Hello and Welcome!!

~Seek first to understand, then be understood~
Moving into the holidays, I am focusing on posts about positive things women with PMDD can do to strengthen our relationships with our loved ones.
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If you're looking for information on a particular topic, just type that word in the search box. You will then pull up all posts that include information on that subject, assuming the search box is working, which occasionally it is not. Sorry about that. I have no clue why that happens.
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I have a "friend" who shows up once a month. She turns my world upside down, over and over again.
I am a good person, caring and sweet, but when she comes to visit, I could rip off your head.
She takes no prisoners, foul words she does spout, I try to keep the words in, she lets them come out.
People don't understand me, or what this is about, to have this creature inside my head.
I despise who I am, half of the time, I feel sorry for my daughter, family and friends.
There's no way to describe it, for those who don't know, it's a living nightmare, she really needs to go.
~Neysia Manor

Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Voices of PMDD, A Guest Post by Alice



I have a demon living in my head, and it is a part of me. There are two of me existing in the same space. We share the same face, the same experiences and the same memories, yet one half of me is a rational and pleasant person to be around, and the other is living a crazy, illogical and chaotic existence. 
The sensible and sane version of me feels weak and small, and powerless to resist the overwhelming and destructive demon that can only be caged for 10 days of the month.
I have a fear that builds within me on day 8 of my cycle. I sit and wait for the demon to come crawling into my headspace and start making a mockery of me. The moment I open my eyes of day 10, the paranoia starts rumbling in my solar plexus. It starts as a vibration, then rumbles into a deep thunder roll, before bringing a brain fog down over my eyes. My ears are open, but I cannot hear. My eyes are open, but I am blind. My hands are strong, but my body is weak.  I am aware of this happening to me, but I have been removed from my body and I am watching myself from above. I am screaming at myself to stop, breathe and take heed, but I cannot make myself hear. I begin to live the next two and a half weeks behind a think pane of frosted glass. I see and hear the evil bubbling up in my throat, ready to come blurting out. Some days I can gather my strength and control the demon and suppress it, but others I am overpowered and subdued.
When the demon is released, I feel it creeping out the crown of my head. I feel a cold, slimy gel like substance slide down over my face. My eyes get heavy. The muscles in my face drop, and feel sad. The corners of my mouth droop, and the tone is lost in my neck. My eyelids are heavy and downcast, and my soul retreats. My shoulders slump, and I become a hunched shell of a woman. My breathing slows and my abdomen tenses and flops at the same time. My legs are heavy and my shoes feel like they have lead soles.
Then the anger sets it. The demon steps into my shoes and grows tall. It stretches its limbs and cracks its knuckles ready for battle. It starts to look for a fight. The anger simmers in my chest, using my heart as a power source. I feel it spreading out. A burning rage runs through my veins. A chemical fuelled fire that burns so hot. I am now in the cage. I cannot get free. I watch this demon take over my body. I scream, shout, and destroy everyone and everything around me. I hit myself and slap my face. I scratch myself and tell myself I am stupid, pathetic and don’t deserve to exist. I am evil and utterly disgusting. I hate myself. I am a vile creature, not worthy of love, not worthy of being called a person, not worthy of life. I wish that I had the courage to end it all, but I don’t really want to die. I just want to be free.
I collapse in a heap, exhausted. My life is in tatters around me. I have told my husband to leave and have cried and begged for forgiveness. I want him to touch me and then I want him to hurt me and then I want to be alone.
The next day finally arrives and I am so exhausted I cannot move. The demon is sleeping. For now. I hurt. Every muscle and joint in my body is excruciating. My pelvis is mobile and I can feel each bone grinding. Every step is an effort. I cannot think how I will make it through the day. I force myself out of bed because if I don’t I never will. I feel like my back will split open and my hips will fall out of their sockets.
I am riddled with guilt.  I hate myself and am filled is embarrassment and disgrace. I have humiliated myself and all of those around me by seeking to destroy every relationship that is there to protect me. I have spat in the face of love and kicked it when it was down. I deserve to be in the gutter. I did not deserve to wake up today. Everyone would be better off if I had never opened my eyes again. The demon would be dead. I would be gone from everyone’s life. Their suffering would be over. My pain would end. I no longer have the strength to think about this anymore, so I allow the brain fog to be my shield.
I spend the day trying to apologise, but each time I do it becomes less and less valid and more meaningless. I am a liability. I cannot be relied upon to be stable. I scared my husband, my one true love. I made a mockery of our marriage.
Then the cravings start. I have to have food! I don’t care what food, but it must be now and it must be good. The pain in my stomach is unbearable. It feels like I haven’t eaten for a month. I could cut off my arm and eat it. I need sugar. I need carbs. I need starchy and stodgy food. Give it to me now or I will kill you!
I know I should do the washing up, clean the bathroom, vacuum the house, wash my hair, brush my teeth and change my underwear. But I do not care. I cannot move off the sofa. I will do it another day. I will do it later. Anything but do it now.  I try to overcome this lethargy by writing a list, but I get distracted, I get tired, I get frustrated. I panic. I freeze. I cannot breathe. My heart will explode. I am going to die if I do not hide under the blanket and suck my thumb.
I go to bed. The tears roll down my face. They are warm and soothing. The demon runs over me and claims me for its own. The sobbing is uncontrollable but feels so good. I sleep.
I wait for my period to come. I wait for the release. The flow of blood that drains my anger, drains my anxiety, my despair and my hatred from my body. I am cleansed. I am released from my cage.  The walls of my cage are stripped away as my womb cries with relief. I can breathe fresh air. I can feel the touch of my husband. I can laugh again.
The demon is a hot, fierce animal that lives within me. Only it is me. I am the demon. My greatest fear is that this will always be a part of me. I fear that I will fight this demon until I take my last breath. I fear that it will take away everything that is precious to me and leave me a shadow of the woman I could be. I will not let it win. I cannot let it win. This is not who I was born to be. I can be great, I can be wonderful, I can be beautiful.
I have PMDD, it does not have me. I am beautiful. One day I will believe this.

10 comments:

  1. This is the most amazing description that I have seen of PMDD. Thank you for sharing. Tears are rolling down my face.

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    1. I wrote this after a bad PMDD attack that damaged a lot of people around me. I just wrote from the heart and it felt really good to express myself. I read it often to remind myself that I can be strong, and my husband found it interesting and useful. I advocate this form of therapy strongly, thank you for reading it, alice x

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    2. I figured that this was an attack....because this is how I would describe the moment especially those 2 days closer to my period....No-one can relate unless they're going through it. Keep your head up I Will as well:)

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    3. This is almost unbelievable. I am also on the verge of tears reading this in utter self-recognition. Alice so perfectly describes what happens. I experience this type of unholy rage during this time. I have about 8 days of good days per month, then the struggle starts all over again. I'm so tired of my husband calling me high maintenance, and I'm so tired of not being able to remedy or control what is happening with me hormonally. I applaud your brutal honesty. God bless you! God bless all of us!!

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  2. Thank you for writing this. I have referred to my demon as a hurricane brewing. What is left behind is destruction that becomes irreparable after blowing through month after month. My boyfriend of two years has broken up with me because of the disrespect I show to him. I know he is right, I am trying to be better to those I love, but just when I think I am cleansed she erupts again with horrible fits of foul words and sometimes physical abuse. I am ashamed. He has been fighting for me, trying to push past the behavior to hang on to the core of why he loves me, but now he has reached his limit. Everyone had a breaking point. I do not have insurance right now and am off Lexapro. And adivan. If anyone has any tips on alternative medicine that has helped them I would love some advice. I am terrified to move on from him because I believe that if he cannot handle me then no one can. I can't even handle me. I go from fun dancing singing loving me to angry manipulative disgusted me overnight. It's exhausting! The feeling of abandonment is always there so I push those I love to their limits to prove I am right when they give up. It's a self fulfilling prophecy and I want it to end. Your advice is welcome. Thank you.

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  3. I know its hard I lost a wonderful man because of this illness, Iam going to see an endocrinologist soon, I can keep you ladies informed, Im pretty sure its defiantly a hormone issue...and I believe its progesterone we plummet on some hormone. I became pregnant last year, and before I even knew I was , I was feeling too happy, no Anxiety even things that would normally trigger this anxiety didn't trigger it, and sure enough I was pregnant, I googled what happens with our hormones when we become pregnant and sure enough Progesterone stays at its high or the same when the egg becomes fertilized. After pregnancy full blown panic attacks. ..Us women have to be really strong and through about our illness, because if were not these dr.s will just keep prescribing us medications without checking what is really wrong with us unfortunately....Good Luck I understand fully.

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    1. My two pregnancies were the sanest times of my entire adult life. I experienced NO PMDD whatsoever. If only this could be the case normally, I'd be the happiest, sanest person alive!!

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  4. This hit the nail on the head. Particularly the part about apologies being completely invalid after so long...so many of the same instances. I'm terrified of chasing all the people I love the most away. I become cold, belligerent, and downright insufferable. Then when my period arrives it's as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe again. Until two weeks later.... Thank you for sharing. While I'm sad you're experiencing this same thing, there is some comfort in knowing we're not alone.

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  5. OMG this is exactly how I feel. Everyone looks at me crazy when I say that about 10 days before my period I feel my body change, almost like demonic possesion. I fight with everyone during this time and I cry a lot. The fights are long and drawn out and down right exhausting. They make me feel so bad and guilty afterwards almost embarrassing but I can't stop it. The food cravings and binging are unreal. I bought 5 candy bars the other day! Just yesterday I told my boss I hated my job and this place makes me miserable, I don't think I'm really that miserable there or that I truly hate it but I did at that point. Also last night my boyfriend and I got into another huge fight, he said just because you have this doesn't give you a free pass to act this way. I know this but I don't think he fully understands what this does to me. I feel like I can't control it but people can't take it either. I tried taking the nuva ring thinking it would decrease my symptoms, it just amplified them. I felt suicidal and the fighting was worse and more frequent. The depression was unreal. Anyways I am glad that I am not the only one who experiences this, it is a real thing and I am not crazy.

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  6. I said I was going to get back to you ladies and after so many Doctors....I finally found a Dr. who actually knew what was wrong with me. I went to see him sat there in front of Him( yes a Him)and explained to him every detail and he sits there and looks at me and says "I know what is wrong with you"and Im like" yeah ok " Hes says what Ive been wanting to hear and exactly what Ive been reading about this whole time...He says"Your either lacking Progesterone which is the calming hormone or its Estrogen dominance .Next step he will check every hormone and vitamins in your blood, then he prescribed me Progesterone cream I will be honest the cream was a very calming effect in fact it was too calming (but my body is also very sensitive to any medication) so I went back right away and this time he gave me Progesterone pills and let me tell you something I will be getting my period in 3 days (yes 3 days)where I should be raging ,crying, anxious,just crazy etc...but Im sitting here with this only calming effect (Iam not feeling perfect, Im still feeling teeny sad ,alittle insecure, but I would take this over all the above)so I will not sit here and say Im feeling like a million bucks but yessssss compare to the above I sure am ladies this is my 2nd month it seems like its working alot more now..Im not having and side effects so far...You have to find a Dr who specializes in HRT , He is all about getting to the root of the problem he is all about Natural Resources first.. me I will also give you his info Google Okosun Edoro in Conventry RI HRT Doctors in Conventry RI www.mytotalhealthclinic.com Good Luck ladies if you have any questions email me at kroqueplay@aol.com Dont give up...and also I just want to mention that everybody is different so what works for others may not work for others but I will tell you my experience so far is unbelievable..

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