No one intentionally judges someone with bi-polar disorder or depression. It is a slight shrinking away from the unknown and the unstable. PMDD is similar to being bi-polar. The difference is the consistency. PMDD will hit every two weeks like clockwork. About every third cycle, in my case, it is so severe I have to talk myself out of suicide. My muscles and joints hurt so bad I feel my bones will crumble if I move too fast. Typing hurts. Rolling over hurts. The sadness is so deep there is no hope, no joy, no future. It is only darkness for days and days. And right as the pain is going to consume my mind and body, my cycle begins and the world is turned upright again as if the previous two weeks never happened.
It is vicious. It is destructive. It is painful and it is never ending.
I am told by those around me I am outgoing, extroverted and can do anything I set my mind to to. That is until they see me fall and wonder what happened.
I was just as confused until September 2011, when it became clear there was a pattern to the insanity.
My husband and I were in the middle of trying to start a photography and real estate business when it became clear we were facing something much bigger than we could have ever imagined. I would soon discover my ambitions would be pulled out from under me like a ugly, worn out rug.
Up until then, I had hope I would one day shake whatever it was that tripped me up so much. We thought it was connected to the abuse from my childhood or maybe my walk with God was really weak or maybe I was just a weak person in general. Maybe, just maybe, if I tried harder, or prayed harder or exercised harder or ate better or something!!!!! There had to be something I was doing wrong.
After we narrowed the diagnosis, I began facing the fact, I couldn’t do everything I dreamed of doing….and that pain is another post entirely.
I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea the symptoms grew worse and worse as you get older. It made sense though, as I was moving into my 40’s, why the intensity was growing.
Friends only see me when I can leave the house. I venture out when I have energy and drive. This causes so much confusion when I meet new people. I am vibrant and joyful at first and when I am pressured into social situations during the “luteal” phase, they see a quiet, sad often “sick” stranger they don’t recognize.
I can’t imagine how it is interpreted.
I cancel coffee dates, go two weeks without answering my phone, drop out of obligations I make during my good weeks. I’ve since learned the crash will come and I have no business volunteering, working, serving or reaching out to anyone.
I’ve lost jobs, quit jobs, started and quit businesses, started and quit homeschooling over and over, lost friends, went on uncontrolled spending sprees, started arguments and walked away from relationships to save them from myself.
I wish at times, I had a physical ailment. A limp, a scar, a broken bone or even cancer. At least then, when someone met me they would have evidence of my disease. They would be able empathize and process the injury in their own mind.
Instead, the injury is inside my mind. It is not visible unless you live under the same roof.
It is hidden behind a mask I wear everywhere I go. I can’t escape from the betrayal of my mind and body every month. It is always taunting me…always waiting silently to paralyze me yet again and destroy everything I begin to build.
I’ve learned not to build anymore. That is what hurts the most.