD woman, it can be the key element that keeps you from getting well, as any kind of strife at home only exacerbates a PMDD woman’s symptoms. During a PMDD episode, we are biologically sensitive creatures, as in sensitive to light, sound, touch, taste, and smells. This has been proven. A PMDD woman’s five senses can be enhanced during an episode, enhanced to the point of discomfort and beyond, which makes us react in ways not welcome or understood by those who do not suffer such on again, off again changes in sensitivity to light, sound, touch, taste, and/or smell.

Please understand this: It’s biological, this shift/change that is happening in our bodies, but we react to it/manifest it emotionally.

Anger has been a basic form of self defense since the cave dwellers. Our bodies are hardwired to react with some form of flight or fight (including anger and aggression) when we feel threatened.

You’re having a PMDD episode and the kids are being too loud? You snap and snarl to get them to quiet down. Your head is pounding with a PMDD migraine, you tell your beloved to shut up and turn out the lights. Both of these reactions are nothing more than self-preservation instincts kicking in. Too many flashing lights? Too much electronic noise? Same deal. Significant other giving you a hard time? Everybody wants a piece of you at the same time?

Your biological responses kick in, and you lash out in self defense.

The target of your attack responds with “What’s wrong with you? I was just…?”

They wonder if you’re crazy. You wonder if you’re crazy. Some are even so mean-spirited as to taunt you and make you do it again and again and again…because when you’re out of control, the focus is off of them. Just remember that.

The best way to fight this form of mean-spiritedness is to become your own best friend, get to know yourself better than anyone else knows you, sort through what is your fault and what is not, then amend your own behavior—such as catching yourself before you explode into anger or tears—and learn how to apologize when you don’t.

Never apologize for “being the way I am.” You are who you are. And God loves you just the way you are. If your family or partner doesn’t…you need to think about that. Think about some changes you might need to make before you can be well again.

But right now you need to focus on you, to get a handle on your PMDD.

If you don’t catch yourself in time, apologize immediately for the hurt you caused the other person. Not for being upset in the first place. When you snap out during an episode of PMDD, unless you are aware of what you are doing and actually feel it coming on, you have no more control over what you say and do than you would over an allergic reaction.

Because it’s biological in nature, and deals with, among other things, your stress responses.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which came first, stress or PMDD? Stress contributes to PMDD, and PMDD causes stress. The only thing you can do to break the cycle (short of taking drugs that only mask your symptoms and give you various side effects to deal with) is to get to know yourself as well as you possibly can, and learn ways to head off these “natural as an allergic reaction” responses to stress.

If you chart your symptoms, which really is a must for a PMDD woman, you can tell when things are going to start getting dicey in your life. You can plan around those days, plan to take it easy on those days if at all possible, learn to pamper yourself a little. You can also warn those you live with that those days are coming.

If they are not sympathetic, do not explode. Simply be the change you want to see in the world. Model the type of behavior you would like to receive from them. Do unto others….

It all starts with you. Why? Because if you don’t take care of you, nobody else will. If you have to start being nicer to someone so that they will be nicer to you, then so be it. Give peace a chance. There are those who won’t respond positively, or who won’t respond at all. That does not matter. The only person whose behavior you are responsible for is you. And once you have a handle on your own behavior, they can’t use it against you any more.

So think about that.

My house is a haven. It’s where I go to find peace, to recharge, to rest and relax. It wasn’t always that way, and I had to make some serious choices and changes to get to where I am today. One baby step at a time.

But now, if I am having a bad day, all I have to do is say so, and everyone knows it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and my PMDD. The best course of action is to avoid me, make no demands, agree with me if I start something, and not take anything I say or do personally.

My job is to stay aware of what I am doing, go about my business quietly, gently remind people who forget and start to ask for something I can’t give at that moment that I am having a bad day, do my best not to start anything, and not take anything personally.

The best advice for everyone involved is to not to take anything personally on those days. This is not a license to freely do and say what you want to during that period, but an agreement that if things should go awry or even get out of hand—it’s not personal. It’s just your PMDD.

Remember, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse.

And if others in your household are behaving badly when you are having an episode of PMDD, what is their explanation for it?

Think about that one for a while.

You’ll soon realize it’s not just you.

So stop taking the blame for everything that does wrong in your relationships. Recognize that it takes two to have a relationship and both parties have to want the relationship equally for it to work.

I’m talking about adults here.

When it comes to kids, it should be easier to simply explain to them that Mommy is having a bad day, and needs some quiet time, and it would be a really big help if they could find something quiet to do while Mommy rests so she can feel better sooner.

If your kids don’t understand or refuse to honor this simple request, then a parenting class might be in order. If your partner doesn’t understand or refuses to honor this simple request, a relationships class might be in order. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little peace and quiet, a little time to yourself to regroup, especially when you are not feeling well.

Around here, we use words like…
I’m feeling fragile today.
I can’t handle too much information today.
I’m having a bad day.
I’m having a sad day.
Whatever you say or do today will be wrong, so it’s best to steer clear of me today.
It’s not personal.
It’s not you.
She’s baaaack! (Meaning my evil twin).
Guess who’s visiting? (The Alien, which is another name for her.)
All I want is chocolate.
Let’s go out to eat.
I can’t stay awake today.
I think I’ll just read a book for a while.
Not today, hon, I can’t seem to hold onto my thoughts for very long.
I think I’ll just end this day now and go to bed. (Usually said when I am extremely irritable, and no matter who says anything to me, they are likely to get blasted. I simply remove myself from the situation and temptation.)

That’s enough for today. I hope I’ve given you some food for thought.

Relationships - How To Survive Family Gatherings

2011-01-05T06:48:00.000-08:00

Although many of you enjoyed it, and very much I appreciate your saying so, I wasn’t completely happy with my post last week. I generally try to offer positive insights and information, and somehow the idea of leaving it at “If you don’t get along with your family, then just don’t go,” didn’t set well with me.

Because there are a lot of us who genuinely would like to get along with our families and have our family gatherings filled with happy memories of good times shared. There are also a lot of us, who, for one reason or another, simply aren’t willing or ready to make that kind of a break with our fundamental family ties…because without family, what are we, but alone?

Nobody likes to be alone. Especially on the holidays, when, according to what see on television, everyone else is out having the time of their lives.

So, this week I want to offer some positive thoughts and information on things you can do to make your future family gatherings, be they over the holidays or for any family occasion, a little more pleasant.

1. Lower your expectations: Most people go into the holidays with Norman Rockwell expectations and end up deeply disappointed, even depressed and suicidal. Where do most of these expectations come from? Your television. Starting well into October, advertisements abound showing happy families gathering and sharing their holiday joy. Keep in mind that these advertisements are designed to sell you products, and are not a realistic representation of what goes on in most families. Just like skinny runway models are not true representations of the average woman, warm and fuzzy advertisements with everyone laughing and smiling around a holiday table as they pass the food and drink are not true representations of a holiday family gathering. They are somebody’s image of an ideal—and ideals are extremely hard to reproduce in everyday real life.

And don’t blame yourself if your holiday event falls short of the idealized version you see on TV. This is tantamount to blaming yourself for not having a body as hot as your favorite movie star’s. Looking good is what they get paid to do. If you got paid to look that good, you would, too. Any woman can look sexy with the right hair, clothes, and make up. If you don’t have access to the same spas, trainers, dieticians, life-coaches, cooks, housekeepers, nannies, drivers, and secretaries or assistants they do, then how can you expect yourself to look as good as they do?

Same with the happy families on TV. If you don’t have access to the same funds and production crews that they do, how can your family holiday be as picture perfect as they portray theirs to be? They probably don’t even know each other! They’re just a bunch of strangers acting like a happy family.

So don’t fall for the hype. Work with what you have, and stop trying to imitate some marketing specialist’s unrealistic image of what your holiday gathering should be like.

2. Arrive with a smile and determination to look for nuggets of good humor throughout the day. If someone brings up a topic you’d rather not discuss, just smile and say, “Gee, I really haven’t thought much about that lately.” Then excuse yourself to head off for the food and or drink, perhaps even asking if there is anything you can bring back for them. (If you're already at the table, pick up the nearest serving dish and offer some food. "Would you like some more mashed potatoes?") Switch the focus to them, in a polite way. Don’t let them get your goat. Once you’ve returned with whatever they might have asked for, just smile and say, “Here you go,” and then be on your way. Either way, the uncomfortable topic has been diverted.

3. Use the event as an opportunity for growth as a person. Practice the skills of patience, kindness, tolerance, acceptance, and/or self-control. Congratulate yourself every time you manage to take the high road and not snap out at the person who is trying to get you to lose your cool, either deliberately or inadvertently. Use it as an opportunity to learn about how you “don’t” want to be.

4. Set your intention to have a good time, no matter what. Get a good night’s sleep beforehand. Read up and prepare yourself to view the gathering as a spiritual event. One in which you know your spirit will be challenged, and you refuse to let anyone shake your good mood. One of the best books I’ve ever read that has to do with dealing with difficult people is Thank You For Being Such a Pain, by Mark Rosen.

5. Eliminate three words from your vocabulary for the day -- Always, Never, and Ever. The reasons why are explained in this article.

6. Stay sober. I know this is a hard one, because a lot of people use alcohol to get through the day, thinking it’s the only way they will be able to deal with it, but in truth alcohol only contributes to the problem, because it magnifies whatever issues are already on the table, or lurking just beneath the surface. Besides, a PMDD woman needs to stay away from alcohol.

7. Don’t choose sides in any conflict that develops. Period.

8. Stay away from discussions involving sex, politics, and religion. Arrive prepared with alternate topics to bring up…bring photos of the kids or your last vacation. Anything important to you or your family that you’d like to share. Try not to get your feelings hurt if your efforts to share are ignored or dismissed. Congratulate yourself for at least having the willingness to try.

9. Invite a friend or two who has nowhere else to go for the holiday dinner. Sometimes bringing new people into the situation will help to keep unruly relatives on their best behavior. Or will at least make them consider restraining themselves in the presence of guests.

10. Drive separately, so that you can escape if need be. If you can’t leave the house, then leave the room. Go into the kitchen and see if you can help there. Busy yourself with clearing plates and empty drink glasses/cans. Or just go and refill your own drink. Maybe spend some time in the bathroom, practicing deep breathing exercises. Go for a walk if you can. While you’re in the bathroom or on that walk, call a friend you’ve arranged to call beforehand if things get dicey. Enlist some moral support, and do it guilt-free.

11. And it may well go against the grain, but if you feel you absolutely must go to the family gathering, then go and aim for one positive encounter during the event, and build from there. Next time aim for two, and privately celebrate your successes. It might take a few years to get where you want to be, but if this is your family, or your mate’s family, you’ll have as many years as you need to, to work on it.

12. Another sanity-saving option is to arrive late and leave early. Simply limit your time with your closest relatives, so that whatever of the above you might be willing to try has a bigger chance of success.

Below are some other excellent resources for success:

Overall tips on dealing with holiday stress:

The Happiness Project: Eight Tips for Dealing With Difficult Relatives over the Holidays

This article from Spiritual Zen has some really good ideas, such as be prepared and have a plan, seek to understand rather than be understood, and know when enough is enough.

And for the less spiritual and more practical among us: Practical Tips for Dealing With Difficult Relatives Over the Holidays

When all else fails, disengage.

Because sometimes nothing less than Just Say No will do. Plan an alternate holiday gathering/event and proceed with it guilt-free, telling your family you’re simply taking a break and will see them next time.

Next week: Dealing with your immediate family when you have PMDD. Until then, Happy New Year and be blessed...

Relationships - Choosing Your Family

2010-12-30T05:17:00.000-08:00

Families are…hard to deal with, any way you look at it. They consist of the people who are supposed to love you the most, care more about your welfare than anyone else, treat you more kindly than strangers, and keep you safe from the world’s evils.

But they don’t. In fact, they quite often do the opposite. Which leaves all of us feeling pretty damn confused. If my family is supposed to love me and nurture me, provide for my needs and keep me safe…but doesn’t…then how can I expect anyone else to love and encourage me, provide for my needs, and keep me safe?

That’s a question I don’t have an answer to. So I spent yesterday morning researching articles on families and the holidays, hoping to offer some sage words of wisdom in my post on family relationships, and researching took so long I used up the time I would have used writing the post. The worst part was the best advice I could come up with was…

Just say no.

That’s right…just say no. If your family is toxic…then just don’t go to those holiday events, reunions, and family affairs. Article after article after article said the same thing.
Being the kind of person who much prefers to see everyone get along, this message was rather disappointing to me. But it trumped the message boards, hands down.

And I have to admit, that if you follow the advice in my previous posts, about making friends with yourself first, before you make friends with others, and about choosing your friends wisely, and choosing to spend time only with those people who exhibit the qualities you would most like to develop in yourself—how many of us would choose our own families?

Some of us have families that are truly supportive, encouraging us to be the best person we can possibly be. Others, unfortunately, are pits of dysfunctional hell. If you have PMDD, due to the correlation between childhood abuse and PMDD, chances are your family falls more firmly into the second category. Which also means the relationship you’re in right now is probably unhealthy. Which only adds to your problems with PMDD. Like attracts like, (even if you’re opposites—you’re the same in your ability to have a healthy relationship), and if you were abused as a child, the chances are good you will end up in a relationship that is abusive in one way or another. Which will only make your PMDD symptoms worse.

I’m jumping ahead of myself here, because my next post will be about dealing with your immediate family…but the facts can not be denied…studies have shown there is a strong correlation between abusive relationships of any kind, and PMDD.

So…if you have PMDD, chances are your extended family relationships are strained, and holiday gatherings are not pleasant. Taking us back to the first relationship post, where I said relationships begin with you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to listen to yourself, to your intuition and your body, to become more aware of your feelings about everything, and let them guide you.

Emotions are just that, emotions, and they will pass. But feelings, true feelings, will resonate in your body. If the thought of going somewhere and spending time with people you don’t like and who don’t like you fills your body with dread, churns your stomach, gives you a stress headache, puts you on edge, or makes you reach for substances that dull your pain, then yes, you need to stop and think twice about why you are doing this to yourself. Remember, if you don’t look out for yourself, nobody is going to do it for you.

If you don’t set the boundaries of what you will and won’t accept from other people in the way of behavior, be they family or strangers, nobody is going to do it for you. People with abusive personalities don’t recognize or observe boundaries—they will push and push and push as much as you let them. You can either 1) push back—which benefits no one—2) set your boundaries and quietly but firmly enforce them—which abusers will then call abuse, since you are no longer letting them have their way—3) simply refuse to engage, by not answering (unfortunately, this method has its own drawbacks) or 4) not attend any event in which you are likely to be treated with any form of disrespect.

In the end, it all comes down to you again, and how healthy you want to be. PMDD and stress are like the chicken and the egg. Nobody knows which comes first. But they do have a strong correlating relationship, and one affects the other. How you handle stress affects your PMDD and how you handle (or don’t handle) your PMDD definitely causes stress.

The best thing to do then, to get a handle on your PMDD, is to remove all sources of stress from your life. This in itself can be extremely stressful, but in the long run is much healthier than taking drug after drug to solve a problem that can not be fixed by taking drugs, no matter what the drug companies tell you.

So the same advice applies to forming or perpetuating family relationships that applies to forming and maintaining friendships—are the people you spend time with people who exhibit the positive qualities you would like to have more of in your life?

If not, then why are you spending time with them?

Sometimes you have to go out and create your own family. This works, too, because once you get right down to it, a family, like a home, is simply a place in your heart. You can create a home anywhere, and you can create the kind of family you’d like to have anywhere as well. To do that, however, you might have to first let go of the old one. Or at least limit contact with them until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself and can comfortably deal with the stress of the situation.

Until then, they’re going to keep getting to you, your PMDD will continue to worsen, and you’re going to continue to dread every family event that comes up that will be attended by people you don’t really like and wouldn’t choose as friends.

The choice, as always, is up to you. I can hear the “But you don’t understand!” comments now.

I can, and I do. Been there, done that. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t fun, but I came out on the other side of it just fine, and this year, for Christmas, I had two of the best and most memorable holiday dinners I can ever remember having. I looked around and thought, This….now this is what I was aiming for all those years.

So I know it does exist.

And I wish it for each and every one of you.

Take care, God Bless, and I wish us all a healthy, happy, and prosperous New Year.

Choosing Your Friends Wisely - Whether You Have PMDD Or Not

2010-12-23T09:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, so we’ve learned that Relationships Begin With You, and that you need to be a friend to yourself before you can be a friend to anyone else, and that being a friend to yourself starts with slowing down and listening to yourself, mind, body, heart, and soul.

For instance, I’m late with this post because yesterday I was listening to my body and being good to myself. I woke up with a tremendous pain in my neck, one that had kept me up for most of the night, so I called my chiropractor first thing, made my first appointment in months, and then actually listened to him when he told me to go home and take it easy, instead of throwing myself headlong back into my life. I came home and took a three-hour nap, then spent the evening reading a book. This morning, I made sure I attended my Qigong (slow movement and stretching) class, knowing that would help to keep my positive healing energy going.

Was there a lot I didn’t get done? Yes. But do I feel 100% better? Yes. Much better than slogging through the day, trying to cross half a dozen more things off my to-do list before the holidays. Things that will still be there to do after the holidays. Right now, I need to take care of me, or I will be miserable over the holidays and no fun to be around at all.

So…that’s the difference that comes from listening to my body and attending to—instead of ignoring--its needs. Since I started doing this unfailingly, I haven’t had a PMDD episode to speak of. I’ve had a dip or two in mood that was quickly boosted by eating some whole-grain carbs, but other than that, life has been on a pretty even keel for several months now.

So today I want to talk about relationships with friends. A lot of women with PMDD have at one time or another isolated ourselves, because we don’t feel friends or family will ‘understand’ when we are having an episode, so it’s easier just to go into isolation and deal with it alone.

Easier, but is it healthier? Wouldn’t it be nice to know you’re still loved and people still want to be around you, even when you feel the most unloveable?

You do this by choosing your friends wisely. You do this by choosing friends who are patient, kind, and understanding. You do this by moving away from people who are not. As a PMDD woman, you need to look out for yourself, because nobody is going to do it for you. If this means ending or scaling back a few friendships and/or relationships, then so be it.

You have to do what is right for you. Why would you want to remain in a friendship that isn’t healthy for you?

You decide who you want to have in your life, and who you don’t. You don’t have to cut former friends out completely. You can simply put some distance between you--see them less often, speak less often, or speak only when you run into each other during social events--just don’t do anything one on one anymore.

Instead, surround yourself with the kind of person you would like to be. To me, that’s kind, caring, giving, compassionate, and loving. I’ve moved away from anyone who doesn’t embody the kind of qualities I want to see more of in my life. I’ve moved away from those who are negative, demeaning, demanding, needy, and live lives full of drama they create themselves.

Some people need a lot of drama in their lives to be happy. I’m not one of them.

I’m not saying you can only be friends with people who are the same as you…or people without any problems (is there such a person??)...not at all. I have many different friends, with all sorts of different lifestyles, problems, interests and beliefs--but they all hold the same caring qualities in common. They have patience and understanding, tolerance and compassion, and accept when I tell them I’m having an episode and can’t really participate in whatever is going on.

They allow me to talk about my PMDD openly, and even though they don’t understand it, and can not imagine what I am going through, they accept that I am going through something that is extremely painful, upsetting, and draining for me.

They don’t try to talk me out of it, tell me to get over it, tell me I’m being a witch or boring or no fun, or tell me to “smile,” “relax,” or “just cheer up.”

They let me be quiet when I need to be quiet, and understand if I say things that don’t quite make sense.

On my part, I feel it’s up to me not to snap at or lash out at these friends, and so I take full responsibility for that. If I slip, I apologize immediately, and explain that I am having a PMDD day.

Remember, your PMDD is an explanation, but never an excuse.

In this way I have created a circle of friends who might not understand fully what PMDD is about, but respect and understand that I know what’s going on, and if I say I’m having a bad day, then they accept that I am having a bad day, and don’t expect or ask for more than I am willing to give.

Sometimes I don’t feel like going out or meeting anyone at all. Sometimes I will go to whatever it is, a meeting, a dinner, a lunch, or church, and just sit there and be quiet. Sometimes I will openly talk about what I am feeling inside, and how it completely goes against the reality of my life. (Or how my inner thoughts reflect the opposite of what is going on in my life, and how that doesn't make any sense at all.)

My life is pretty darn good. I have been abundantly blessed in ways tangible and intangible. I have a supportive family, caring and understanding friends, a warm and comfortable home, work that fulfills me, and a son who has been well-trained to deal with a woman’s hormonal moods--while at the same time accepting no disrespect from me or any other woman because of those moods.

I didn’t always have these things. I’ve been working at it for ten years, slowly pruning away what needed to go, and moving into the forefront of my life what needed to stay for me to live the kind of life I want to live—calm, creative, fulfilling, and productive.

I lost touch with some friends along the way. But as I began to better understand myself, I gained new, more accepting and understanding friends.

Studies show that if you hang around certain kinds of people, you will become more like them. If you surround/align yourself with hard workers, you’ll work harder; if you surround yourself with positive people, you’ll be more positive; if you hang around with those who take an active part in maintaining their health and well-being, you’ll be more active and healthier overall; if you keep company with goal-oriented people, you’ll attain a few goals, yourself.

In general, if you hang around successful people, you’ll be more successful.

The flip side of that works just as well: if you surround yourself with complainers, you’ll complain more; if you surround yourself with people who like to overindulge in food, drink, toxic environments or substances, whatever; you’ll do more of the same. If you hang with people who do things you know are detrimental to your health and well-being, you’ll do more than you may personally want to, just to fit in.

So choose the people you want to be with carefully. If you want to be well, then make friends with those who are also trying to be well. If you want to complain, then make friends with those who complain. Either way, you will have friends…

But which friends are more likely to help you make progress toward successfully managing your PMDD?

Think about it, and then adjust your life accordingly. Listen to your body, notice how you feel before, during, or after you’re around certain people. Some people can get you churned up just thinking about being around them. Take time to notice who these people are in your life. Don’t just go through life on auto-pilot, accepting whatever comes your way. That’s probably what got you where you are today, and why you’re reading this post.

So slow down, come to know yourself, make friends with yourself, and then choose the rest of your friends wisely. One small step at a time.

Until you have the life you really want.

Relationships - How To Be A Friend To Yourself

2010-12-15T06:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I’ve said that Relationships Begin With You, and to love or be a friend to others, you first need to love or be a friend to yourself. What exactly does that mean? I mean, if somebody told me I need to be a better friend to myself, I’d probably get annoyed. What are you talking about, be a better friend to myself? I treat myself just fine, thank you. Give me some real advice, why don’t you? Don’t just spout platitudes like you’ve got it all covered, and I don’t.

So I started thinking about it. What does that even look like, being a friend to myself? How does one go about doing such a thing? The first answer I came up with was: Easy to say, hard to do. And why is it so hard? Because it requires thought. And most of us barely have time to think anymore, especially at this time of year. We live in a world of instant this, instant that, where technology has sped our lives up so much that half the time we don’t know whether we’re coming or going. All we know is we’re racing here and there, trying to get everything done that we think needs doing in December.

But we’re not really thinking, are we? We’re just doing. We’re doing all the things we’ve been conditioned to do since the cradle. We’ve accepted that this is how it is, this is how it’s got to be, and the last thing we have time for is to think about being good to ourselves. That, we leave up to the others in our circle, be it friends, family, or co-workers.

Wrong approach. Because everyone else is just as busy as you are, and people are only going to treat you with the same amount of care and respect that you give yourself. So to be good to yourself, the very first thing you have to do is SLOW DOWN. This goes against the grain, I know. If you’re a list-maker, you’ve probably got a list that has at least 50 things on it you need to do between now and the end of the year. You don’t have time to stop and think. Maybe come January you will, maybe not. Maybe by then you’ll have a whole new list to work off—that list containing your New Year’s Resolutions that somehow you never get around to following completely through on.

And why is this? Because while our intentions are good, most of us don’t stop and think about how to make those intentions a reality.

Awareness is the key—to success in all things, including being good to yourself.

You can start by asking yourself one simple question: What is the best thing for me to be doing right now? Right now is the critical part of the question. What is the best thing for me to be doing for my health and well-being right now? Is it making a healthy breakfast? Reading a daily meditation? Driving a parent to a doctor’s appointment? Cleaning the bathroom?

That’s a valid answer, because there are some of us who don’t feel right or settled unless the environment around us is clean and orderly. Others don’t care, so the answer would be different for them. And that’s okay. But try this for a week. Several times a day, stop and ask yourself, what is the best way to spend my time right now? What is the most important thing I need to take care of right now?

Don’t just run through your days like a mouse in a maze. Take the time to become consciously aware of what you are doing, and why you are doing it, each and every minute—or for as many minutes as you can hold the thought, while racing from commitment to commitment, or obligation to obligation.

Maybe it’s work. You need to get paid. Then be aware that you’re going to work, in order to get paid, so that you can provide your family with food, shelter, clothing, or luxuries. Are you going to work for a bigger TV, a fancier cell phone, or a new stove? Are you going to work for an island vacation, a school tuition bill, or new braces? Why are you doing what you’re doing, and is it the right reason and the best use of your time?

If not, then notice the gap between where you are and where you want to be, and think about what you can do to close that gap.

What about our so-called free time? Say you’re at home. What is the best way you can be using your time right now? Is it changing the sheets, helping a child with homework, paying bills, or do you just need a little time out? Time out to read a book, play with the kids, call your mother, or maybe make a cup of tea and sit down long enough to catch your breath, then jump back onto the treadmill of your life.

If you never ask yourself this question, you’ll never answer it. And if you take the time to answer it, you will more than likely be surprised by the answer.

The interesting thing is once you start asking yourself this question of what is the best thing I could be doing with my time right now, your priorities will start to fall in line, and you’ll start coming closer to where you want to be, to being the person you want to be.

I compare it to choosing a house. Many of us move into houses that are already built, and then work with what we have. But what if you had the opportunity to create your own house, to design it to have everything you ever wanted in a home? Fifteen years ago, I couldn’t have even envisioned the idea. I thought I had no opinions on such things. The question never arose, so I never considered it.

But then I had the opportunity to design my own house from scratch, and I found out I had very definite opinions on what I wanted. It was easier than I ever would have thought, to go into a store and pick out tile and countertops and flooring and lights and fixtures.

But nobody had ever asked me before, what I liked or didn’t like about my house, and so I never considered it. I just worked with or around what I had.

The same can be said of your life. What do you like or not like about it? What would you change if you could? What would you design differently if you could start from scratch? Then why don’t you? Start now. Start where you are. Start by taking a moment here and there to think about what you are doing right now, in this moment, and why. Then choose what you want to be doing next, and move in that direction. Eventually, you’ll find out you have very distinct opinions on what you like and don’t like, and how you do and don’t like to spend your time, who you do and don’t like to be around, what you do and don’t like to eat, what gives you energy and life, and what drains you of both.

But to do that, you have to start taking the time out to ask yourself one simple question: What is the most important thing I could be doing for myself right now?

Is it taking a few deep breaths, is it eating an orange, is it dropping a casserole off for a sick friend, or running an errand for a family member? It doesn’t have to be all about you. But it does have to be about what makes you feel good inside, because when you feel good inside, then you’re being a good friend to yourself.

Right now I need to get this blog post done. Why? Because it’s Wednesday morning and people will be stopping by the blog, expecting something new to be there. But at the same time, my cat has jumped onto my lap, looking for some love. Do I get annoyed and throw her off, because I have something else to do, or do I stop what I am doing to pet her and coo at her and give her what she came looking for?

I stop. I slow down long enough to feel the softness of her fur, appreciate the way she pushes her head into my hands, and listen to the contented rumble of her purr. I smile and use both hands, cuddling and stroking her until she relaxes and settles in my lap, happy just to be with me. She knew what she wanted, what she needed, and she came looking for it. It took maybe all of two minutes. She’s happy, and I’m happy, and we can both get on with our day. She, snoozing on my lap, and me, continuing to type.

What would have been served by throwing her off, by telling her I was too busy to deal with her right now? I learn a lot from my cats. When they’re hungry they eat, when they’re sleepy, they sleep. They don’t worry about what’s coming up next. They live in the moment, and are fully present to whatever is around them, be it a sunbeam on the carpet, the sound of the can opener, or somebody at the door.

We need to slow down like that. We need to be fully present in the moment. When we’re folding laundry or doing dishes, that’s what we need to be doing. Nothing more, and nothing less. We need to take the time to let our thoughts roam free, not use that time to make more lists in our head or angst about things already over and done with, or what we’re going to be doing twenty minutes from now. In twenty minutes, we’ll deal with whatever is happening then.

When we’re driving, we need to be driving, and not doing anything else. When we’re at the store, we need to be shopping, and nothing else. When we’re talking to another person, we need to be doing that, and nothing else. When we’re praying, we need to be praying. The same goes for having a meal, so that we can stop and think about what we are putting into our bodies. Is it something that is good for us, or not? Or are we just wolfing down fast food while we chauffeur the kids to wherever it is they have to go and talking on the phone in between bites?

Tell me. How is that being good to yourself?

Relationships - Learning to Treat Yourself Like a Friend

2010-12-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

So last week I said Relationships Begin With You, and that is true. The most important thing of all for a PMDD woman is to have a good relationship with yourself. Obviously I have a good relationship with myself, or I wouldn’t be here, boldly putting myself out there for all the world to read about. I like myself, I enjoy my own company. I’ve learned how to listen to myself, in good times and bad.

One of the best things I’ve learned along the way was that “What you think of me is none of my business.” It’s what I think of me that matters, and as long as I am happy with me, as long as I like and respect myself, that’s what counts.

Surprisingly, adopting this belief didn’t turn me into some self-centered egomaniac. I think that was always my greatest fear…if I put myself first, won't I turn into some kind of monster who doesn’t care about anyone else? Then everybody will really hate me. (Because we all know that PMDD women regularly think everybody hates us.)

I think that’s why I put it off for so long. As women, we’re raised and socialized to put everybody else first. Love means doing for others. It’s how we get love, how we show love, how we determine our worth in the world.

Or at least that’s what we’re raised to believe. But the Bible says to love your neighbor as yourself. Here is a link to an excellent blog post on the subject, one that includes eight specific quotes from the Bible that say to love your neighbor as yourself. I am a woman of faith, but my purpose here is not to preach, so I’ll leave that to others....

But to me, to love my neighbor as myself means to love others as much as I love myself.

Not more, not less.

So to do that, I have to love myself first.

Loving yourself is hard when you’re a PMDD woman. You do and say things you regret all the time. We’re conditioned to beat ourselves up when we make mistakes. I’m not sure why this is, because it makes for a lot of miserable people in the world, but the bottom line truth is everybody makes mistakes, not just women with PMDD.

Think about all that energy wasted in beating ourselves up. Think about all the good and positive things we could be doing with our time and energy instead. Think about how much happier your life would be if you simply acknowledged your mistakes, did what you could to make amends, accepted that you'd done your best with the information you had at the time, and then got on with your life.

Just think about it for a minute. Can you imagine how different your life would be?

So the first step to loving yourself, is to accept yourself as you are, right here and now. Are you in the middle of a bad episode, or are you doing well today? Is your day just so-so? That’s fine, too. Start right where you are. If you’re having a bad day, what can you do right now to make your day a little better? Take a nap? Call a friend? Eat some chocolate? Read a book? Watch a movie? Make a cup of tea and just sit there feeling miserable for a while? Then go ahead and DO it.

Nobody says you have to be happy all the time. There is nobody on this planet who is happy all the time. And there’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a little down time, a little pampering, to help you get back on your feet again.

I have a real dislike for taking drugs. Any kind of drug. I’m all about natural health and healing. I’m especially against the unnecessary use of pain pills and anti-depressants. But a friend once explained it to me this way: When you’re in constant pain, when your body has gone haywire and is sending an uninterrupted stream of “I hurt” and “I feel miserable” signals to your brain, then what is the harm in taking an occasional pill to chemically interrupt that endless loop of biochemical messages running through your body? What's wrong with giving your body a little period of pain-free space to figuratively take a deep breath and have a chance to recover itself from that endless stream of pain messages circulating through your system?

Along those same lines, if your pain is mental, as well as physical, then what is the harm in briefly taking an anti-depressant to stop the endless loop of negative thoughts running through your brain? Just long enough to get you back on your feet again.

In the case of a PMDD woman, certain anti-depressants have been clinically proven to provide relief within hours in 60% of the women who take them during an episode of PMDD. But you only need to take them while you’re having an episode. (That’s the part the drug companies don’t tell you.) For some reason, even though anti-depressants usually take several weeks to kick in for the truly depressed, these same anti-depressants can act quickly in the case of a woman simply having an episode of PMDD (although there’s nothing simple about an episode of PMDD).

So, in the case of chronic physical pain, taking a pain pill can give you small break in your constant misery. Just enough time for you to catch your breath and remember what it feels like to feel good again, and marshal your resources for the next wave of pain.

In the case of mental pain, if you’re one of the 60%, a SSRI anti-depressant can give you a quick break from that endless loop of negative thoughts in your head.

In the case of emotional pain, talking to someone, or pampering yourself in some way—listening to music, stroking a pet, reading a book, taking a walk, making a cup of tea—can give you that same little space between the endless loop of emotional pain you are feeling.

Spiritual pain—read a book, watch a program, listen to a tape, or go to a place of worship and spend some time in silent contemplation. Just you and your maker. Quiet time with the spirit that lives inside you.

That’s what’s known as being good to yourself. Whichever of these areas is calling out to you the loudest, start there. Baby steps. Take time out to get a handle on your pain, be it physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. If you don’t do it, nobody’s going to do it for you.

Because you’re the only person who knows what is going on inside you. You’re the only person who knows just how hard it is to be you.

Especially on the days when you are not feeling like you.

So loving yourself comes from taking care of yourself. From listening to yourself and attending to your own needs. The more you do this, surprisingly enough, the less selfish you will become, because along the way, you manage to develop empathy, and realize you’re not as alone in your pain as you thought you were.

That’s when friends come in, and that’s what I’ll talk about next week. Finding supportive friends, being it on line or in your own neighborhood.

Until then, be blessed, and find just one way each day to be good to yourself. You’d do it for a friend or loved one. Why not for yourself?

Relationships Begin With You

2010-12-02T10:02:00.000-08:00

I’ve been getting a lot of requests for information on relationships, so with the holiday season upon us, I’d like to start writing about that subject today.

Relationships are hard, no matter who you are, or what your situation might be. Relationships for a PMDD woman can be almost impossible to sustain, because, due to our hormonal fluctuations, we’re literally a different woman every day. We feel differently, think differently, and act differently every single day.

There’s an old joke that goes like this: A woman marries a man thinking he will change. A man marries a woman thinking she won’t change.

Unfortunately, both end up being disappointed.

Change is inevitable. That’s our only guarantee in life, short of death and taxes. Life comes and goes in cycles, and nothing stays the same. You will change, I will change, your family and/or partner will change, your circumstances and situations will change. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and otherwise. Accept that now, and you’ll be a lot further ahead of the game than most of us.

Why? Because nobody likes change, even when it’s a change for the better. Change takes work, whether it’s a change we embrace, or a change we resist. We like to be comfortable in our surroundings and relationships. We like knowing what we’re in for, how our day will go, what we’re up against, what to expect. A certain stability gives us a good foundation for dealing with all the surprises Life throws our way, be they blessings or challenges.

A PMDD woman, just like anyone else, likes to have stability in her life. Unfortunately, that’s not a luxury we can rely on, given the tumultuous ups and downs caused by our menstrual cycles. And what affect us, affects the people around us—in particular the people closest to us. Our friends, relatives, and significant others. It takes an incredible amount of inner strength to be the kind of people we want to be, when our brains just won’t work right. Even the most patient and loving person loses it at times—think of Jesus in the temple, ranting at the moneychangers.

So how can you expect yourself to be any better, or different? How can you have the kind of relationships you want?

The first step is awareness. First you have to realize and accept that your PMDD is a part of you, and isn’t going to go away, not without making some serious changes in your life. The more awareness you have, the better it gets, but it never really goes away. You have to stay vigilant, and when you slip, as we all inevitably do, there’s a very good chance our symptoms will return.

So how do you gain this awareness? By taking the time to listen to your body and be good to yourself. Your first, and most important relationship, needs to be the relationship you have with yourself. You’ve got to take care of you, before you can take care of anyone else. You’ve got to love yourself, before you can truly love someone else, no matter who that someone else might be.

Most PMDD women spend a great deal of time hating ourselves. Beating ourselves up, for things over which we have no control—in particular our thoughts and moods, which then affect our words and actions. I don’t need to tell you how the cycle goes. You’ve already been there, done that, at least once a month for as long as you’ve had PMDD.

So the first thing you have to do, no matter how awful may think you are, or might have been to yourself in others in the past, is to stop beating yourself up. Just stop it. Right here. Right now. Stop it. You are who you are, and that’s where you start. Don’t be dragging all that baggage from past PMDD episodes along with you. Let go of it and start anew. Today is a new day, and today you are going to be good to yourself, if only for a few minutes.

Because change is hard, and works the best if you do it in baby steps. Not many of us can suddenly start shoving everyone else aside to carve out time to be good to ourselves. We have commitments and responsibilities, and if we’re very lucky, people who depend on us for some measure of support, comfort, and stability.

But we also have a commitment and responsibility to ourselves, to be as good to ourselves as we can possibly be. That doesn’t mean chucking it all and hopping the next plane or cruise ship to some exotic destination, as tempting as that sounds. It just means take a few minutes, either at the beginning or the end of your day—or even in the middle, if you miraculously find yourself alone for a few minutes with nobody around you wanting or needing something from you—and remember what it is that makes you happy.

The choices are as limitless as the number of people reading this. Each one of us has at least one thing in this world that makes us truly happy, probably a couple dozen such things if we really take the time to think about it, but for now, just start with one. What is it that makes you happy?

Now what do you need to do or change to make that situation happen? How far are you right now from making that happen? What do you need to do right now to get there? Is it something you do, or something you want to do for someone else? Is it some way of being? If it’s something you do, then what do you need right now to do it? Do you need ingredients? Supplies? Or do you just need to pick up the phone and call someone? Send them a letter or card? Get in the car and go and see them? Or do you just need to cross the room?

Figure out what it is you need, then figure out a time when you can do it. If you’re not doing anything right now, then get started. Make a list if you want to. Write it down. Then put it somewhere you’ll see it often. Go to the store if you have to, to get those supplies or ingredients. If you’re not feeling up to doing that, then work with what you have right around you. Do you like to doodle? Read? Pray? Listen to music? Take a bath or long, hot shower? Talk to friends? Cook? Sing? Dance? Sew? Garden? Take walks? Maybe playing with your children brings you joy. Or spending time with a pet. Spending time with your significant other. Not everybody recharges best when they are alone.

The bottom line is whatever it is that makes you happy, find a way to do it. Nobody should deny you the time and space you need to soothe your spirit and settle yourself. If they try, be gentle but firm. Say I’m doing this for me, so that I can be a better mother, spouse, partner, sibling, daughter to you. Be the change you want to see in the world, and your world will change around you.

But don’t expect it to happen overnight. Part of the problem is we live in a world of quick fixes and instant gratification. People have come to expect things to be easy, to right themselves with the swipe of a credit card, the popping of a pill, the immediacy of a text message. With PMDD, it doesn’t work that way. With PMDD, you have to work doubly hard to be the change you want to see in the world, because not only are you bumping up against the rest of the world, who most of the time is bumping back (to say the least), half the time you’re fighting yourself.

But it’s not really yourself you’re fighting. It’s your PMDD. I don’t want to be like this, you say. Then don’t. Stop fighting your PMDD. Accept it and roll with it. Start where you are, and start being good to yourself, by eating right, getting enough rest, taking the time you need to calm and settle yourself, then listening to your body and giving it what it needs, and listening to your heart and doing the same.

As your relationship with yourself improves, little by little, your relationships with others will improve, and your PMDD won’t be running (or ruining) your life anymore. Eventually, it will end up being nothing more than a bad memory.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T06:16:00.000-08:00

All is well, taking a break for the holiday. I invite you to browse and catch up on blog posts you might have missed, and be sure to come back next week for more posts on PMDD.

Happy Thanksgiving!

How Carbon Monoxide Poisoning Can Mimic PMDD

2010-11-10T07:11:00.000-08:00

You know I’ve written about how PMDD can be (and has been) confused with several other conditions, like thyroid problems, insulin resistance, anemia, or even bi-polar disorder--which is just one part of why PMDD is so hard to diagnose--but last week I got an unwelcome surprise when I encountered yet another condition that mimics PMDD…

Carbon monoxide poisoning.

That’s right, the silent killer that’s the leading cause of accidental deaths in America. You can’t see it, smell it, or taste it, but the Centers for Disease Control estimates that more than 400 Americans die from unintentional CO poisoning, more than 20,000 visit the emergency room, and more than 4,000 are hospitalized annually due to carbon monoxide poisoning. Fatality is highest among Americans 65 and older.

On Saturday, I joined the ranks of those ER visit statistics. I started feeling badly on Wednesday. I work at home, in a relatively new house that is extremely air-tight and energy-efficient (something I’ve been rather thrilled with to date, as it keeps my heating and electric bills low.). I do a lot of work at my dining room table, which is less than ten feet away from my kitchen stove.

Little did I know I had a gas leak at the stove. All I knew was I was having an enormously hard time concentrating on my work that afternoon. I couldn’t think straight, and had absolutely no motivation to work. Thinking it was my PMDD kicking in, I ate some carbs...then ate some more. I took some 5-HTP...then took some more. No dice. All I wanted to do was take a nap. The thought of going for a walk kept entering my mind, but my body and mood simply wouldn’t cooperate, and I just couldn’t muster the energy to put on my sneakers and coat and go outside.

That evening I opened the windows for another reason, and inadvertently resolved the problem. Thursday and Friday I went out of town and felt fine, which lead me to believe I’d simply had a fleeting episode of PMDD. I returned home Friday night, and within an hour again felt tired and listless, with no desire to do much of anything besides sleep. Again thinking my serotonin level was down and I needed some carbs, I went out and got a pizza for dinner.

The expected boost in energy and clarity of mind didn’t happen. Instead I got more and more tired, until I just couldn’t stay awake any more. Plus I started to feel nauseous, and wondered if I’d gotten a bad pizza.

Nothing to do for an unrelenting case of PMDD but go to bed, right? So that’s what I did. The following morning, I overslept by two hours. When I went to make my morning tea, I was shocked that the clock said 8:00 a.m. instead of 6:00. What was wrong with me? I’d gone to bed at my regular time, and slept an extra two hours. Why was I so tired? Why did my head hurt and my joints ache so badly? And why the hell couldn’t I think straight?

I checked my PMDD calendar. The timing didn’t seem right, but since I’m in perimenopause nothing comes on schedule any more, so that didn’t help much.

Okay, time to start my day. After being gone for two days, I had a lot of work to catch up on.
But I just…couldn’t…get…started. Couldn’t even figure out the first thing to do. I thought of some errands I needed to run, but had absolutely no desire to get going, to move in any way.

Finally, I simply stood in my kitchen and went inside myself, trying to figure out what was wrong. What was different about this episode of PMDD and why none of my usual tricks to boost my serotonin level and mood were working.

All I knew was everything ached, and I felt miserable---like when I’ve been exposed to too many chemicals or fragrances. Chemical sensitivities and heightened allergies are a symptom of PMDD as well. My insides swell up and the pain caused by the pressure on the meridian nerves in my arms can reduce me to tears.

It felt like that. It felt like I was being poisoned.

I got the idea to call the gas company, and have them come and check things out. So I found the number and called---and they called 911. Next thing I know, I’m being told to get out of the house and wait for emergency services. The gas company, fire department, and an ambulance arrived within minutes.

It seems I had not one, but two leaks. One from the stove, and one from the boiler in the garage. Both were putting out carbon monoxide and my wonderfully energy-efficent house was not allowing the air to properly circulate.

I declined a trip to the emergency room via ambulance, but got a friend to drive me to the ER to be checked out. Fortunately, my levels were not dangerously high, but my symptoms were quite evident. They included:

Headache
Dizziness
Nausea
Flu-like symptoms, fatigue
Impaired judgment
Confusion
Depression
Agitation
Drowsiness
Memory problems

All of which can also be experienced by a woman having an episode of PMDD.

I credit the fact that I’m still alive to two things—my awareness of my body, due to my constant attempts to keep my hormones balanced, and to my Qigong classes, which include deep breathing, and therefore keep a strong, steady supply of oxygen circulating through my system.

Which only goes to underscore my belief that a woman with PMDD needs to take better care of herself than most. While every woman could benefit from relaxation techniques, quiet time, good nutrition, and exercise…women with PMDD are more sensitive than most to just about any life event, environmental toxin, or ingested food, drink, or substance that can stress the body, so we need to be extra vigilant about our health and well-being.

That said, as a public awareness announcement, here are some sources of carbon monoxide you need to be especially careful around:

Gas water heaters
Kerosene space heaters
Charcoal grills
Propane heaters and stoves
Gasoline and diesel powered generators
Cigarette smoke
Propane-fueled forklifts
Gasoline powered concrete saws
Indoor tractor pulls
Any boat with an engine
Spray paint, solvents, degreasers, and paint removers

Take care and be well. Be especially vigilant when the cold weather comes, and if you don't have them already (I didn't, but do now), get yourself a carbon monoxide detector or two.

And the next time you're having an episode of PMDD that just won't quit--try looking at your external environment for a possible cause.

Women and Insanity - Moving into the 1900s

2010-11-03T05:24:00.000-07:00

Today I thought I’d continue my thoughts on Women and Insanity. Recently I watched the movie, The Changeling, starring Angelina Jolie. I didn’t know what it was about, just that it was Angelina Jolie and she had a missing child. What I discovered was this was a true story, a story about the disappearance of Walter Collins in 1928.

Now, women in 1928 had precious little rights, and especially single mothers like Mrs. Collins, who supported herself and her son by working at the telephone company. Until her son disappeared, she was a quiet, unassuming, hard-working single mom who adored her son and was just trying to make a good life and home for them to the best of her ability in the times she lived in. She got called in to work on a Saturday when she had planned to take her son to the movies, and (although this wasn’t made clear in the movie) instead sent him to the movies alone. He never returned.

Mrs. Collins spent five frantic months looking for her son, and the Los Angeles police department, who at the time was already under fire, was looking even worse. So they concocted this scheme where another young boy would pretend to be her son, and they could announce that the case was closed. The only problem was that Mrs. Collins knew immediately that the boy was not her son, and protested. Because by closing the case, that meant the police would stop looking for her real son. So she became a mother on a mission, desperate to find her child.

Meanwhile, the police tried to tell her she didn’t know her own son, and why couldn’t she be happy with the one she had? They tried to make her out as a loose woman, having had five months to party and live it up while he was gone, and now that he was back, she wanted to deny her son and shirk her responsibilities toward him. She finally became so outspoken that the chief of police had her committed to an insane asylum until she signed a paper that said the boy was her son and she had been mistaken. She refused.

Call me naïve, but I was shocked that this could happen less than 100 years ago. I mean, my initial post about women and insanity had to do with pioneer women in the 1800s. You’d think things would have improved in a century or so. But apparently not. I also found this, from a college paper on women and mental illness.

It states: "Mental illness during the Victorian era revolved around the empowerment of men. Hysteria fuelled from a fear of intellectual women. Women were denied tasks such as reading or social interaction due to a fear of becoming a hysteric. (Remember, hystera is the Greek word for uterus.) Women were further forced into the stereotypical passive housewife role. Anorexia was an attempt to fit the male standard of beauty. These women refused food in order to appear "feminine" and become a frail ornament for their husbands to show off. They also furthered the idea of the passive housewife, lacking personality or emotion. Those who took a stand for their beliefs or exercised a sexual emotion were deemed insane as they rejected the feminine ideal. Such women were forced into asylums to keep others in line; they were sacrificed to show that those who spoke up would be punished. Thus, the rest of the women remained silent. And finally, spinsters and lesbians were a major threat to male domination. These women preferred life without sexual interaction with men. They rejected the social norms of woman as passive, emotionless accessories and instead embraced personal choice. They too were deemed insane and subject to male-induced public criticism to try and reform them as well as fuel the idea that this sort of behavior was not acceptable."

So poor Mrs. Collins never had a chance. Fortunately, however, there were enough people in the community who would stand up for her, and went looking for her (as she was whisked out the back door of the police station and off to the mental institution in the dead of night) and found her and got her released. She then was able to get released all the women in the institution classified as Code 12, which turned out to be a euphemism for someone the police wanted to get rid of.

A book on the subject I would recommend is Women of the Asylum: Voices from Behind the Walls, 1840-1945 (Paperback)

Here’s a snippet of what one reviewer had to say about it:"This book is an interesting compilation of personal accounts of women who were imprisoned in asylums for various reasons, usually at the request of a relative. It seems throughout most of this time period, all it took to get a person imprisoned in an asylum was a statement from the doctor that the person was insane. Consequently, if a woman angered a man in her family, he could have her imprisoned by pointing out that she was not performing her duties as a woman around the house and for the community, such as at church…often, individual thinking landed a woman in the insane asylum.

"One of the women questioned the doctrine of her church; thus, was imprisoned for religious problems. This same woman wrote a very articulate account of her treatment and the treatment of other women in the hospital, which made me wonder exactly what it was that they saw wrong with her views on the church. The only conclusion I could draw was that it had to be her individuality that brought her into the asylum.

"The most striking thing about this book is to look now onto what these women went through, and consider these were absolutely normal occurrences at the time…While these stories explain the reasons women landed in the asylums, they also told of the treatment of them and the other inmates. These stories are clear, but the authors/editors also explain what types of treatments were used at different times and how these all tied in with how the patients actually responded. While you can see their legal rights starting to improve towards the end of the time studied here, there is a definite slip in the treatment and attitude towards the inmates as these hospitals grew in size…"

The bottom line, I think, is that the times dictate what is crazy and what isn’t, and I have to wonder why it is that no matter where you look, even today, women seem to fall on the wrong side of crazy every time.

Take care of yourself, be blessed, and know you're not crazy.

Women Died for the Right to Vote -- Exercise Yours!

2010-11-02T04:55:00.000-07:00

Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity. ~Quoted by a male doctor who examined women's suffragist Alice Paul when the government wanted her to be seen as suicidal for her hunger strike in an effort to gain women the right to vote.

If you don't do anything else today, make sure you GET OUT AND VOTE!

Women and Insanity -- Pioneers with PMDD?

2010-10-31T04:53:00.000-07:00

A little something extra today in honor of Halloween. PMDD is not a new condition. It's been around in one form or another since at least the time of Hippocrates. Back then it, and just about any other condition relating to women's hormones, was called hysteria, hystera being the Greek name for uterus.

This is why anyone with a uterus is considered hysterical at times, and why they call the removal of your uterus a hysterectomy.

But I digress. PMDD is not, as some believe, a disorder made up by the drug companies to sell more drugs. It's a condition happily exploited by drug and supplement companies, to be sure, and even some doctors (more on this in a future post), but it's far from a made up condition. You know it, and I know it, and anyone who has ever lived with a woman who has PMDD knows it.

That doesn't mean we're not accountable for our actions. PMDD is an explanation--not an excuse, or free pass--for bad behavior. We owe it to ourselves to understand the condition (and therefore ourselves) as fully as we can, and to then promote a positive awareness of PMDD everywhere we go. It's only by focusing on the positive--what works, what helps, what provides solid help and answers--and not the negative--the fear, the stereotyping, the ridicule--that we will get mainstream medicine to pay any genuine attention to PMDD and other women's health issues.

That said, today I thought I'd offer up a special post on women and insanity, to let us know where we might have ended up, had we been born in another time.

Please welcome my guest blogger, Wild Rose Press author Loretta Rogers.

Because divorce was a rarity during the pioneer/frontier days, men devised other ways to get rid of unwanted wives and children, and that was by declaring them insane and placing this unwanted loved one in an insane asylum. Actually these early asylums were in reality prisons and not medical centers. These institutions were filthy, dark places where people were treated more like animals than human beings. The asylums usually provided only the basic necessities of life. Food was poor, cleanliness was not stressed and the rooms were often very cold. Diseases were quick to spread throughout the asylum.

Some of the reasons women were institutionalized are unbelievable. In the early 1800’s wives and daughters were often committed for not being obedient enough to their husbands or fathers. You’ve heard the term, “children are to be seen and not heard.” This applied to wives as well. If a woman spoke out and went against the “norm” she could be committed.

With no birth control, it wasn’t unusual for a woman to give birth to another baby while still nursing her last child. And a brood of six to twelve children wasn’t unusual either. With her body no longer firm and supple, her energy level somewhere between zero and double zero, and with the daily routine of cooking, cleaning, plowing, and all the other demands, a woman was run ragged. It’s no wonder she grew old long before her time.

All the husband and/or father had to do was simply write the word “lunacy” on the admission form. Lunacy was an acceptable reason for divorce. The woman’s husband would declare her insane, put her in the asylum and then file for the divorce. A few months later, his marriage records to a younger bride usually showed up.

Other reasons to be “put away”, were depression, alcoholism, just being a little different from the norm, and even going through menopause. Doctors just didn’t know how to deal with mental issues and the result was to put their patients in the asylum. These women were locked up and forgotten by their loved ones. The fathers/husbands often forbid the family members to visit. It was as if the wife or daughter had simply died. Most of these women did stay at the insane asylum until their death.

If a father had no sons, but didn’t want his daughter to inherit his fortune or worldly goods, he could have her declared insane, institutionalized, and leave his money to a favorite nephew or his ranch to a ranch hand he considered as a son. If a man’s wife had died in child birth and he couldn’t find a woman to wed who was willing to become a stepmother to his large brood, or if he couldn’t marry off any of his eligible daughters, he simply declared them as lunatics and placed them in an asylum. Sometimes daughters were committed for unwanted pregnancies. Other children were committed for being disobedient or for illnesses such as Down’s Syndrome or Autism. Being born deaf or mute, retarded or physically disfigured was another reason a child might be committed.

Oftentimes, the husband might tell others that his wife or child had died. If a newspaper office was available, he might even have an obituary printed. Yet the person was very much alive at the asylum. While it was rare for a sane person to be released from an asylum, it did happen. Imagine what it was like for this woman. Having been declared dead, she had no identity.

Some of these asylums were built next to, or part of, the prison system. This was to help cut back costs of care, food and facilities. Rape was prevalent in asylums. Because women had been declared insane, it was deemed they had no powers of reasoning, no feelings or emotions. In other words, they were considered walking zombies. Because of this deranged thinking, (no pun intended) prisoners and even asylum employees used the women for their own pleasures.

If you are into genealogy and have run into a brick wall trying to locate a female relative, the US census has a place on some of their census, example 1850, that had a place to mark if deaf, dumb or insane. The probate section may carry Lunacy Record Books at the county courthouses. Some Wills will declare if someone is insane or having lunacy. If someone seems to have disappeared, they may have been “sent away.”

Therefore, when we refer to the ‘good old’ days, we might remember these women and their lives, and be thankful that they paved the way for us.

Loretta C. Rogers, Isabelle and the Outlaw.

A Perfect Storm of PMDD

2010-10-27T05:32:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, I’m one of those atypical types who has my PMDD served up in three different courses, which is one big reason it took me so long to get diagnosed. All the sites and information said specifically that for it to be PMDD, all symptoms must abate at the onset of menses, or when your period begins.

But mine never did. Mine came in three separate stages. Which I finally learned is possible as well. God knew I’d been living it long enough—but to see it actually mentioned in a book? Finally I could go to my doctor in confidence and get diagnosed.

I often compare my symptoms of PMDD to the course of a hurricane. Prior to the onset of my period is the building storm, the wind and the rain, with symptoms of irritability, edginess, an inexplicable, almost ravenous hunger, and cravings for salt and three specific foods---cheese, chocolate, and oranges. I have yet to figure out why, although occasionally I get glimmers of understanding and I am sure I will find the answer some day. But for now it’s enough to know that that’s what I crave, and when I find myself reaching for nothing but those three things, I know a storm is about to blow in.

On my pre-period days I also get jittery, clumsy, confused, and distracted, unable to focus on any one task for any length of time. My handwriting even changes. Usually, it’s comfortable, loose, flowing. When I’m having an episode of PMDD, it’s spiky, jerky, and messy. At times it looks like the handwriting of a much older woman. I’m always startled to see it come out that way, but not totally surprised, because as I’m writing, my hand doesn’t seem to work properly—which might also account for my tendency to drop things more than usual during those periods of time.

Anyway, the unfamiliar handwriting is generally one clue that something is happening in my brain. My typing is also affected. I have a friend who pointed out that I don’t bother to capitalize in my emails when I am having an episode of PMDD and I don’t do a lot of smiley faces. It’s as if to do either would take too much effort.

So in my case first comes the storm of irritability, anger, and rage. Snapping out at the drop of a hat. Lashing out at someone who didn’t say anything out of the ordinary, but just struck me as wrong. Feeling under attack and wanting to hit someone, anyone. Just give me a chance. Not a reason, but a chance. I call these my wanting to “drink, smoke, and be bad” days. Impulsive behavior does its best to take over, and I can fully understand in those days why some women go out and do completely irresponsible things they later regret. I’ve felt like doing so more times than I can count, and have complete empathy for those who give in to these bizarre urges. If I didn’t have a core of responsibility inside me that keeps me anchored in good times and bad, I would go out and do the same.

Usually the worst thing I ever did was go shopping and buy all sorts of things I didn’t need or never wore. If I were to look at my credit card statements for those time periods I’m sure I would see a pattern of spending that coincides with the pre-menstrual portion of my PMDD episodes. Fortunately, now I understand what is happening and stay home on those days instead of going shopping. Because inevitably the bill would come, and I would wonder why on earth I had done such a thing.

When I worked as an analyst for the government, on my pre-menstrual days I would suddenly notice that I hadn’t received a response on this project or the other, and would call up the parties in question and remind them I was waiting to hear from them. On any other day it wouldn’t have bothered me. People get busy, people go on vacation, people have priorities, people forget. In the overall scheme of things, my projects were never that vital. Most of the time, I was tolerant and flexible.

But on a PMDD day, everyone I came across was either incompetent or personally holding me back from untold success. I might not rant at them directly--after all, even on my worst days I knew you catch more flies with honey than vinegar--but I would complain to anyone else who would listen about how I seemed to be the only person around who could get things done and do them right. I had no tolerance for even the slightest delay or mistake. On those days, you didn’t want to mess with me.

Then my period would come and I’d be miserable in a new way for a couple of days. Cramps, backaches, and pain that sometimes radiated as far down as my knees, and made me feel like I wanted to throw up. Breathing hurt. I would lie very still, hot pack pressed to my lower abdomen, which felt like someone was slowly trying to pull my insides out with a three pronged gardening tool. Every single month. That, if you want to believe it, was the eye of the hurricane. The first two days of my period.

Then the sadness kicked in. On Day Three. Always on Day Three. If it was going to come, that would be the day. It didn’t always come, still doesn’t. Now I know it has to do with whether I release an egg or not that month. No egg, no sadness. Woo hoo! Party time.

Not quite. But at least it’s a lot more pleasant around here when the sadness doesn’t come. Because when it does, I’m tired all the time, my head feels like it has an iron band around it, I sigh incessantly, big, deep sighs like the weight of the world is on my shoulders—and for me, it is. Most everything looks hopeless, every good idea I had during the month goes to s***, I want to weep at every turn, you don’t dare tell me a joke or tease me, and I spend a lot of time wondering why I even bother.

During this phase of my PMDD, I used to beat myself up incessantly over the people I had snapped out at the week before. Now, at least, I don’t do that any more. I know I didn’t mean it, and in most cases it doesn’t get that far anymore, because I have a much deeper awareness of what is going on and can catch myself in counterproductive behavior.

Now, when I catch myself starting to snap out, I apologize and explain I am having a bad day. Most of my friends know what that means. If the person isn’t my friend, it’s okay to leave it at an apology without an explanation. By all means, if at all possible, never ruin a perfectly good apology with an explanation. You don’t need to justify yourself or your behavior. You just need to acknowledge it, apologize for it if the incident warrants an apology, and move on.

But back then, as I said, I would beat myself up incessantly. Which only intensified my sadness and made me feel like a totally worthless human being. My friends couldn’t possibly be my friends. They wouldn’t be my friends if they knew the real me. How would I ever find anybody to love me if I was so impossible to be around. Yada yada yada. You know how it goes.

The bottom line is the first part of my personal hurricane is the moody, bitchy, out of control part. Then would come the eye of pain and two days of solid pain but surprisingly clear thinking. Fortunately, now, as I begin to enter menopause, it’s just the clear thinking part, and a huge surge of positive energy. It’s a definite reprieve in the storm.

Then the sadness comes. The first D in PMDD. My depression. Or The Fog, as I call it. Back then it was devastating. How could anybody not hate me? Now I am able to separate myself from it and while it is still not pleasant, I know I am not my depression. I rest, relax, take it easy, spend time reading or listening to music or doing something quiet and non-demanding, secure in the knowledge that it will pass. I do what I can to help it pass sooner. I take walks, take naps, eat right and take supplements. I do not allow my negative thoughts to take over. In fact, I smile at them, knowing I know better. God does love me and so do the people in my life. My ideas are good ones and I am full of creativity. I am strong, capable, and competent. Just running a little slower than usual today. Just a tad off my stride. It will pass and I will be fine.

And I am.

One day The Fog lifts, and its back to the torrid pace of my life as usual—until the next wave of cravings and irritability hits.

Overcoming Your PMDD Starts With Being Good To Yourself

2010-10-20T06:17:00.000-07:00

I am a work in progress. One thing I have that a lot of people don’t have, or don’t make the time for, is self-awareness. I’ve been digging into this PMDD thing for so long that I’ve finally learned how to separate my real self from my PMDD self. How do I do this? I’m constantly checking in with myself to see how I am feeling, and trying to determine the reasons for why I am feeling the way I am—if it could possibly be my PMDD (based on where I am in my cycle) or if it’s something else.

In doing this, I’ve learned I’m super sensitive to just about everything I eat, drink, and breathe in. For instance, yesterday I went to get my hair cut. This morning I woke up with a sore throat and congested cough. Am I coming down with something? No. It’s a reaction to all the chemicals I inhaled while getting my hair cut. All I have to do is drink plenty of fluids today and I will be fine.

So I’m constantly weighing, measuring, sifting, adjusting. If I feel a little off, I ask myself—what’s new? What did I do differently today or yesterday? Where did I go that I don’t usually go? What did I eat or drink that I don’t usually eat or drink? What stresses did I encounter that I don’t usually encounter?

By constantly doing this, I’m able to detect patterns, and learn what (and who) to avoid. For instance, just going to church gets my sinuses flowing. I can smell the cloud of perfume ten feet away from the front door. The same thing can happen in restaurants, theatres, sporting or music events. This doesn’t mean I don’t go to those things. It just means I’m aware of what can happen, and if I feel a little funky afterwards, I know why.

I’m determined to live my life drug free. Because I feel this way, even taking two ibuprofen affects me as much as say, taking a narcotic painkiller would affect someone who isn’t used to it. Oddly enough, since the birth of my son--a major hormonal event--anything I take that is supposed to make me drowsy tends to have the opposite effect. I can’t take decongestants at all. Narcotics, like Tylenol with codeine, forget it. I’ll be up all night.

I’ve gotten so sensitive that even certain foods affect me strangely. It sounds crazy, I know, but what’s really happening is just a strong bio-chemical reaction that when processed in my brain affects my moods. So what is a natural physiological reaction to a substance, because of the imbalance in my hormones, manifests itself as a mood symptom. This can include irritability, weepiness, anxiety, lethargy, depression, or even euphoria.

I believe there are many women out there just like me. Women who perhaps aren’t blessed with the time and opportunities I have had to really sit down and be still long enough to try and figure out just what in the world is going on in their bodies and brains. We live in such busy times, running from one commitment to another, taking care of the loved ones in our lives, conditioned by our culture, society, and religious beliefs to serve others and place our own selves last.

This drastically affects our health and well-being, but since we are so busy all the time, we don’t have the time (or energy) to figure out what’s wrong, why we are feeling so out of kilter, maybe even miserable most of the time. And then our cycle kicks in, with our PMDD, and everything really goes haywire. We scream, we yell, we snap, and have wild mood swings. We lash out at loved ones and coworkers and store clerks and other drivers, and then, if we haven’t found a way or two to numb our conscience, we feel badly about our behavior and find ways to beat ourselves up and/or try to make amends if we can. We spend so much time trying to make it right with people, or beating ourselves up and engaging in even more destructive behavior, that we get even further run down and behind.

And then the cycle begins again. So we look for quick fixes, anything that will keep us in motion, fulfilling our commitments and obligations, keep us awake and moving long enough to get everything we need to get done in any given day done before we crash in front of the TV or into bed, exhausted, grateful that another day has ended and we have somehow survived.

It’s no way to live. So several years ago I made the effort to strip my life down to what’s important to me, and just focus on that. One of those things was my physical health and well-being. I figured if I could just take care of that—the rest of it would take care of itself.

Little did I know how difficult just doing that would be. It’s no wonder more people don’t take time out to do the same.

But I’m a persistent soul, and determined to figure this thing out. What I present here are things I have learned along the way. They might apply to you, they might not. Every woman is different, and due to her menstrual cycle, every woman is just a little bit different every day. That makes us mysterious and exciting, not bitchy and crazy. That makes us worth taking the time to get to know.

I’d like to take the time to get to know you, to hear your story, and find out what works and doesn’t work for you. I’d like to share those stories here and try to find common ground so that we can help each other to feel better if we can.

It can be done. It’s just that the information out there is so confusing and so conflicting. And we’re all so busy. It would be heaven if we could just Google PMDD and get the answers we need, find the quick fix, and get on with our lives.

But it doesn’t work that way. The first step, I have found, is to take the time to get to know yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Emotionally, because you have to know what emotions are being caused by your PMDD, and what emotions are normal and natural for you to be feeling. Contrary to popular belief, women are allowed to get upset, become irritated, annoyed, and angry. It doesn’t always have to be PMS or PMDD causing it, and we shouldn’t have to put up with snide comments about it being “that” time again, every time someone doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain and we express our disappointment in that.

It’s about accountability, and knowing yourself enough to know when it’s your fault, and when it’s not. I don’t know about you, but I’m not interested in taking the blame for things that aren’t of my doing. I make enough mistakes on my own, without that added burden, thank you.

That said, I’ve come to realize that PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse, for why I do the things I do when I’m having an episode, and I still need to be held accountable for those things, to take responsibility for myself and my actions, no matter how badly I may be feeling. It’s up to me, and me alone, to sort out what’s the real me, and what’s my PMDD, and keep the two as separate as I can. You know how you feel like you’re a totally different person when you’re having an episode. You know that’s not you. It takes a lot of strength, determination and willpower to separate the two, and the effort can be exhausting. But it can be done.

For example, the past few weeks I’ve been feeling just plain blah. No energy, no willpower, no motivation. I wondered if it was my PMDD, just come to roost for a while, but no, PMDD comes in cycles. This had to be something else. My thoughts were validated when my PMDD did arrive, and whew! It was like the difference between night and day. For just a couple of days, I sank into that abyss, and knew the difference. Clearly, on those other days, there was something missing in my diet that needed to be boosted…what that is I’m still sorting out, but I now know that lethargy is not my PMDD.

But I also know my PMDD is not me. And so I’ve learned to separate the two, and set the PMDD aside when it comes. I know it’s there, and it would very much like to take over and run (ruin) my day, but I won’t let it. I acknowledge that it’s present, and that I’m not crazy, and I warn my loved ones that I’m having a bad day and it has nothing to do with them, but it would be best to avoid me for a day or two.

With that in place, I go about my business, and get as much done as my energy level allows. If I need to take a nap, I do it. If I need some quiet time, I take it. If I need to eat some carbs…I do it. Guilt-free. That’s the key. Never feel guilty about taking time to care for yourself. Would you feel guilty about taking care of someone else? Then why don’t you deserve as much care and comfort as they do?

I listen to my body and give it what it needs, without giving in to the wild emotional swings that wait in the wings, and without giving any air time at all to the negative thoughts swirling in my brain. That’s just my PMDD talking, I tell myself, and I refuse to listen to it.

So the next time it happens to you, give it a shot. Just take a deep breath and refuse to give in. You are stronger than your PMDD, and it’s time you let your PMDD know it. You can channel your rage and anxiety and depression into strength and calm and control with simple awareness and practice. It won’t be easy, not at first. It’s a lot easier to just give in and go with the flow. But where has that gotten you?

Think about it, and you’ll know.

Any time you’re feeling out of control, just go to any number of PMDD sites and vent. We know. We care. We understand. We won’t take it personally. We’ll help you through it…because really, we know all you want to do is vent and be heard.

And then, maybe, while you’re visiting one of the message boards, or blogs, you’ll come across a bit of info that makes the next time a little easier to handle.

Baby steps, is all I can say. Be good to yourself, and things will get better. I promise.

Confusion City

2010-10-13T04:46:00.000-07:00

One of the main problems I am having/finding in researching PMDD is that every woman’s hormones fluctuate daily in concert with her menstrual cycle, so it’s hard to separate what’s caused by normal female hormonal fluctuations and what’s caused by PMS and PMDD. Remember, PMS and PMDD are not the same. PMDD is not PMS on steroids, although it sure feels like it when you’re having an episode.

There is a definite brain chemical component to PMDD that is not present in PMS. PMS mostly deals with physical symptoms (aches, pains, tenderness, cramps, bloating, etc.), with some minor mood fluctuations…a little irritability, a lack of energy or motivation, some weepiness, maybe more anxiety than usual.

PMDD ratchets these symptoms up a few hundred notches, to the point that these mood disturbances affect your ability to function and maintain stable relationships.

I’m finding that a lot of books and websites discuss the more mild symptoms of PMS, and then just transfer the same thoughts and theories to PMDD. A lot of these sources even call PMDD a more severe version of PMS. This is not true. They are two separate conditions that unfortunately have enough in common to confuse everybody. Since they are so similar, for years I thought I simply had PMS, and couldn’t figure out why--if more than 80% of all women experience some form of PMS—why couldn’t I cope like everyone else did?

Because it wasn’t the same thing, and I didn’t know that.

So, while PMS affects (mostly) your body and (mildly) your mind on more or less a regular cycle, with more or less the same cluster of mind/body symptoms each month (specific to you as an individual), PMDD actually affects your brain’s capability to regulate itself, and therefore affects just about every other hormone in your body, too.

This is why you often feel as if something or someone else (in my case, The Alien) has taken over your body. You think one thing, and something totally different comes out of your mouth. You think you’re eating right, getting enough sleep and exercise, and suddenly one day you have no energy and your body simply won’t cooperate. There’s a missed connection there, and while it’s not “all in your head,” as many friends, relatives, co-workers, and even doctors would have you believe, it is happening in your brain.

So what are some of these hormones, and what do they do?

Here (in alphabetic order) are the ones most likely to affect your levels of PMDD.

Aldosterone – Never heard of it? Doesn’t matter. It still contributes to excess water weight gain when your progesterone levels are high, like in the second half of your menstrual cycle, when you feel all fat and bloated. Now you know (in part) why you get that way, and why there’s really nothing you can do about it but avoid salt, celebrate the fact that you’re a woman, and know that this, too, shall pass…

Androgens (DHEA and others) – These enhance your sex drive and aggressive tendencies, produce unwanted facial hair and apple vs. pear-shaped bodies in women, stimulate your appetite and contribute to waistline weight gain when your levels are too high.

Cortisol – This affects your metabolism and tells your body to store more (more! more!) body fat, and is produced in even higher amounts under stress. (Remember, a PMDD woman is more sensitive to stress to start with, so don’t be surprised if your levels are off the charts.)

Think about this: Our bodies have not changed much biologically since prehistoric times, and so are designed to respond to stress in a certain way that back then was perfectly normal and balanced. But stress back then might be due to a natural disaster, imminent death or starvation, attack by a wild animal, or, in later times, attack from a warring tribe.

Now our stress comes from sources like electronic devices, over-commitment, dashed hopes and unmet expectations, financial strain, unsafe drivers, emotional upsets, and major life changes like birth, death, marriage, divorce, surgery, change in employment or living location, to name just a few.

But our bodies still react in the same way they did in prehistoric times to these threats and upsets—as if we were literally under physical attack.

So up goes your cortisol, which, among other things, causes you to gain weight and suppresses your normal immune functions, leaving you susceptible to every cold and flu that comes your way. In time your body can get so run down that you develop something serious, even terminal.

The Estrogens – Estradiol, Estrone, and Estriol These three wonder hormones are involved in over 400 crucial functions throughout your body and brain, including your metabolism, moods, body heat regulation, insulin sensitivity, pain levels (think muscle and joint pain, and headaches), and carbohydrate tolerance. Both too much and too little estrogen are bad for you, in ways too numerous to go into here. But know this—you have estrogen receptors in your brain, bladder, bones, muscles, blood vessels, skin, breasts, uterus, eyes, heart, and colon. It’s not just about sex anymore.

Insulin – Lowers your blood sugar, stimulates fat storage.

Melatonin – Regulates your sleep cycles and body rhythms, promotes fat storage for hibernation (remember those cave dwellers) and increases your appetite for carbs. Melatonin also plays a role in Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) syndromes that affect your energy levels, weight gain, daytime sleepiness, and depressed moods.

Norepinephrine and Epinephrine – aka your Adrenaline Hormones. These govern your “fight or flight” responses. They increase your heart rate, lift your mood (or in excess cause anxiety), increase alertness, and dilate your arteries to provide more oxygen, glucose, and nutrients to your key organs in times of distress.

Remember what I said about how our bodies were initially designed to respond to threats and the differences between threats then and threats now? Some of us are living in a constant state of fight or flight due to the lifestyles we live. Think about it. You know who you are.

Progesterone – Too much can increase your appetite, increase fat storage, reduce insulin sensitivity, make you sleepy, depressed, and depress your sex drive. So be wary of all those progesterone creams on the market, especially the over-the-counter brands. If you don’t really need it, you could be doing yourself more harm than good.

Testosterone -- It’s not just for guys. Too little testosterone can negatively affect your bone and muscle growth, metabolism, mood, energy level, and sex drive.

Thymosin – This little-known hormone plays a major role in the development of your immune system. Be good to it or be betrayed by it.

Thyroid – Affects your metabolism, nervous system, muscles and bones, energy levels, heart rate, body heat production, and brain activity. (Hello? Brain activity? Remember this.)

Okay, now I’m no doctor, but if you take the major symptoms of PMDD and bump them up against these hormones, you’ll find that imbalances in eight of them can lead to weight gain, five of them can cause problems with your metabolism, five of them can affect mood disorders, six can cause problems with your energy levels, two can make you anxious, one can make you aggressive, three affect your sex drive, two reduce insulin sensitivity, two affect sleep cycles, two can depress your immune system, and two can affect your brain function…which can affect all of the above.

Let’s break that down into something more manageable.

Imbalances in the following can cause weight gain:
Androgens
Cortisol
Insulin
Melatonin
Progesterone
Testosterone
Thyroid
Aldosterone (water weight gain)

Imbalances in the following can cause metabolism problems:
Cortisol
Estrogen
Testosterone
Thyroid

Imbalances in the following can cause mood disturbances:
Estrogen
Progesterone
Melatonin
Testosterone
Thyroid

Imbalances in the following can cause your energy levels to plummet:
Estrogen
Insulin
Melatonin
Progesterone
Testosterone
Thyroid

Imbalances in the following can compromise your immune system:
Cortisol
Thymosin

Imbalances in the following can reduce insulin sensitivity:
Estrogen
Progesterone

Imbalances in the following can cause problems with brain function:
Estrogen
Thyroid

Too much Progesterone can kill your sex drive, as can too little Testosterone.

Too much Norepinephrine and Epinephrine can make you irritable and jittery and anxious. So can Thyroid problems.

Too much DHEA can make you aggressive (or, when applied to women, bitchy).
It can also increase your sex drive (or, when applied to women using the double standard, can open you up to being called any number of derogatory names.)

Or, to cross-match it another way…

Official Symptoms of PMDD affected by hormone levels:

Markedly Depressed Mood
Estrogen
Progesterone
Melatonin
Testosterone
Thyroid

Marked Anxiety or Tension
DHEA
Norepinephrine
Epinephrine
Thyroid

Marked Affective Lability
Estrogen
Progesterone

Persistent and Marked Anger or Increased Personal Conflicts
DHEA and other Androgens

Decreased Interest in Usual Activities
Estrogen
Insulin
Melatonin
Progesterone
Testosterone
Thyroid

Subjective Sense of Difficulty in Concentrating
Estrogen
Testosterone
Thyroid

Lethargy, Fatigue, Marked Lack of Energy
Estrogen
Insulin
Melatonin
Progesterone
Testosterone
Thyroid

Marked Change in Appetite, Overeating, or Food Cravings
DHEA
Cortisol
Insulin
Melatonin
Progesterone
Testosterone
Thyroid

Hypersomnia or Insomnia
Estrogen
Melatonin
Thyroid

Subjective Sense of Feeling Overwhelmed or Out of Control
Estrogen
Thyroid

Physical Symptoms, such as breast tenderness or swelling, headaches, joint or muscle pain, bloating, and weight gain.
Aldosterone (water weight gain)
Estrogen
Progesterone
Cortisol
Insulin
Melatonin
Testosterone
Thyroid

Do you see where I’m going with this? You could have PMDD, or you could have some kind of hormonal imbalance that is exacerbated pre-menstrually. It might be an insulin problem, or a thyroid problem, and not PMDD at all. Only you and a caring, knowledgeable, and forward-thinking doctor will be able to separate all the threads and figure it out for sure.

In the meantime, don’t let anybody tell you you’re crazy. The only thing that’s out of whack here are your hormones.

PMDD and Maple Syrup

2010-10-06T06:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, time to check in again. One of the things I make a point of here is to be as honest with you as I possibly can. But my information is only as good as what I have personally experienced, so I can’t—and won’t--recommend things I haven’t tried. I’m just as eager—and sometimes just as desperate—as the next woman to find a way to feel well all the time, but I’m not one to just throw things out there to see if they stick. I’ve chased enough dream cures for PMDD in my forty years to know I don’t want to send any of you down the same road of futility and despair.

Because every time one of these so-called “miracle cures” fails to take away our PMDD, we tend to blame ourselves, and not the product we just spent another $20, $50, or $100 on. The problem must be with us, right?---not the stuff in the pretty package with all the glowing testimonials of how it worked for other women.

Wrong. The only problem here is you fell prey to hope.

That said, the only thing I know for sure is a woman with PMDD needs to pay careful attention to what she eats and drinks, and needs to listen to the signals her body sends her about whatever she is putting into her body, be it food, drink, supplements, creams, hormones, or medication of any sort. It’s only through this total body awareness that we’ll be able to get a handle on our PMDD.

Our bodies are amazing, and communicate with us constantly. Think aches, pains, tingles, queasiness, sleepiness, nervousness, whatever. Unfortunately, we’ve been conditioned to ignore these distress signals from bodies, and therefore our health and well-being, as long as we are able to get done all the things we need to do. It’s this ignoring of our bodies that leaves us wide open to using and abusing them in ways that invariably come back to haunt us, via cravings and weight gain, irritability and mood swings, and susceptibility to illnesses of all sorts, both physical and mental.

So the number one thing you need to do is take the time to get to know your body, what nourishes and sustains it, and what sends it, and therefore you and your life, out of kilter.

Last week I thought it was the cottage cheese bringing me down. I’ve since figured out that it was--and it wasn’t. It wasn’t bringing me down in the way I thought it was. As most women with PMDD, I need a certain level of carbs to be functional. Carbs are the precursor to making serotonin, which is a hormone a woman with PMDD lacks during certain times of the month.

There aren’t a lot of carbs in cottage cheese :). So after coming off the fast, which was a cleansing fast, and not one I would recommend for everybody (which is why I’m not openly promoting it here), I was (and still am) determined to watch my calories. Not count them—never again will I count calories—but I am determined in general to stick to a reasonable level of healthy fuel for my body intake.

Full fat cottage cheese is 30% fat—that’s what makes it so tasty. But by eating the cottage cheese, I was putting something in my body that wasn’t going to help improve my mood. What I should have been eating was something that would provide some healthy carbs to fuel my serotonin production.

In short, I substituted fat for carbs. And while it satisfied my hunger and the pleasure/reward area of my brain, it did nothing to improve my mood, or sense of mental clarity and well being. The key, in my case, is to keep a steady supply of carbs in my system, so my body has enough resources to make the level of serotonin I need to stay happy and focused. There are a few ways to do this. One, by eating some dense, healthy carbs—like oatmeal, or multi-grain toast with no sugar added preserves, or even bananas, grapes, apples, or oranges. (But you have to be careful about eating too much fruit if you have problems with insulin resistance.)

Another way to boost your serotonin levels is by exercising moderately. Too much exercise, and you deplete your body’s stores of carbs, therefore defeating the whole purpose. So a nice, moderate, 2-mile walk really helps. Maybe a some kind of dance (Zumba is great for this) or Pilates class. But if you don’t have time for that, even 10-20 minutes of walking or light aerobic exercise will help—just enough to get your heart rate up and break a light sweat.

A third alternative is to take some 5-HTP. I have two kinds here…one with 37 grams per capsule, and one with 100 grams per capsule. That way I can take whatever I need, based on whether I feel like I need a big boost in mood and focus or a small one. However, it is not recommended that you take 5-HTP if you are already taking any MAOI drugs or SSRI anti-depressants. The main reason being that they accomplish the same purpose so you could easily overdose by taking both. For more information on Serotonin Syndrome, go here.

An alternative to 5-HTP is to take a SSRI-type antidepressant—but only while you are feeling symptomatic. There’s no need to take any kind of drug every single day, day in and day out, for something that troubles you only part of the month. SSRIs have been proven to help with symptoms of PMDD in 60% of the women who take them. You won’t know if you’re one of the 60% unless you try. But what they don’t tell you is that for PMDD, you only need to take them when you are feeling symptomatic. It’s just easier to prescribe one for you to take all the time, and when it starts to fail, up the dosage (and all the unpleasant side effects). It’s like we can’t be trusted to know when we need a boost and when we don’t.

But while an anti-depressant takes a few weeks to kick in for those who are truly depressed, if you have PMDD, a SSRI can somehow affect the part of your brain that boosts your serotonin level within hours. So yes, I have a 10 mg prescription handy for those days when nothing else seems to work. But those days are few and far between, Thank God (in six months I’ve taken them three times, for 2-3 days each time), and I much prefer to use the natural methods of treatment available.

Other options are to increase your intake of Vitamin D, or to simply get more sleep. I realize that this last one is the least simple of the options available, but sometimes nothing less will do. For it's when we sleep that our body has a chance to re-set itself, and put everything back into balance if it can.

I did mention that while on the cleansing fast, I had no symptoms of PMDD. My guess is this was due to the maple syrup component of the fast, which kept a slow, steady supply of carbs circulating through my body and brain all day long. One serving of maple syrup contains 53 grams of sugar, 10 more grams than a can of regular soda. But all sugars are not alike. Sodas not only don’t add anything to your body but calories, they actually rob your of vitality and nutrition, and leave you dehydrated, to boot.

But since I was using organic Grade B maple syrup, I was getting all of the nutritional benefits (Grade B organic maple syrup is filled with all sorts of vitamins and minerals), without any negative side effects. However, at one point I was running out of Grade B syrup, and since the Whole Foods store was on the other side of town, I went to the grocery store instead to find a replacement to get me through the weekend.

No dice. All I could find was 100% pure Grade A maple syrup (not organic). One serving of that, and I had an immediate headache and was sick to my stomach. I went to the internet to find out why, and learned that non-organic Grade A maple syrup is sometimes processed with formaldehyde.

My body was letting me know I was not giving it something that was good and healthy. Back to the Whole Foods store I went, and the problem immediately went away.

So now I sweeten my tea with a little Grade B organic syrup, and it does wonders to keep the healthy carbs flowing.

PMDD and Nutrition

2010-09-29T05:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, after all those posts telling you what you need to avoid, I promised to take a break and tell you some of the good and positive things you can do to lessen and help manage your PMDD. Because there is no cure for PMDD. Get that straight in your head right now--no matter what anybody on the internet or on television promises you. There is no cure. Period. You can make it go away for a while by either masking it with a various assortment of drugs, or by making positive lifestyle changes and treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated.

But if you don’t keep up indefinitely whichever path you choose, day in and day out, the PMDD will be back—and most times with a vengeance.

One of the best natural things you can do to manage your PMDD (in addition to reducing the stress in your life, exercising regularly, and getting enough rest) is to pay very close attention to what you eat. Nutrition, nutrition, nutrition. Any body responds well to good nutrition, but a woman with PMDD in particular needs to pay attention to her nutritional needs if she wants to keep her hormones functioning at optimal levels and in balance.

Recently I attempted a ten-day detoxification fast, with the goal of ridding my body of accumulated toxins, re-setting my metabolism, and re-establishing my hormonal balance. I went eight days without solid food, and would have gone longer, if I didn’t have a four-hour community service commitment I had to go to. I wasn’t sure what would be involved, or if we would be eating, and I decided I’d rather go off the fast than have to explain what I was doing and why I wasn’t eating. People can be so touchy about that, if they offer you food and you don’t eat it.

I needed a day to switch gears before going on this outing with my church, so I stopped the fast at the end of day eight.

While I was on the fast, I felt great hormonally. Never better. No mood swings, lots of energy, an amazing clarity of mind, and all sorts of warm, fuzzy feelings of well-being.

I went off the fast, and the very next day, my PMDD returned. My first thought was it was because of something I was eating. My best guess is that something is meat and dairy products. Why? Because unless you go specifically hunting for sources of meat and dairy products that are antibiotic and hormone-free…which I do most of the time but didn’t take the time to last week…you’re going to get some of those substances in the meat and dairy products you consume (including cheese, cream, butter, yogurt and milk), and it’s going to affect your own delicate hormonal balance.

And boy, did it, in my case. Why? Because those first couple of days off the fast, I treated myself to a big bowl of cottage cheese and tomatoes, using the last home-grown tomatoes of the season. I’ve always considered real cottage cheese (the full fat kind, not that low fat stuff) more tasty than ice cream…so it’s my special treat, and when the home grown tomatoes are in season…I can’t resist.

But after two days of feeling like my old PMDD self, I started resisting. And when I started resisting, I started feeling better. Then, two days ago, I went on a road trip, where for the most part, only fast food and vending machine food was available. The next morning, I couldn’t seem to wake up, couldn’t get my day started at all. I was in a total fog and couldn’t shake it to save myself.

The culprits? Coffee, cheese and crackers, and (even though the fast food place said it was home made) a very tasty Sloppy Joe.

So in an attempt to revive the energy and clarity of my food fast, I went back to the basics—oatmeal, fresh fruits and vegetables, seeds, nuts and other whole foods. I ended the day by making a very tasty and filling vegetable soup, with no interest at all in my usual accompanying cheese and crackers.

Today I feel 100% better. We’ll see what happens in the days to come as I continue to eat no meat that isn’t hormone-free, no cheese, and drink no milk.

I’m not saying this will work for you, but it’s definitely something I am willing to try, after having felt so good and energetic those eight days I didn’t eat or drink any of the above. The only things I actually missed in those eight days were fruit, salad, and nuts.

How interesting, that given the chance to strip things down to the bare bones, by eating no solid food for over a week, that the things my body craved were all good and healthy foods. Proof positive that if you just listen to your body--not your emotions, as in emotional eating--it will steer you to the right kinds of fuel. The only reason I went after the cottage cheese, was because I knew my days for eating the last fresh tomatoes of the season were limited.

I also found it interesting that while fasting I didn’t give chocolate a second thought. Wanting some never entered my mind. I also had absolutely no desire to eat anything made with refined sugar or flour—and still don’t. It totally amazes me. The fast was drastic, yes, but in a sense it did reset my hunger mechanisms. And I did ease into it by eating mostly salads for a few days before I began.

Although yesterday (with my PMDD going on) I did crave chocolate, but since the fast I find I don’t care for the taste of solid chocolate, and so instead of eating my regular brand of chocolate, I switched to drinking more of the healthy Mocha Cappuccino drink I have recommended before, from Bolthouse Farms.

It’s doing the trick, so as long as that works, I am a happy camper.

But, like I said, this is only what is working for me, and I am, as always, a work in progress. According to Ann Louise Gittleman, who wrote Super Nutrition for Women: A Food-Wise Guide for Health, Beauty, Energy and Immunity, particularly good nutritional choices for women who have PMDD include:

Blackstrap molasses
Broccoli
Lentils
Sea vegetables (check out your local health foods store)
Sesame Seeds
Sunflower seeds
Whole brown rice

What about Vitamins and Supplements?

Supplements can help, but should never replace food. The body works best with healthy food. By healthy I mean whole, natural, nutrient-rich foods. Not processed foods of any kind (like my beloved cheese). Vitamin and mineral supplementation can quickly send you into imbalance if you use them to try to make up for eating a nutrient-poor diet—meaning lots of processed food and fast food on the run--especially if you take more of any vitamin or mineral than you need.

More does not equal better in most, if not all cases of vitamin supplementation.

Beyond a daily pharmaceutical grade multi-vitamin (not just something off the shelf at your local discount store—sorry!), or daily pharmaceutical grade multi-vitamin pack, and some added calcium and magnesium, maybe some extra vitamin C during cold season, you need to get most, if not all of your PMDD nutritional needs from the foods you eat. The benefit of a daily multi-vitamin is to offset the daily depletion of nutrients from our bodies due to environmental pollutants such as smoke, carbon dioxide, pesticides, chemical-based cleaners, perfumes, deodorizers, air fresheners and the like, and medications of any kind, over the counter or prescription, including birth control pills (which cause deficiencies of folic acid and vitamins B 6 and B 12—both integral to mood stability).

In short, with all the toxins we are exposed to daily, a good multi-vitamin just keeps you from ending your day in the negative column. It gives you a good baseline to start from, but you still need to eat right to feel strong and healthy.

Our bodies know best. We need to learn to listen to them carefully and treat them well, so that they can do the same in return. Only when we choose to take charge of our health--when we decide to take control of our diets and make good and healthy food choices--will we have any hope of getting off the PMDD Not-So-Merry-go-round, and finally managing our unruly hormones.

Short version: Eat whole, natural foods as close to the source as possible; go organic whenever you can afford it; avoid all processed foods and as many medications as you can, both over the counter and prescription; take a daily pharmaceutical grade multi-vitamin or vitamin pack; make sure you get some added calcium and magnesium; minimize the environmental toxins in your home and work space; exercise regularly; get plenty of rest; and de-stress your life as much as possible.

A more detailed breakdown of each of these items will appear in blog posts to come.

Relapse

2010-09-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

This is a post I wrote last year for another blog, after attending a national conference and being on the road for eight days, but since I am guest blogging on two other blogs today, and this is a different reading audience, I’m going to use a revised version of it here today.

My nickname for my PMDD is The Alien. All my friends and family know about her, that she comes around now and again, and know what to expect when I say, “She’s back.” I’m blessed to have so many understanding people in my life, who realize that whatever I may say or do (or not do—such as cancel out on events or even attend and simply sit there like a sad, disoriented bump on a log) while The Alien is in the building is not personal. So here goes:

Having come freshly off a week of spending up close and personal time with The Alien, who kicked my butt so badly the last day she was here I had to take a three-hour nap in the middle of the day, on top of getting a full night’s sleep, today I feel uber-qualified to write about how it feels to experience PMDD. The thing is, now that the episode (aka her latest visit) is over, it’s the last thing I want to think about.

I look around and see all that didn’t get done over the last week, the laundry piling up, the floors that need to be cleaned, the clutter of all I didn’t feel up to coping with and simply set aside, and would much rather regain some semblance of control over my life--if only its external appearance--than write about the dark place I inhabited for eight full days and change this time around.

Why such a long visit this time? I think I know. I think it had something to do with the stress of travel, the staying up later than usual, sleeping in strange environments, the change in diet, the miniscule amount of alcohol consumed, although in comparison to my usual alcohol intake, it was a big jump. Let’s see…over the course of two weeks I had three beers, one glass of wine and a glass of Bailey’s Irish cream. More than I’ve had in the last 6 months, and more than I had in the year or so before that.

Still, it was a toxic substance my system isn’t used to. Add that to the copious amounts of caffeine I consumed during the conference and while on the road, the pasta-heavy fare at the conference, and I think I’m getting the picture. At home, I’m usually caffeine free—or close to it. No coffee, maybe a cup of caffeinated tea in the morning, if I feel the need, and chocolate only when “the cravings” come. And I hadn’t had pasta or bread in weeks before the conference.

Why? All of these are bad for women with PMDD, or anyone with a neurotransmitter imbalance. Caffiene, alcohol, sugar, flour, hence the bread and pasta. But why am I so sensitive to their effects? I know women who practically live on caffeine and sugar, others who drink freely, others who love their bread and pasta. Is it possible they feel as miserable as I do, or more so, but deny their misery and continue to self-medicate with food and drink?

Because attempts to self-medicate is what these addictions (for lack of a better word) are. My research is showing there are very few true physical addictions in life. Most compulsions are emotionally or psychologically based. Only in rare cases is an addiction physiological.

That’s not to say we can’t get cravings. But cravings are cravings, temporary urges for some kind of substance to relieve our mental, emotional, or physical discomfort. Cravings are not addictions, although when you are in the throes of one, it can feel like an addiction. But as someone writing a book on dealing with addiction recently pointed out to me, “You’re not going to stick a gun in someone’s face for a piece of cake.”

Cravings are the body’s signals that some physiological need is not being met. You’re low on some vital nutrient, to be exact. Your body is saying, for instance, “I’m low on magnesium,” and you feel a sudden urge to eat a banana, or some almonds, maybe some oatmeal, or, yes, some chocolate.

Chocolate is one of the best known substances we crave. What confuses the issue with chocolate is not only its physical healing properties (of which there are many), but its emotional associations. We associate chocolate with feeling good. But not all chocolate is equal. Some are better for us than others. Much better. Others are almost useless, physiologically speaking. In the example above, a banana would provide as much magnesium as a 1.5 ounce chocolate candy bar, but a handful of almonds or cashews would provide almost three times as much magnesium as either the banana or candy bar.

So why do we reach for the chocolate? It’s as much for the emotional fix as the nutrient needed. More confusion arises when we don’t know the difference between types of chocolate, due to the marketing and advertising claims of their manufacturers. Manufacturers is the key word here. Quality chocolates from true chocolatiers abound with the beneficial properties of chocolate. True dark chocolate is a rich source of flavanoids and antioxidants, with the cacao bean containing more than twice as many antioxidants the so-called superfoods like blueberries, kale, spinach or broccoli.

It’s the cheap, mass-marketed brands that--while they may contain miniscule amounts of chocolate’s beneficial properties—have processed most of the antioxidants and flavanoids right out of the chocolate. To derive any benefit from eating these lower quality chocolates, you need to eat way more than is healthy for you. When this happens, the negatives outweigh the positives—and you could end up outweighing all your friends.

If that’s not enough, did you know that adding milk to your chocolate, or even drinking milk with your chocolate totally nullifies its good effects?

Meanwhile you’re bewildered, thinking chocolate is supposed to be good for me, right? Milk is healthy for me. Isn’t that what the ads say? By eating chocolate and drinking milk, I’m doing something good for my body, right? So why do I feel so miserable?

Because all the chocolate in the world isn’t going to solve your problems, honey, and while I may crave it like mad at times, neither is it going to make my PMDD go away. For all its mood-enhancing abilities, even the finest Belgian chocolate won’t “cure” dysphoria.

Dysphoric is the opposite of euphoric. Euphoric means happy, dysphoric means depressed. As in depression. But only pre-menstrually, which I suppose can be considered a blessing.

In some atypical cases, however, the dsyphoria can come AFTER a woman begins her period. Lucky me, I’m atypical. Mine usually starts on Day 3, if it’s going to come. It doesn’t always come. Which is what drives me batty, trying to keep on top of what I need to do--or to avoid--to keep it from returning. I lead too full and rich a life to keep being knocked flat by this unwelcome change in my body. It makes me feel like I’m constantly behind—on everything.

As women, we all know “it will never all get done,” but to have something come along and steal a full week or more out of your month, something that no matter what you do or don’t do seems to be totally beyond your control…it’s more than frustrating. It’s crazymaking.

I’m here to tell you you’re not crazy. I’m here to tell you there are scientifically proven physiological reasons for why you crave the things you do—like carbs--and what happens to your body as a result of that. I’m here to tell you there’s help, and hope, but it’s far from easy, living in a body that seems to have a will of its own at times, and a manufacturing and marketing culture that promotes unhealthy foods as healthy because of their base ingredients, while completely ignoring the toxic effects of their processing processes.

That said, the first step is to forgive yourself for falling short of your own expectations, and to understand that what is happening to you is as involuntary a response as an allergic reaction. You can not control it. You can try to mitigate it, to be sure, by living a universally healthy lifestyle, once you understand what that truly is, but you can not control it.

Nor can you deny it and simply plow through it, as most women do. Untreated PMDD only gets worse over time, and can lead you into full blown depression if not properly addressed.

So what are we supposed to do? We have commitments, responsibilities, schedules and deadlines. We have people counting on us to be there for them.

We have to learn how to be there for ourselves, first. If we don’t, we won’t be able to do anybody any good. It’s that simple.

Hopefully, the previous blog posts I have written on things a PMDD woman needs to avoid will be of some help in this area. Next week, instead of telling you what NOT to do, I plan to have a few ideas on positive things you CAN do to lessen your symptoms of PMDD.

Until then, be well.

Finding a Doctor to Help You With Your PMDD

2010-09-15T03:23:00.000-07:00

Someone had asked if I’d ever looked into saliva hormone testing, and the answer is yes. Once, last summer and fall. This post will be long, but I hope it will be of some help and consolation to those who are meeting dead end after dead end in your own search for relief from your PMDD.

Imagine my joy last summer when I opened my local paper to find a special supplement for women, and discovered, after all my years of searching, that my town had a genuine hormone specialist.

Or at least that’s what the ad said. My experience, unfortunately, didn’t bear that claim out.

My first visit to this woman was a resounding disappointment. I’d waited until I was in the throes of an episode to call for an appointment, so that she could see for herself what I was dealing with, but was told I’d have to wait several weeks for an appointment.

Once I finally got there, symptom-free, the upshot was she wasn’t at all familiar with PMDD, had no idea what I was talking about, and when I tried to describe it to her, how I am perfectly fine and happy most days of the month, but then there is that one week that everything goes awry emotionally, in conjunction with my menstrual cycles, she just looked at me and asked, “Have you talked with a psychiatrist about this?”

Yes, I said, I have, but it’s not a psychological problem, it’s a hormonal imbalance in the brain (ergo why I am here) due to a dip in serotonin (aka a mood-elevating hormone) on those days, that causes the D part of PMDD, or depression.

“Depression!” she says, her eyes practically lighting up. “Then what you need are anti-depressants.” No, I repeat, because it doesn’t happen but a few days a month. The rest of the month I am fine. Healthy, happy, whole, and sane.

I explain the situation to her again. She decides I must be in denial, puts Depression down as my diagnosis (which I discover after I go online to find out what the diagnostic codes she has written on my receipt and lab test requests mean) and hands me a home saliva hormone testing kit.

Send this in and call me to schedule an appointment to discuss the results, she says, practically shoving me out the door. Oh, and that will be $100. Next!

The thing is, I have to wait until I have another episode of PMDD to take the test, because I want to do the test while the PMDD is happening, and an episode has just passed, so it takes another month for me to even do the test.

In the interim, since it is clear that the true focus of this woman's practice is elsewhere, as in botox injections and chemical peels (both of which are truly hazardous to your hormones), and the hormone testing is apparently just some sort of sideline, I call all around town to find someone else to help me sort out my unruly hormones.

No deal. Only she and one other doctor in town are doing this kind of hormonal testing and the other one was a man and couldn't see me for at least three months.

So I do the test. I knew it was a mistake the minute I dropped the samples off at the UPS shipping post. The instructions had been so specific about keeping the saliva samples in the freezer and mailing them off THE NEXT MORNING. You could go with UPS or the postal service, but I knew the US mail didn’t go out before three around here anyway, so I opted for UPS.

I walk in with my little test kit, and the woman says, “Fine, just leave it on the counter.”

“When do they pick up?” I ask. “Oh, sometime this afternoon.”

In the meanwhile, my little kit sits out in the open on the counter of a store that has its front doors wide open to the fall sunshine. How could the samples not be corrupted?

I ask this of the doctor when I see her three weeks later, and she looks at me like I’ve grown two heads. “I don’t know,” she says. “It’s not a problem.”

Well, I see it as a problem, because my test results turned out to be totally unexpected and off the charts in some areas, and she can’t explain why. She just kept looking at the results, and circling them, and saying nothing more than, “Well, that’s what it is. As you can see, its…high.”
She drew in some upward arrows for effect.

It turns out, that according to the test results, instead of a deficiency in my hormones, I have an excess in some areas. This causes a problem for the doctor, because apparently the standard procedure is, she tells me I am low in this, this, and that, and then tells me I am in luck, as she has just the supplements I need on hand.

Be very wary of any kind of testing that comes complete with (their own) name brand products as the solution to your problems.

Fortunately, however, she was out of the one thing I was deficient in, Vitamin D. I told her that was okay, I’d manage to get some on my own (from a company I know and trust).

In the meantime, I ask the doctor, “How do you get rid of excess hormones?” She looks at me. “I don’t know.”

Well, I know the answer exists, because I read it somewhere, but I don’t remember where, because it was just something I'd read and had no idea I’d be needing.

“I’ll call the lab and see what’s going on with these results,” she says. “Why don’t you make an appointment for next week to come back and find out what they said?”

This time I looked at her. “Why don’t you just call me and tell me what they said?”

She agrees to do so. So I ask her what could possibly cause my hormone levels to be so high. I know the answer. I want to see if she does. After all, I’m the one paying her to tell me what the problem is. She fumbles badly until I give her a clue, then she takes off with it, all the while, asking, “You know what I mean?”

Yes, Doctor. I know what you mean. I also know that you’re winging it here and it shows.

In the end, she decides I need more testing, and bounds out of the room to figure out what test I need.

"Why do I need to take a different test?" I ask. "Because this one is better than the other one," she says, which leads me to wonder why she didn't give me the better test $500 ago.

No matter. No way am I doing this saliva test thing again, which several doctors in my research books have found to be unreliable. They recommend blood serum tests instead.

I ask her if there aren’t any blood serum tests I can take to get a better picture of what’s going on. “Why?” she asks. “It won’t do any good.”

This is the exact quote I have read over and over again in my books about women seeking help for hormonal issues, being shut down by their doctors who either have been trained to say or truly believe blood hormone tests aren’t reliable.

But how can the home-collected saliva tests be? It’s impossible. At least when you have samples taken at a lab, be they blood, urine, or saliva, they keep them refrigerated, and transport them in refrigerated containers. God only knows where my samples sat during the five days it took to get to the lab. I sent my samples off the morning of the 25th. They weren’t tested until the 29th.

To find out more about the subject, I went to what was billed as a seminar on saliva hormone testing, sponsored by a local pharmacy. A compounding pharmacy, one that can create individual prescriptions for women with hormonal imbalances, once the testing kits show where they are deficient. The room was filled with about forty women, all middle-aged.

The presentation was completely on target and informative. The information was correct. But it was a marketing presentation all the same. Go to your doctor, ask for these kits, get your hormones tested, then come back to us for a consult and we will mix up the perfect prescription for you.

Sounds like a dream come true to women who can’t sleep, can’t lose weight, are either bitchy or want to cry all the time or both at the same time, have hot flashes, headaches, backaches, swelling, cramping, bloating, joint pain and are either losing their hair or growing a moustache, just to name a few symptoms. And don’t forget, we’re all exhausted, and not interested in sex.

But they warn you the testing is imperfect, and it may take a few tests to get your prescription right, and you will need to be tested every three months thereafter to make sure the hormones they are giving you are the right ones for you.

They do not mention the cost, nor that it is not covered by insurance, nor that there are only two doctors in town who subscribe to this method of testing, and one of them is a woman who apparently doesn’t know the first thing about interpreting the results. All she knows is how to hand you a kit and say, “Call me for an appointment to get the results.”

This is the same woman who after speaking with me for 15 minutes, strongly suggested I go on anti-depressants as the solution to my hormonal problems, which I refused, because 1) I'm not depressed, and 2) countless case studies show that taking anti-depressants only makes your PMDD symptoms worse.

Hormonal imbalances are so individual, because each woman’s physical make up and life stressors are so different, that prescribing one pill to take care of them is like asking every woman to wear a one-size-fits-all-tent dress.

This time, after seeing the supposedly high levels of my hormones, in particular my serotonin level, which is what the SSRI anti-depressant would supposedly boost, the doctor did a complete 180 degree turn-around. As I was leaving, I asked her, just to make sure, “Now, you don’t recommend the anti-depressants any more, correct?” And she looked at me. “Well, you’re the one who said you wanted to go natural, right? You can’t do that if you’re on anti-depressants.”

A few weeks later I got a call from her office, informing me that the supplements for my depression that my test results indicated I needed were in and I could come in and pick them up.

I said, "I'm sorry, but I'm not depressed, and at this point I have lost all confidence in your office's ability to help me with my hormonal problem, so I won't be picking up any supplements."

I received a call from the doctor the next day, placing the blame on the receptionist, who obviously had "misunderstood my situation."

Professionalism at its finest. Blame someone else. The receptionist hadn't misunderstood anything. Not when I knew the doctor herself had diagnosed me with depression.

I then asked the doctor if she had called the testing company (as she had said she would when I was in her office) to find out why my results were so abnormally off the charts, and she said that no, she hadn't, because, well, "The results are the results."

And besides, she said, "I didn't give you all the results anyway."

"You didn't?" I asked, stunned.

"Well, no," she said impatiently, "because you wouldn't be able to handle all the information at once." These things take time, she insisted. It takes more than a couple of visits to sort everything out.

Needless to say, I never returned.

After that, I went to an endocrinologist, for whom I had to wait several more months to see. She was a lovely woman, well-informed, empathetic and understanding, since she herself happened to be going through menopause.

However, she was not a fan of bio-identical hormones. We talked a while, and then, comfortably leaning back in her chair she said, "As a medically-trained doctor, I can only give you advice based on the information that has been clinically proven. Your choices are anti-depressants, birth control pills, or hormone replacement therapy."

(The HRT she was talking about, however, was the conjugated estrogen therapy proven to cause several potentially fatal side effects by the Women's Health Initiative Study. (More on this in another post, since this one is already so long).)

"But as a woman," she added, then leaned forward and looked me in the eye, "When you find the answer, call me." She held up her hand to her ear to mimic using the phone.

I managed to talk her into doing some blood tests for my estrogen and progesterone levels. "I'll order the tests," she said, "but what are you going to do with the results?"

"I don't know yet," I said, "but I'll figure something out."

In the end it turned out the tests she ordered for me weren't quite what I needed, but I didn't know it at the time. I've since learned more on the subject, and after more than a year's worth of PMDD episodes later, managed to get my primary physician to request the serum blood tests that I needed, per the instructions on page 385 in Dr. Elizabeth Vliet's book, It's My Ovaries, Stupid! and we are diligently working on creating the right balance of hormones for me.

So far so good, and I will report on the results of that effort some other time, as we've only just begun this new treatment progam.

Still, this is but one example of how difficult it can be to find answers for your PMDD. Some doctors claim to have the answers but don't, some can only speak to what they have been taught, others are willing to help, but don't know what to do.

Meanwhile, month after month rolls around, and we suffer.

Food Cravings Have Nothing to Do With Willpower!

2010-09-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

I've struggled for most of my life with food cravings. While trying to figure out the reason my New Year's resolution to lose some weight worked so well the first three months and then....just stopped...I came across this article from a wonderful site on women's health, called Women to Women.

I'd like to share it here so you don't beat yourself up for not losing weight when you've been trying everything you can think of to shed some pounds. For more information and the entire article, go here. The sections in bold print are lighbulb moments for me, especially since--after I hit a plateau on losing weight with Weight Watchers--I was determined to kick it up a notch. For three months straight I went to the Y five times a week and did 45 minutes of cardio. Didn't lose a pound. Upped it to 45 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of walking for an added boost. No change. Signed up for a walking challenge and walked 200 miles in 100 days. Didn't lose a pound. (But things did tighten up and shift around a little, which was nice :)) Switched it around again to a more balanced two miles of cardio and two miles of walking in one hour, five times a week and....still nothing.

But those cravings, they still come around like clockwork, so here goes...

Cravings have nothing to do with willpower! (This, I thought, was fantastic news!)

An enormous percentage of women crave sugar, carbohydrates, or alcohol. In most cases, these food cravings are not true eating disorders, but instead are signs of hormonal imbalance caused by a lack of healthy nutrition.

Your personal issue may be the afternoon snack (often chocolate or candy or a food that’s also heavy in carbohydrates), too many potato chips, the extra glass of wine at night, or a hundred other variations. But the underlying mechanism, and the way to curb cravings, is the same. And it has nothing to do with willpower, or your lack thereof!

Food cravings mean that the body has its signals mixed up. When we are exhausted or blue, we have low blood sugar and/or low serotonin, and the body signals the brain that it needs a pick-me-up. This signal causes a sugar craving or carbohydrate craving.

Serotonin is our basic feel-good hormone. If serotonin is low, we feel sad or depressed. And hormonal imbalance or weak digestion can lead to low serotonin. Unfortunately, sugars and simple carbohydrates release a short burst of serotonin — we feel good for a moment, but soon return to our low-serotonin state — then crave more sugar and simple carbohydrates. It’s a downward spiral.

If you eat a low-fat diet in the hope of losing weight, you unintentionally make the problem worse. If, like millions of women, you have eaten a low-fat, high-carbohydrate diet for many years, or followed fad diets, the odds are good that you have become at least partially insulin resistant. Insulin is responsible for maintaining stable blood sugar levels by telling the body’s cells when to absorb glucose from the bloodstream. Being insulin resistant means your body stops responding to insulin, and instead grabs every calorie it can and deposits it as fat.

So no matter how little you eat, you will gradually gain weight. At the same time, your cells cannot absorb the glucose they need, so they signal your brain that you need more carbohydrates or sugars. The result is persistent food cravings.

Even worse, insulin resistance leads directly to obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. Many experts believe it is the root cause of the epidemic of those diseases in America today. And a low-fat diet makes it far more likely you will suffer from this condition.

Millions of American women are now trying the Atkins Diet or the South Beach Diet. While these diets are an improvement over the conventional low-fat, high-carbohydrate diet, they can worsen your metabolic problems, because dieting itself is stressful to the body. So many women need to heal their metabolism first before even considering weight loss. (This is what I have been working on ever since I gave up dieting, and actually, it's going well. Haven't lost a pound yet, but my overall energy and feelings of well-being have improved considerably, and when the PMDD episodes come, they're often much milder, and always much shorter than they used to be.)

Another cause of food cravings is adrenal fatigue. If you are under a great deal of stress, or suffer from insomnia or sleep deprivation, you are probably exhausted much of the time. This leads to adrenal fatigue or outright adrenal exhaustion, which in turn signals the body it needs a pick-me-up. You may resort to sugar or carbohydrate snacks or coffee during the day and carbohydrates or alcohol at night, all of which exacerbate the problem. (For more info on this, please read my things a PMDD woman needs to avoid posts.)

How to curb cravings

Women who blame themselves for their food cravings only worsen their mood and increase their need for serotonin. That’s when a pattern of emotional eating can develop. Remember, there are biological causes for sugar cravings, and your carbohydrate craving is rarely just a behavioral problem. The root problem is more likely inadequate nutrition.

How to break this vicious cycle? To reduce food cravings, the body needs real support — and lots of it. We have seen over and over that eating healthy foods, adding pharmaceutical–grade nutritional supplements and moderate exercise can almost miraculously curb cravings. Your metabolism will heal itself when provided with the necessary nutritional support. If it has been damaged, the process can take some time, but it will happen. The good news is — you don’t have to give up chocolate!

(As an aside, I have discovered this wonderful mocha chocolate drink that satisfies my chocolate cravings, while being very healthy. It's called Mocha Cappucino, from Bolthouse Farms, and comes in the refrigerator section (usually near the produce) in your grocery store. When only solid food will do, I find that two Dove Dark Bites does the trick. Often, it's only a taste of what we crave that will satisfy the craving.

So stop blaming yourself, start eating healthier foods, find a way to get more rest (essential for a PMDD woman) and exercise, (I've taken up Qigong, which is basically slow range of motion exercises and deep breathing). Any kind of exercise will do, but I've found walking helps me the most. Last, but not least, get yourself some really good pharmeceutical grade nutritional supplements. I know they're not cheap, but girlfriend, you're worth it.

And if you don't take care of you, nobody else is going to do it for you.

The Female Brain

2010-09-01T04:46:00.000-07:00

Short and sweet today. If you only read one book this year, let it be this one! You won’t regret it. Once you do, you’ll realize how normal you are. That alone makes it worth its weight in gold.

Until next time…happy reading!

What's Special About Progesterone

2010-08-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

Getting a late start today. It’s the last week before school starts and all is in chaos :). Today I want to write more about progesterone, since the subject came up. Again, I want to say there I nothing wrong with taking natural progesterone if your progesterone levels are low, but how are you going to know they are low without a blood serum test of your levels, taken during at least two different points in your cycle? Hormone saliva tests are notoriously inaccurate, and if you look closely, you’ll notice most companies that produce these saliva tests also conveniently produce product formulations that you can take to boost whatever their tests determine you are lacking in.

Some other day I will tell you about my experience with saliva hormone testing. Today I want to focus on progesterone and what it does for you.

Actually, it’s a good thing. Progesterone in and of itself is wonderful, and has a wonderful purpose. You know that it rises during the second half of your cycle, starting to rise just before ovulation. And as it does, it settles your mood and slows down your digestive system. That’s right. Just like progesterone smoothes out your mood, it smoothes out the muscles in your digestive tract to allow your body more time to process what you have eaten, and grab every morsel of nutrition it can from the food you eat before sending the waste on its way.

This is a big part of what causes that full, bloated feeling you get the last half of your cycle, and this is what often causes constipation during the same time frame.

Why? Because your body, in all it’s miraculous wisdom, is preparing to sustain a child. Your body doesn’t know (or care) whether you’re trying to get pregnant or not, so every month during your reproductive years it faithfully prepares to sustain a fertilized egg, whether you need it to or not. Slowing down your digestive system is just one way your body has of making sure that baby gets every ounce of nutrition it can get so that it will thrive in your womb.

When no egg is fertilized, the level of progesterone in your body drops, and this causes the buildup of tissue in your uterus to slough off because it isn’t needed, and pass out of your body via the blood you shed during your period.

Unfortunately, it also causes your mood to plummet.

But progesterone has a definite purpose. A purpose that drives women mad on the months when we are not hoping to conceive, because it makes us puff up and think we are fat. But all of that is just our body trying to hold on to the nutrients we have ingested…just in case.

Another time progesterone surges is during the first trimester of pregnancy, and that’s for the same reason. So that the baby growing inside you has the best chance your body can give it of getting all the nutrition it needs to survive.

Now, about those mood swings. During the last two weeks of your cycle, progesterone also causes your brain to at first become more relaxed and sedated, all warm and fuzzy, then gradually (and sometimes not so gradually), as the level of progesterone drops, more irritable, less focused, and a little slower. This is part of why you’re more sensitive to stress in the second half of your cycle.

Then, when no egg is fertilized and the level of progesterone in your system abruptly drops, this leaves your brain feeling somewhat shell-shocked. This is when you start snapping and screaming at your loved ones. Because your brain is feeling the effects of progesterone withdrawal, just like any addict goes through withdrawal when the source of their feel-good drug of choice is no longer available.

Our reactions to this loss of progesterone include feeling aggressive, negative, hostile, and/or even hopeless and depressed. This is when we weep at the drop of a hat, weep uncontrollably, become really obnoxious and confrontational, have panic attacks, and/or contemplate suicide.

Just like an addict.

So when we need it, progesterone is a very good thing.

When we don’t, it causes trouble.

What happens when we get too much?

Please read my previous post.

In closing, please try to be patient with yourself and understand that you really are not in control of this miraculous, yet incredibly frustrating (given our modern lifestyle) cycle that takes place inside your body each month, other than to provide your body with the best possible work and living environment and nutrition that you can--so that your body can do its job the way nature intended for it to do.

Progesterone Treatment for PMDD -- Is it for you?

2010-08-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I received a comment from a reader, suggesting I look into saliva hormone testing and progesterone creams if I intend to give advice on how to manage PMDD. To that reader I want to say thank you for speaking up, because it gives me a direction to go in today. My blog is still young, only three months old, and with posting only once a week I’ve gotten nowhere near to telling you about all the things I have tried, experienced, researched, and discovered in the past ten years. But questions or comments give me an idea of what people are interested in reading about, so I very much appreciate them.

One thing you’ll notice on my blog is I don’t recommend something unless I’m sure it will be helpful to a lot of women. I know how busy you are, and how desperate you are for relief, so I don’t want to waste your time, or send you on any wild goose chases that will only further demoralize your efforts to be well.

Part of what convinces me something is helpful is when I read about a type of treatment from an unbiased source. In my reading and experience, the proponents of progesterone treatment (both synthetic and bio-identical) are anything but unbiased. This makes me naturally wary of them. In my day job, I edit books, and as an editor, particularly an editor of crime fiction, suspense thrillers, mysteries, and whodunits, it’s almost second nature any more for me to spot inconsistencies in a story. My son goes crazy when we watch NCIS and after the show, I say, “Yes, but what about…?” and I show him how the plot was manipulated to suit the episode.

In general I’m a trusting person, but when it comes to my wealth or my health, I am biased toward the skeptical. Nobody is going to look out for my financial welfare or health and well being better than me. And if I don’t do it, don’t set the example or standard of what I will or won’t go for, no one else will.

Why should they? It’s not their pocketbook or health being depleted. No skin off their nose, right?

So…back to the progesterone question. This week I collected all my books on women’s health and wellness, and hormonal imbalances in particular. Put them all on the same shelf, so that I can easily find what I am looking for. One of these days I’ll print a list of all the books I’ve read, but I won’t recommend them unless I know they can be of specific help to YOU, or whoever is asking a particular question or needs advice. No need to encourage people to run around buying and reading books that won’t do them any good anyway. And I’m not here to impress you with my hormonal library. I’m here to help you if I can.

To that end, I’ve read at least 12-15 books on women’s hormones, and hormonal imbalances alone. Unfortunately, in every one I’ve read that recommends saliva testing and/or progesterone creams, they also happen to have a financial interest in the outcome of your testing and the product they are promoting.

I have yet to find one book-writing or online-type doctor who recommends progesterone treatment for the sake of progesterone treatment alone.

On the other hand, I have yet to read from one unbiased doctor—meaning one who does not also sell supplements and/or progesterone cream—that progesterone treatments work to eliminate PMDD.

The best (meaning unbiased, so I consider it reliable) information I have come across is that progesterone cream relieves some of your PMDD symptoms, while it can and quite often does make other symptoms worse. Why? Progesterone decreases serotonin. What creates the first D in PMDD? A dip in your serotonin levels. Serotonin lifts depression.

So while studies have shown progesterone has a Valium-like effect on the brain and some women will feel relief from pre-menstrual anxiety and tension--you know, that fear, that panic, that wanting to jump out-of-your-skin edginess, that feeling that makes you want to hit somebody--anybody--that irritibility that has you snapping for no logical reason at all at your co-workers and loved ones--increased progesterone can also have negative effects, including

headaches
mood swings
irritability
breast tenderness
bloating
increased appetite
food cravings
feeing fat
and no sex drive

In other words, PMS symptoms. But isn’t that part of what we’re trying to get away from to start with?

The bottom line is this: If you’re using progesterone cream and any or all of these things are happening to you, that may be why. Ditto if you’re taking progesterone orally, be it alone or as part of a birth control pill or some other form of hormone replacement therapy.

But beware: if progesterone treatment is stopped abruptly, it can produce withdrawal symptoms similar to that of benzodiazepines, barbituates, and alcohol.

So if you’re taking it orally, and want to stop, you need to withdraw slowly, and under your doctor’s supervision.

Note: Studies show that synthetic progestins in birth control or hormone therapy regimens can increase the frequency and severity of headaches in women, including migraines. Progestin-only types of contraceptives, like Norplant and Depo-Provera, you especially need to watch out for.

But back to the question of progesterone cream. I myself tried progesterone cream, looking for that magic bullet. I tried it for four months. Any and all of the programs that promote it say you should notice a discernable change within three months, even if you have severe PMDD. I noticed a lessening of some symptoms, a pleasant steadiness in my mood, but it did not seem to have any overall effect on my PMDD. It still comes around like clockwork, and when it comes, it hits hard.

Part of the problem with the creams is that they are not regulated. So you never know how much you are getting in a dose. Or even if you’re getting what you’re supposed to be getting, depending on what brand you use. Never get one that is not pharmaceutical grade micronized progesterone, and those easily run $30 to $50 a tube or bottle.

Some on-line doctors have gotten around this uneven dosage problem by providing pumps that supposedly pump out the exact dose you need, or by providing pre-packaged doses guaranteed to contain 50 mg of micronized progesterone in them. If one packet or squirt doesn’t work—try two that day, or more.

Seems rather hit or miss to me. And one doctor I recently read (I wish I could remember which one right now) said you’d have to practically bathe in the progesterone cream to make any difference if the real underlying problem was a progesterone deficiency.

So that’s why I don’t recommend it. I won’t recommend anything here that I am not absolutely, positively sure will help women. We’ve been led astray too many times already by people more concerned with their bottom line than the state of our pocketbook or health and well being. When I read the blog comments on other blogs by women suffering from PMDD I can see right away things that are contributing to their PMDD that their doctors refuse to acknowledge or simply don’t know or care about.

I won’t do that to you here. Here you will be listened to, and I will answer you to the best of my ability. If I don’t know something, I will tell you I don’t know anything about that, and then I will stay up nights looking it up in order to provide an answer at a later date. If there’s a need, I will do what I can to fill it. We’re all in this boat together, and what I learn while researching your question, may in the end help me or others as well.

So it’s all good.

Thank you again for your question, and anyone else who has a question, please either leave it in the comment section, or email me privately at info(at)livingwithpmdd.com. Your privacy will always be protected. Even if you give me your name, I won’t use it here in my blog.

Until next week, be informed, and be well :).

Liana's PMDD Website Finally Launched!

2010-08-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

I’ve been working on a book about PMDD for the past year and a half. For a time I had an agent interested, but in the end, she said it was a niche book, (meaning it wouldn’t have mass market appeal) and she passed on it. One of the drawbacks, she pointed out, was that I don’t have any sets of initials behind my name, so can’t claim I’m an expert on the subject.

Funny, how living with something for forty years, day in and day out, doesn’t qualify you as an expert on the subject. But there you have it. The bottom line was I didn’t have the right credentials or a platform--also known as a ready-made audience just waiting to grab my book off the shelves.

Now, six months later, I can see why she said what she did. I’ve bought and read countless books about PMDD and women’s hormones in general, and quite frankly, the information is already out there. Some of it highly technical, some of it garbled and distorted along the way, some of it just plain off-the-wall wrong, and some of it a thinly disguised marketing ploy to sell drugs or supplements and such, but overall, the information you need to manage your PMDD is out there.

On the other hand, you can go to the loops and forums and blogs, and read heartbreaking stories of women crying out for relief from their PMDD. Women with their lives and relationships in chaos. Women considering, planning, and attempting suicide because of it.

My question was (and is) why isn’t group A, those who suffer from PMDD, connecting with Group B, those who write about it and have information that would help women to understand and manage their PMDD?

I’m all about connections, networking, and relationships, so I’ve put my book on hold and shifted my focus to create this blog and a matching website to bring the two together. The website launched this week and is very incomplete, as I’m still writing the content for it, but I wanted you to be able to finally see what I’ve been working on these past few months and where I intend to go with it.

How did this all of this come about? Well, one day in April (a few weeks after the agent rejected my book proposal) I’m walking at the Y, participating in my 100 miles in 100 days challenge, just going around in circles around the track and letting my mind wander, when all of a sudden an image of a water lily comes to me, fully formed, along with the words, Living on a Prayer, Living with PMDD.

I don’t know why that happened, or how, but when I stopped to think about it, I realized that’s what it’s like for me, living with PMDD. Some days I feel like all I’m doing is living on a prayer, getting through by the grace of God. If nothing else in the past ten years, I’ve learned nothing short of my faith is going to get me through this debilitating disorder that can and does lead other women to attempt suicide.

Anyway, I finished my walk, then went home and hit the internet, looking for pictures of water lilies. I found the perfect one three pictures in, but of course (being slightly OCD), had to keep looking to see if there were any better ones available.

There weren’t any better ones, but there were a ton of options. And so my idea began to expand. I contacted my favorite web designer, and she said to send her the pictures I’d chosen and we’d come up with something. In the end, I think we’ll use all the pictures I chose, because to me, each one represents a different facet of having PMDD.

But once that was done, all the pictures were chosen, I wanted to know…Why a water lily? I’m not really into flowers, and don’t like the water at all, especially dark, murky water, so I looked up the symbolism of water lilies.

This is what I discovered: Lotus: Water Lily: The Lotus flower is symbolic of rebirth, but in addition to its religious meaning, the lotus is also a symbol of all that is true, good and beautiful, representing good fortune, peace, and enlightenment…In modern times the meaning of a lotus flower links closely with religious symbolism and meaning. A lotus represents life in general. As the lotus flower grows up from the mud into an object of great beauty, people also grow and change into something more beautiful. So the symbol represents the struggle of life at its most basic form.

Lotus flower symbols are also popular for people who have gone through a hard time and are now coming out of it. Like the flower, they have been at the bottom in the muddy pond, but have risen above this to be an object of beauty or represent a life of beauty as the case may be.

Thus the lotus flower or blossom can also represent a hard time in life that has been (or can be) overcome.

I’d say that captures my (or any woman’s) struggle with PMDD perfectly.

Take care and God bless, and may your week be a happy one.

A Summary of What A PMDD Woman Needs to Avoid So Far...

2010-08-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

Today I’m going to do a summary of the past few blog posts. I’ve chosen to start with sharing what NOT to do if you want to feel better as opposed to starting with what you CAN do to feel better. Why? Because even if you do the kinds of things which in a perfect world should make anyone feel better--such as eat whole foods, drink plenty of filtered water, exercise, and get plenty of rest—as long as you’re still doing the kinds of things that can make your PMDD worse all your positive efforts won’t matter. At best you’ll be canceling out the good with the bad and will still feel miserable and won’t have any idea why. You only get even more frustrated because your well-intentioned efforts to the good don’t seem to make any difference, and you might want to give up on trying, and then give up on hope.

Never give up hope. Never. This disorder can be managed, and it can be done without surgery or drugs.

You just have to be very careful about the way you live your life. You have to increase your awareness of the world around you, and you have to make conscious choices as to what to accept and what to avoid. If you don’t make your own health and wellbeing a priority, nobody else will, and that’s a fact. That much is true for anyone with any kind of condition. Nobody is going to do the hard work for you. You have to do it for yourself. PMDD is no different from any other disorder in that regard.

Fortunately, a lot of what contributes to overall health and wellbeing—and what detracts from it—is the same no matter what your condition. But in the case of a PMDD woman, since we are extra sensitive to just about everything, we need to be extra careful with what we eat, drink, and ingest.

That said, just a few of the things we need to avoid in order to feel better are listed below:

1. Chlorinated pools
2. Alcohol
3. Caffiene—this includes energy drinks as well as caffeinated coffee, tea, and cocoa
4. Chocolate—with the exception of a small piece of dark chocolate daily
5. Nicotine
6. Refined sweeteners—including sugar, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, or any processed sweetener.
7. Sugar-Free Food and Drinks—including Splenda (Sucralose)—(you know what gives Splenda that lovely granulated look that reminds you of sugar? Chlorination!)--Nutrasweet and Equal (Aspertame)
8. Prescription Drugs in General, but especially
9. Anti-Depressants
10. Birth Control Pills, Yaz in particular (see video at the bottom of the page)
and
11. Artificial Hormone Replacement Therapy
(not bio-identical hormone replacement therapy)
12. Over The Counter Drugs in General
13. NSAIDS in particular
14. Processed food—anything containing sugar, corn syrup or high fructose corn syrup in particular
15. Low Fat Everything -- just eat less instead of buying all that low-fat stuff—studies show it doesn’t work to help you lose weight anyway
16. Artificial Anything

This is impossible, you say. I can’t avoid all of that. Fine. Don’t. Keep putting stuff in your body that makes you feel rotten, then going to doctors for drugs that aren’t helping and in fact make you feel even worse. It’s your choice. All I’m here to do is make you aware that you do have other choices. They are hard choices, to be sure, and confusing choices at times, because of all of the conflicting information out there, but you know the truth. Your body tells you the truth every day. It tells you by the way you feel. Your body knows you CAN live without all these substances you’ve come to depend on to get you through your day, and you CAN feel better.

Put it this way:
What do you have to lose by giving up any or all of the things listed above?
What do you have to gain?

Think about it. Awareness is the key. I can’t say that enough. I still drink an occasional diet soda, take the occasional ibuprofen, eat the occasional piece of pie. But I do it knowing what I’m putting into my body, and knowing I will pay for it later. I make that choice consciously and as time goes on, the longer I am away from any of the substances listed above, the worse it makes me feel if I one day decide to have something I know I shouldn’t.

I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m writing this for the women who don’t even know or realize these things are a problem, and are contributing to their misery. For women who want to understand what’s wrong with them and want to find out things they personally can do to feel better.

Sometimes it’s easier to give up something (like cookies or wine or NSAIDs) than to start something new (like meditation or exercise or taking a daily nap). So pick something to give up, just one thing for now, and let me know how it goes. In time, you’ll be able to pick another, then another. But for now start slow. Doing so gives you a much better chance of success. Too much change at once will only overwhelm you until you feel deprived and cranky and throw up your hands in defeat and frustration. Been there, done that. Who hasn’t?

If you have any questions, please ask them here (in the comments section) or send me an email at info (at) livingwithpmdd.com. I will address your question either privately via email or here in general (no names mentioned) in a future blog. I want to know what you want to know about.

Have a blessed week, and if you do nothing else, simply take a moment to stop be aware of what you reach for in the course of a day.

Even MORE Things A PMDD Woman Needs to Avoid to Feel Better

2010-07-28T05:38:00.000-07:00

I really hate to be the continued bearer of bad news, but the list gets longer each day, which for a PMDD woman, can be pretty depressing.

But these posts can also help you to realize that, no, it's not all in your head, and yes, there are tangible things in your environment that are contributing to your PMDD. Things that you DO have some control over. The keys to managing your PMDD are awareness and positive choices, so today I'll address three more things you need to avoid if you want to feel better...in addition to those I wrote about in my previous two posts. (Please scroll down and check them out if you really want to know how to manage your PMDD.)

Processed Food -- I know it’s quick and handy and supposedly does the job of fueling your body, but by eating processed foods are you using the right grade of fuel for optimum health and well being?

NO.

The more naturally we eat, the better. We need to aim for foods that are as close as possible to their natural source. This means fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, lean meat protein, fish, eggs, whole grains, and some dairy. The same foods the general population needs to eat to feel better, but they are particularly helpful to a woman suffering from PMDD. Because PMDD women are extra-sensitive to everything we come in contact with, and everything that goes into our bodies.

One note of warning: Beware of the feel-good term whole grain. Read your food labels carefully. Just because the package says whole grain or whole grains on it does not mean what's inside is inherently good for us. Take for example fruit cereal bars, which make sure we know about the fruit and whole grain content in the bar, but neglect to mention the other things they contain, like corn syrup and other sweeteners and all sorts of big-word ingredients that are hard to pronounce.

When in doubt, the rule of thumb is: The fewer the ingredients listed on the package, the better the food inside that package is for you.

Low Fat Everything -- Fat in and of itself is not bad for you. It’s the quantity of fat consumed that can be problematic. Studies show that people who consume low-fat items tend to eat more of those items, which in the end causes them to consume more calories than they would have consumed had they eaten the regular item to start with

If only we’d all slow down, not eat so fast, let the original amount of (healthy) fat in food do its job and make us feel fulfilled.

So if you think you’re saving calories by eating low-fat ice cream or cheese or yogurt or snacks or cookies (not to mention a PMDD woman should avoid as much sugar as possible), think again.

Artificial Sweeteners – This is a biggie, and ranks right up there with low-fat items. Artificial anything is no good for a woman with PMDD, but artificial sweeteners are hell on a woman’s hormone system. You can either take it from me, who’s done the research for you, check out one of my favorite sites for women’s health issues in general, or check out these blogs on written specifically on the toxic effects of:

NutraSweet,
also known as
Aspertame,

and
Splenda

Splenda is also called sucralose, which is made by chlorinating sugar. Chlorine is another substance a PMDD woman needs to be careful to avoid, as it can wreak all kinds of havoc on your hormones, whether you soak in it or ingest it.

Here is one article on Splenda I particularly recommend:

You’ll have to decide how technical you want to get, so here are some more sites to choose from on the dangers of artificial sweeteners:

I’m not telling you what to do. Well, I am if you truly want to feel better, 100% of the time. If you want to feel better only part of the time, keep on drinking those diet sodas and eating those low-fat cookies, and eating those processed cereal bars for breakfast and snacks instead of some healthy oatmeal, or whole grain toast with no-sugar added jam. It’s up to you.

As someone has remarked, if you are what you eat, it seems the average consumer consists mostly of thickener, water, salt, and sugar. ~ Harvey Blatt, 'America's Food' (2008)

You are what you eat. Think about it. It’s not just a quote, or a quaint saying. It’s a warning. And one we’d all do well to take heed of, but those of us who suffer from PMDD especially.

But I never point out a problem without offering a solution as well. Here’s one place to find out exactly what you need to eat to have not only a healthy diet, but balanced hormones, and relief from your PMDD. When the article says eat less fat, it doesn’t mean eat low-fat and no-fat foods. It means just that….curb your intake of high fat foods. Cut down on portions. Don’t substitute fake food for the healthy fat you need.

Nobody says you have to give up all of these substances you have unwittingly incorporated into your diet on the same day, or all at the same time. Try it in stages. This week cut down on your diet soda consumption, next week (or month) try eating a healthier breakfast. Use some stevia to sweeten your food instead of sugar or Splenda. Next time you shop, buy regular cheese instead of low-fat. Try regular yogurt instead of low-fat, no-fat, or that overly sweet fruit on the bottom stuff. Change your refrigerator and your diet over slowly, one item at a time. In a few months, or even weeks, depending on how many changes you make, you’ll notice a substantial difference in the way your cupboards look, and the way you feel.

You are in charge of what you put into your body, and you alone.

Isn’t eating healthier worth feeling better?

More Things That Make Your PMDD Worse

2010-07-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

Hi, I can’t believe another week has gone by. A few weeks ago my original intention was to write a post about things to do help manage your PMDD, but there are still a lot of things out there we need to avoid to keep it from getting worse. It won’t do us any good to drink, eat and do the right things as long as we are still eating, drinking and doing the things that make it worse. At best, we’ll only be self-defeating our good intentions. True balance can’t be achieved by coming at this disorder hit or miss.

I’ve been scanning the PMDD loops and forums, and there are so many women out there crying out for help. As I read the posts, I can pinpoint some things they are doing to make their PMDD worse, without even realizing it. Nobody intentionally wants to make themselves feel badly, especially a PMDD woman. We know—even if at times it seems only like a distant memory—what it feels like to feel good, and we want to feel that way all the time.

As I said last week, the information is out there. The problem is it’s scattered all over the place, and some of it isn’t quite true. Some of it is slanted toward getting us to purchase products in which the author of that information has a financial interest. In the interests of my research I’ve bought several books and tapes and products designed to make me feel better, even “cure” my PMDD. Most have failed, because the information they are based upon is faulty to start with.

For instance, there is one doctor who insists over and over again in his literature that PMDD is caused by using birth control pills and hormone replacement therapy. If that is the case, I shouldn’t have it, because I’ve never used either. But a vast majority of women have used one or the other, and so by claiming that they cause PMDD, he is guaranteed to have a wide range of women wondering if that is the cause of their PMDD and flocking to buy his products. Instant consumer base.

Based on the scientific information I have read, in particular the information produced in the past five years—information which is not referred to at all in this doctor’s literature--it’s clear that birth control pills and hormone replacement therapies worsen your PMDD, but do not cause it. The studies I have read indicate that overall there is some relief in the initial months when using these methods to treat your symptoms of PMDD—and that is all you can do with these methods—treat the symptoms—because neither of these treatment methods address the underlying cause of PMDD.

But after a certain period of time—usually several months—both clinical studies and anecdotal stories show that birth control pills and hormone replacement therapies make your PMDD worse. And if that’s not enough misery for you, when you stop taking these drugs for your PMDD, your PMDD worsens even more. Because your body has to do all that additional work to recover from the damage that was done to your hormonal balance through using these methods of treatment. The bottom line is you end up feeling worse than you did before you started these treatments.

Realize now that the failure was not yours. The failure was in the treatment, which is at best a one-size fits all treatment for what is a highly individualized disorder.

I have not used bio-identical hormone replacement treatment, so can not address that subject here. At this point I’m still on the fence about that. I have been able to manage my PMDD symptoms through rest, diet, nutritional supplements, and exercise. I still have episodes, but they are mild compared to what they once were, and more than manageable. I would like to make them go away completely, and in the interests of doing so (and research!) hope to try bio-identical hormone replacement therapy in time, but have yet to find a doctor in my local area who will prescribe them. So for now I muddle along, but again, my symptoms are mild and more than manageable.

Two other things that make your PMDD worse are:

Any prescribed drug, including anti-depressants (more on this in a future post).
Any over the counter drug, including NSAIDs, or non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs—that’s right—ibuprofen. That wonderful substance that does wonders for our cramps and sore joints only adds to our PMDD burden.

I’m not saying to never take drugs again. There are genuine disorders, diseases, and conditions that can not be managed any other way. I’m saying you need to be aware that these things make your PMDD worse, and that it’s not just you and you’re not crazy.

For instance when you reach for that bottle of ibuprofen, you need to reach for it knowing you’re making a trade off…relief from your cramps now, or relief from your PMDD later.

Just knowing this makes me pause, and decide whether my cramps and aches are really bad enough for me to need that ibuprofen. Or do I really just need some rest and relaxation to give my body the time it needs to deal with the inflammation on its own?

Dealing with PMDD is more about awareness than anything else. It’s making ourselves aware of what our body is trying to tell us. For example, we need magnesium—chocolate craving—we need carbs—to boost the level of serotonin in our brain—we need sleep—to allow our brains can naturally re-regulate themselves.

Our bodies are designed to heal themselves naturally, given the right nutrients and rest. In our busy society, more often than not, we don’t have the time to stop and listen to what our bodies are telling us. We’ve been conditioned to carry on, no matter what, and consume whatever pill, food, or drink is handy to get us through. Recently I heard an ad on the radio for some kind of product you can puff into your mouth that brings you up to five more hours of energy. It has some nutrients in it to make it sound healthy, but it also has a heavy dose of caffeine—which cancels out any questionable benefits of the nutrients added. Never mind that a PMDD woman needs to avoid caffeine like the plague.

This company promotes their product as something you can take in the afternoon to get you through the rest of the day. So you can be even more productive than you already are. It’s touted as a good thing. Something to make you virtually indefatigable. In our case, a superwoman.

But if you’re tired, your body is telling you that you need rest, not that you need something to override your body’s natural warning system that you’re heading for a breakdown.

So sure, if you use this product--or any of the countless ones just like it you can find next to cash registers at any number of stores--you get the added boost for that particular afternoon. But what about the damage you are doing to your body, which is already screaming for relief? What about the price you will pay with a whopper of a PMDD episode down the line?

Is it really worth it? Or don’t you deserve any better?

The Amount of Rest You Get Makes a Huge Difference to a Woman with PMDD

2010-07-14T05:49:00.000-07:00

I was on vacation this week, so this one will be short, as I have a million things to do to get unpacked and settled back into my regular life, but I did want to stop by and post something. First, I want to say thank you to Cat and all the readers you brought over from Facebook. I don’t do Facebook, am afraid I would get lost in it I know so many people, so for the time being I steer clear in order to stay focused on my writing. But I greatly appreciate Cat spreading the word about my site there and welcome all of my new Facebook readers. I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to stop by and I hope something I’ve said here will be of help to you in coming to understand or manage your PMDD. If you have any questions, please post them in the comments section or write to me at info (at) livingwithpmdd.com, and I will address them in upcoming blogs. I want to write about what you want to hear about. I'm writing about me and my experience with PMDD at the moment, because it's what I know best and is as good a place as any to start :)

So, welcome, new readers, and now back to my vacation. We went to a used book store, and I wasn’t intending to, but I came home with an armful of books on women’s health and hormones. Actually, there were so many, I had to have them shipped home. Hardbacks and trade paperbacks, each just $2. How could I resist? I pulled the ones that were of interest to me and would be of interest to people reading this blog, and you know what I realized? The information is out there for anyone who is looking. I’m not saying anything new in this blog. The information I share here might be new to me or new to you, but it is not new overall. All kinds of writers have been writing about PMS and PMDD over the years, and a lot of the information remains consistent.

One of the things I hope to do with this blog is present the information that remains the most consistent over time. This site is not about fad or false efforts to deal with PMDD. It’s about helping you to feel well every day of the month, to the best of your ability.

I say to the best of your ability, because I know that despite all efforts, the level of serotonin in your brain can dip and you can still slip into an episode without warning. It happened to me on Sunday. It was around the time of my ovulation and just happened for an afternoon, but it happened, and came upon me without warning. Although I should have expected it, between the combination of not eating for six hours and checking the calendar. According to my calendar, the episode was right on schedule. I’m one of those fortunate souls (not!) who gets the chance to experience my PMDD both around the time of my period and around the time of ovulation.

Fortunately, I was able to right myself overnight and all was well again in the morning, so I could continue having fun on my vacation.

Rest is very, very, very important to a woman with PMDD. The minute I realized what was happening, I ate some healthy carbs, took a couple of 5-HTP capsules, and then took it easy for the rest of the evening, making sure I went to bed early. Because when your hormones are out of balance, sleep will help you to put them back in balance again. It’s while you sleep that your brain re-regulates itself. If you don’t get enough sleep, or if your sleep is constantly interrupted–by hot flashes, crying babies, insomnia, having to pee, whatever–your brain doesn’t get that chance to re-regulate itself.

Our bodies are amazing, if we but give them the chance to work the way God intended them to. I will get more into this some other time, but for now, just know that rest is paramount for a woman with PMDD and you need to make it a priority. “Yeah, right,” you can say, like I did for years, and keep pushing yourself. But in the end you’ll only push yourself into further misery.

Healing starts with awareness. So start looking at areas in your life where you can take time to rest, and start looking for ways in which you can get a full night of sleep. Me, I love to have a cup of hot tea in the evening, in the hour before I fall asleep. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work as well as it used to for me. Now that I’m older, I’ve found that if I have anything to drink up to two hours before bedtime, I won’t make it though the night without having to get up.

So it’s a trade off–my favorite herbal tea or a full night’s sleep? I’ve been choosing the full night’s sleep, and it’s made a huge difference in the way I feel. I’ve just had to learn to enjoy my tea during other breaks in the day.

So even if you think your life is so hectic and packed that you can’t possibly take time out for a ten minute “Me” break or a good night’s sleep. I’m asking you to at least consider the idea and start looking around for places you can steal a few moments of peace and quiet, and ways you can get yourself to bed a few minutes earlier this week. And then next week, a few minutes earlier than that.

One step at a time. Baby steps. A little here, a little there, and over time you will have developed a new habit that will help you to feel better in ways untold.